and again..

would you bite the hand that feeds you?

2007-07-25T14:48:00.000+08:00

so here i am gazing into the nothingness, the blank screen in front of me that waits for me to pour my heart out... and i can come up with?

Nothing

numbness. so what's new? i've been thinking of doing some video blogging sorta like lonelygirl15 (hehe)just for added flavour. and it's easier...
So what's going on in my life? Nothing. Nothing i care about anyway.
It's like my life is dedicated to everything else.

Work at LBC is busy and getting better i supposed, i am getting used to the role and developing a script that i use when talking to people. i would like to be able to do more though but i guess it has to come slowly, there's just no way with all the stuff i am dealing with at this point.
Going out to meet a whole load of clients this week and next - i think it will be good. i tend to put myself down in my head when talking to other people esp professionals older than me and it is just something i have to get over by getting used to dealing with them, so i suppose it's good practise. i mean people are just people really.
i am so good at saying stupid things though but if it were just a random i wouldn't have a problem, so i'm not sure why i do... But it is time to face the music i guess.

Work at Woosh is barely bearable... Sick of taking and making calls and i'm so knackered by the time i get here that i do absolutely nothing. i just jump onto the net and stare at at it for 4 - 8 hours depending on when i get here.

not unlike now really...

Ryan's back, i think he's staying with EJ. he wants to get a place here and then stay for three months and go back and a whole lot of other shit. it's all a little over my head and i have no idea what is going on. it's almost like i am in my own little bubble. I think he's doing good though but it must suck staying so far away. He asked if i could lend him like $400 for him bond and shit but i am broke as a joke, which is depressing given that i am working two jobs.

EJ just a lip piercing, it looks hot! Haven't seen him in a while either but he seems to be doing ok at work and is having the usual guy trouble. lol. Hopefully should get a chance to meet up with him on Friday evening after work and we can have some good quality time together.

Tiara - well i haven't heard from her. She promised to email but haven't received nothing. Fair enough though i guess. She must be pretty busy with work and all.

Yea... Shit.

Parents decided that they want to organise a whole lot of stuff. They need to sell the house, and get mover and get everything into storage and sell all their shit online (washing machine dryer bookcases etc.)And mummy can't come back because she has to give her passport to the Citizenship Bereau whilst she is in Australia(not like she was going to be coming back anytime soon because as i expected Esquires have pushed the dates forward)

So because i am the only one here that is stable and pretty much everyone's connection to Auckland, i have to sort out all the shit. along with all my own shit.
I constantly have a list of things to do running through my head.

2007-07-01T05:54:00.000+08:00

Check out my daemon!

boulevard of broken dreams

2007-06-30T06:17:00.000+08:00

I hate this shit I’m doing and I hate having to do it.
I don’t know how I manage to get up every morning ( and I mean every morning) and truck off to do all this shit. And for what, some measley pay that does not even cover my living costs?

The thing that really sucks is that I am going to have to stick it out. Going to have to do this, let this continue for a good three months or so. Then again, what is three months. Time flies – not as much when you are not having fun… But just in general.

Lucky Tiara – back in Singapore. Good one, I say. I am so glad she is in a happy place. I know what she means man. Like if and when I go, I will sincerely miss this place. All the fun times we had here. But they were all desperate fun times. We had fun constantly trying to reject society here. And run away into our own little world where we all live inside the bubbles of our imagination, untouchable by the rest of the grittiness that is Auckland.

I want to go back to. There is a tiny, tiny piece of string that is holding me back, saying just stick it out and do things the right way. Don’t just leave like you always do – no good can come of it.

I pretty much sorted myself out (minus the few fuck-ups along the way) I have a job, a car, a place. And now all I want is to spend time with the people I care about and suddenly that is just not an option anymore. Tiara’s gone. EJ works my complete opposite hours, which means I never see him. I am always so busy at work I don’t have time to email anybody, yet surprisingly it feels like the time in that goddamn office dwindles. It’s going to be so hard without Kenny there. Like I can probably still work perfectly fine, but no one there really thinks much of me. I’m just another person and they are all like whatever. There’s no one that I can talk to because all they care about down there is bloody Fords vs Holdens and Rugby =/

It’s raining. Pouring.

I’ve been looking at jobs in Singapore online. There’s heaps of opportunities available. I also wonder if I should just go to University there. Like a real one, not the wannabe ones they have here. SMU looks good and I wouldn’t mind doing a course in Marketing. Just to compliment my current sales skills. I reckon me and Tiara should go halves on a nice apartment, maybe even condominium.
It’s funny it’s what we always wanted as kids. We wanted to stay on our own and be independent and shit. How life turns around huh?

Anyway, things here?
I don’t know, I’m just numbly trudging along I guess. I think I have abandonment issues that are starting to surface. Sometimes I just feel like bursting out in tears, because everything is just so hard.
Kenny’s left the Letterbox channel, which means I lost my smoke buddy and reason to leave the building. He has no job and has lost the company car which means he is definitely not in the happiest of states. He’s worried as well about what to do now. He has a week to get a job, god knows how he is going to work out transport. But for the time being, I am the designated driver. I don’t mind it for now but I think it will really start to bug me soon.

He’s been really supportive of my abandonment issues. I think he knows that I am feeling pretty fucking alone right now. But I think he is too wrapped up in his problems right now.
I’m pretty worried about him. If things don’t pick up it will start looking pretty hard, even more so than expected. Which was not really what I expected at all. So where does that leave us? Where ever it leaves us I guess… And where does that leave me at the end of all this? I don’t know.

I’ll just trudge along for another three months. I’ll hide myself in myself. I am too tired to fight something I have no control of. Too worried about everything to care about anything. I just wanna get rid of my debt and get out of here.

The moment I went back to Singapore on holiday I was thinking that… Was thinking that I really wanted to come back permanently. But of course I needed to wrap everything up here so I can leave it an open option should I wish to return. And then there was Kenny. After we came back though he was thinking about coming to Singapore/Malaysia as well. It would be nice for us to still be together through a relocation of such proportions. He says he’s hanging on until 2009. Originally, I thought that would be alright, I could wait till then. But the days just get drearier and now that Tiara has gone, it’s just so much harder. I was thinking I could wait until 2009, but I am not so sure.

Maybe I’ll just get rid of my debts before the end of this year, go there and if I find something good then I should stay.
If it works, it works and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

And so I just keep walking down the empty streets of my mind. Invincible and broken.

reminicing

2007-06-23T13:16:00.000+08:00

nice huh? had a little dig on the Whosgoing website and managed to pull this picture up.
This was shortly after me and Kenny got together. First night on the town clubbing in MOS in Singapore.

i miss Singapore. I miss being on holiday with Kenny, where we can just have fun without all the worries of every day shit.

Travelling a six-hour journey from Singapore to Malaysia. haha, crazy shit. I think it was somewhere along one of those rides that i realised i wanted more from him.

Before then, we worked together and we were all sort of new to the rules of how things should be between us. How to act and all, and i just stayed over at his place so we saw alot of each other. And then the day finally came to go to Singapore. The whole disbelief and denail prior to the actual trip. I must say i manipulated that well - got heaps of sex out of it =)
But i just couldn't imagine being away from him.

And then i left and it was okay, but when i txted him. it all just started again. Like back when we were still courting and mainly txting each other in the night when we were apart and emailing constantly in the day. And then he asked me to cone up to Malaysia. I was like uhhh... Wasn't sure about the whole thing but i knew i wanted to see him and it sounded like such an adventure at the time, so go i did.

And when i saw him...

i was thinking about us all the way to KL and how we were getting closer as time went by, and like how this could possibly be the start of something bigger. But then again i was like... NAH. And then when MeiZi called him, i was just thinking 'i shouldn't be here, i shouldn't be thinking about any of this...' and then we went home and we both sorta decided we had to 'talk'. after all the scary talks we've had i wasn't too confident about it being something good. i was steering the conversation towards me leaving... And he was steering the conversation to our relationship. it was too funny.

(me)... so its just going to get harder from here, and i don't want to be.. you know
(kenny) yea i was thinking that to. So what do you want..
(me) well i can leave if you want...
(kenny) what are you talking about?
(me) uhh... aren't we talking about me and like how i shouldn't be here
(kenny) what??? no i'm talking about us..
(me) oh.

**cant remember the exact coversation but it was something along those lines**

And then we came to the conclusion that we could do one of three things.
Just stop seeing each other
Still be FWB but not see each other as much and date other people
Get together

And then i left to go to Singapore, so we only really figured it out in Singapore. And the arsehole knew what i was on about from the start when i said i wanted to talk to him. So cute. And now we are together. Sometimes i still think that this is a complete waste of time and i should just get over myself and get on with my life as my own person. Other times it's just a real whatever thing, and i don't think of him as my boyfriend. But times like this, he's an absolute darling and i'm glad we decided to go out. I suppose in a way it was always what i wanted from him in the first place. it always made me think that i would get sick of him really fast once we started going out, but it's better. it's not always perfect but it's comfortable.

and what does the future bring????

that is another tale for another time.

**okay enough sentimental bull. im outs**

Genius

2007-06-20T10:08:00.000+08:00

It’s interesting what you can learn on the net. I have learnt a lot I tell you.

I officially have a car and I am going to sit my restricted today. My nerves are in my ears man. Apparently, that is supposed to make me better at driving. I’ll be alright I suppose. Even if I fail, well just sit for it again. It will be a bitch and a waste of time but it has to be done. Just do like my instructor said and book it straight away. Hope I don’t fail though. I’m just going to imagine that I am in the car with him on one of my lessons so I’ll do everything like he taught me, just listen to his voice in my head.

That should get me by… Well, I guess I will have to give you an update once it’s over. Everyone is trying to give me helpful tips. It’s good, but just a little overwhelming. I have to pass. I’ll get such shit if I don’t.

Right now I am like coming up with any and every possible way to get money. Thinking outside the box is what it is all about. I hope to god they re-introduce the incentive scheme at Woosh because I would desperately like to get a 3k payout. Talk about shit timing. I am going to be there for the whole of July and hopefully, if I can handle it the month of August as well. I’m pretty sure I can handle it…

I aim to clear my personal loan by mid-July and one of my credit cards by the end of August. It’s all good saying that of course. It’s a little less easy actually doing it though.

I had another couple of brainwaves.
First, I was thinking of signing up with a modelling agent. Not to do like a whole lot of fashion articles or anything, but what I am really looking for is just one commercial. I was talking to James, who has been in a commercial before, and he got about 3k after tax and then every time the contract rolls over, he gets paid out again. So that’s all I want. Not too keen on doing it long term because it’s too hard with a job. I’m probably not too keen on doing it immediately either because it’s virtually impossible when you are trying to juggle two jobs. It’s better that Woosh though and it means I will have more time out of work, but I just need something steady at the moment.

Maybe I’ll do it next year. When I’m like not working at all. Besides I don’t think my other half would approve of me doing the whole modelling thing (even though it’s not technically modelling) maybe if he saw the cash he would be a little happier about it. I should have auditioned for that modelling job in Singapore though. I mean 10,000 dollars is a lot of money.

That brought me to my next idea. Game shows. And why the hell not. They are all stupid but the money is real and your chances are higher than winning Lotto. Besides, the only reason why these people loose is because they’re greedy. And I’m not. Hell, I’ll take any deal that gives me 5,000+. That is all I really need. Anything extra would be nice but not mandatory. So from the beginning; there is this new game show in NZ called ‘Deal or No Deal’

Basically, there are 26 (or something around that figure) suitcases in front of you. All the suitcases have cash values in them ranging from 50 cents to 200,000 dollars. You pick yourself a suitcase and then proceed to open the other suitcases in front of you. Anything you open, you can’t have. At certain intervals (after you open six suitcases, then maybe after you open another 4) the guy will offer you a deal of a certain cash amount and it is up to you to decide whether to take the deal or not. If you do you get the cash, if you don’t you continue eliminating suitcases until you get to the last one in which case you open your suitcase and claim whatever value it holds.
It works something like that anyway, I have never actually watched it on TV but I am definitely going to start
And then I am going to audition for it.

Hehe. Complete Genuis

running on empty

2007-06-17T11:10:00.000+08:00

my life consists of four walls.
Everyday i work within the four walls.

I have decided to go back to working at Woosh. i desperately want, and i suppose NEED to pay off all the money I owe. I refuse to let the world and it's nasty little loopholes get the better of me. I want to be able to be on top of everything. Seeing the direct benefits of the effort i put out.

Still at the Letterbox Channel as well. So all in all, i am working 60 hours a week. Not to mention all the USANA stuff that i do outside of the four walls. It's been the first week and already i am starting to feel unmotivated. Not like there is any point to doing it. The reason i came back - the commission structure they had for an incentive run where they double your earning for anything over your target, it's gone. So it's back to just the regular. Doesn't mean i won't try grab every opportunity that is out there. Either way it means i just have to wake up early in the weekends and sit inside for the whole day.

I guess it's not really that bad, not like i would have anything better to do anyway.
Tiara is gone - she won't be back for at least six weeks, if at all.
EJ is back at home and he works in the weekend (late hours at that) so i don't get much of a chance to see him. Kenny is constantly wrapped up in USANA so he is always out and about. I guess whatever i do, i always end up right where i started - staring at the four walls that enclose me.
Why not get paid for it. it's not realli as bad as it sounds apart from the tired-ness. And i will definitely stick with this at least till i get my first paycheck. After that, i am banking on the pay i get fuelling me to keep going. I just want to get rid of my debt fast. After it's all done then i can relax and take it easy. it's just hard to feel so good when your at the bottom of a pile of shit.

FUCK TAX THOUGH.
i should technically get $1145 each month from working at Woosh as well as $2002 for working at the Letterbox Channel, but because Woosh is deemed as a secondary income it is taxed at bloody 43% and commission is taxed at 20%

Insane man. i hope they get the other commission structure/incentive back in. i would fucking break my balls on that one. i aim to get about 60 sales a month anyway which is roughly 700 after tax, so that should help.

Apart from that, i am in the midst of getting cars all sorted. Getting my new car tomorrow and i have my restricted on Wednesday. So the next three days are going to be pretty stressful and of couse after that i'll be working so yes everyday is going to be pretty stressful. in addition to all of this, i still have to make sure the man of the house is happy and that his kingdom is in a presentable state. More the worry, but it's good i guess. AT least im not on his back anymore and i have my own stuff to do rather than just drown myself in happiness every spare moment i get.

Now is the time to get everything to gether and make it stick. Hopefully i will stick with this for three months. That is the short term plan anyway. What is that like 12 weeks? i can start the countdown now if i wanted. It is doable.

It's just sad with the timing of everything. I will hardly get to see Kenny anymore, which might be a good thing or might be a bad thing. Not sure which yet. He is terrible at handling stress, so maybe his new job will be less stressful. me? i can take it... So whatever. I am just not sure what all this will do to our relationship and personal lives.
It was his idea though. Do what you got to do to stick it out...And at the moment i am trying to keep the focus on me, how the hell am i suppose to cater to everyone else when i'm in a big mess myself.

Doesn't work that way huh?

Got to go to court as well.. I am worried about it, it just sounds bad. Everyone doesn't seem to think that it will be that big a deal but it still means i'll have one more thing to worry about. ANd it means more money out of the bank. But shit happens i guess.

Can't do nothing about it so might as well curl my toes, pull my head under and trudge along on the lonely road..(the only one that i have ever known...)

Want to go back to Singapore at the end of 2008. Like seriously considering it, and setting myself up over there. i wonder whether that would work out. It would be beautiful to be able to live that life again. SAdly, i feel somewhat naked.

Like i use to have that comfortable life, and it all got ripped away and i had to run around with no clothes on for ages, trying to figure up a game plan. i feel like i know more now, ever than i would have known if i had never left. But it comes with a price.
It's a more solemn, cycnical take on the truly ugliness of life and what it has become.

What does that mean?
Well, i don't know what that means.. I don't know what that means i will have to walk away from, what that means for myself and my future. What that means in the greater sense of things.
But i feel a change in the wind, and i just have to follow my heart. It sounds really lame when in writing but this is what i told Tiara before she left for Singapore, and it is true.

Sometimes you have to get lost to be found. it's just scary losing yourself because it could mean that you will disappear.

I feel like i'm 40 years old and looking after two fully grown kids and a stubborn cat.
Get me out of here

100 degrees

2007-05-23T05:44:00.000+08:00

all men are bastards. its as simple as hat and i refuse to let them torture me anymore. well they don't really most of the time i remain un-affected but not all.

how do you compete with something that is beyond measure? it's just not possible. it's like why even bother trying...if you really think about it, it happened at the time i was most assured that i could be happy. talk about fast turn around.

always the re-bound. i think i have a very self-destructive nature. it's almost like i dig these people up, you know. just so they can torment me. maybe i do need help.. and it's slowly been getting worse. i'm starting to sink. i can feel it.

i feel panicked and claustrapobic, like i can't breathe, can't move, can't turn.
i need a change. i just don't know if i need that sort of change. everything causes a domio effect. loose one, you loose it all and hen the peices come tumbling down. And that is the last thing i need right now. i could always leave and never come back. but i can' do that, it would just be stupid.

i fucking hate secrets, i hate havng to keep them because of the repercussions and i hate being left in the dark. okay so fine, i can completely relate to the whole situation, really i can which really fucks me up. Because on one side it hurts. it really hurts, because i just thought i could stop worrying. Not because it means its me all the way, just that it means i can just be myself and know that that is good enough.

bu it's never good enough right? Me just being me can never match up. And it's true. The other side of me that see from a bird eye view know's its true. i'm so young, what do i have to offer? Why am i better? And i'm not and what he is thinking is perfectly normal, it's almost cliche. it should mean nothing, but why does it feel like it doesn't.

And i'm just supposed to be okay with it, beacuse i'm just here for the ride, and to be piggy-back up the stairs. Because i don't stand on the same level. Because im low. And what happens after a couple of years? After he decides that he's had enough? What then? He just tells me to get lost... I might as well save us all precious time and do it now. But it must have been the same when the roles were reversed. i can just imagine. its always like that, you're always connected.

But i can't, i never could, i've always just waited, waited till i kena halau. Even wen the worst came round, i just waited. i just couldn't tear away. Maybe i like this? this getting hurt... And i always know when it's going to happen i can always feel it, i deny it for a little while, and then it happens and i feel like shit and i tell myself that i told myself and what else could i have expected, really.

So from now on, it's just a wall. i've let down my guard wayy to much lately. I'm becoming soft. What happened to the me who just let go? who lived for herslf and loved those that helped her through and through. instead of fucking living for someone else, walking the line of the leash and keeping quiet when asked for a dance.

A line for every lesson learnt.

Everytime time i want, everytime i become a part of something, everytime i hurt myself, i hurt myself. and now another line over the lines, defining it.

Should i even bothe this time, it's strange but this is so blurry yt it hurts me more than anything could have. why didn't i know apart from what i aready knew from myself. It's crazy how i actually know that these things are going to happen. i almost thought i was wrong for a while there, and yet here i stand righted.

Enough already.
i will stay, i have no choice, but nothing touches me, nothing comes close to my heart. no warmth will reach my eyes. Why do i have to do this. And i'm still waiting, but now my trust is broken. now i'm waiting for the end. maybe it was just a stage but it can happen again. and yes, i am guilty but at the same time i care.

2 peas in a pod.

The New and Improved

2007-05-17T11:03:00.001+08:00

Good morning one and all,

The time passes in a mist of normality. Average Joe, with an average job, with average pay and an average life.
So not what I am looking for. What ever happened to the knights in shining armour come to take me to a far-away land on his dazzling, white stallion where I lead the kingdom as a kind and just princess in the biggest castle there ever was. And naturally, live happily ever after.

Times have changed, the leaves fall. Uncertainties arises, dwindling questions are still left un-answered. I felt it on New Years. This year, 2007, is a year of mental development for me. And it has definitely proven challenging. Things don’t just come and go. They come and tell their friends and so on and so forth. And sometimes it all becomes a bit too much. I am what I have achieved, and what pray tell is that?

I fell to a near-death low not to long ago. Nothing ever changes on the outside, just on the inside. I haven’t been updating my blog because sometimes it is just to painful to stop and reflect on everything, the comings and goings, the problems topped off with more problems. It becomes easier to just not think about it just numbly experience it.

Like a lone swimmer in the middle of the pacific. They don’t know whether they are going to get rescued, how long they have to keep swimming for, where they will end up, what they will do if they do finally reach land, whether they should keep trying. They know they are tired but they don’t even try to swim. They just keep moving their arms, keep floating, because it is the only thing that they can do. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.

Lately, it has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Travelling at the speed of light you can’t really see of hear, you can just feel the pit of your stomach rising and falling as adrenaline surges through your body in warm rushes.

I feel like I need to start from the beginning. Go back to a new, clean slate. Leave everything I know here, well here, I guess. Everything. I have been entertaining that thought. But… (And there’s always a BUT.)

Sometimes, or more that sometimes, I long for the naivety I had. It seems like a lifetime ago, though I cannot even begin to leaf through the pages that hold such drastic changes and abruptions to what I use to know. It’s a lifetime in a snow globe. What I can see or remember is a mere snapshot of the turmoil of emotions contained.

Things are seemingly looking up. Well, I suppose everything looks up when you are standing on ground-zero, in the eye of the storm looking up.
Everything is beginning and ending at the same time. I am standing on shifting ground. I did a painting based on the particular feeling of looking up from the eye of the storm. I am going to call it ground-0.
I’m working at the Letterbox Channel now, an organization that is part of New Zealand Post. I handle a portfolio of clients that would like to use the Letterbox Channel to deliver their unaddressed mailers (junk mail) and they come to meet to sort out their problems and get their upcoming flyer drops booked. It is definitely not a boring job. It is one of those think-on-your-feet sort of jobs. It is interesting (the only word I can ever think of using to describe my line of work.)
The pay packet is not exactly the greatest though.
But you know, one step at a time huh?

Been having a few serious talk.
GUYS=TROUBLE it’s very simple and it’s the way things go. No wonder I stayed away or so long… But I guess you can’t run forever huh? I am happy where I am now. There are a few bumps in the night (all kinds) but nothing unusual. It’s hard because I’m so stressed and he’s so stressed, which doesn’t make for a very stressed-free environment. I’m just taking it day by day. If it ends then it ends. Of course that means I have no place to live and no where to go but I’ll deal with that when it gets to that. Which is hopefully not anytime in the near, near future.

It has always been; What ever goes, goes… Do I really want that? Well see I was thinking about this and originally, I thought, no… But somehow, I just can’t seem to close my eyes and make everything disappear. I don’t want to. And every time I open my eyes, and he’s smiling it just starts all over again. I keep trying to push him to push me away. It feel like a knife hanging over my neck and it’s like ”For fuck’s sake, just chop it off already!”. Anything and everything is a sign that I am unwanted, just because it is me. Because who would want me? Why me…?

I am one big ball of denial. Even on the way to Singapore., I knew it was concrete that I was going, unseen circumstances aside. Even factoring those in, I was still going. I might just be delayed. But the whole time; On the way to the airport, on the plane, in Brunei – the whole way I had no idea where I was going. And I was scared. Scared that things would be different. That every past memory I had known would have magically been wiped out and when I got there, the vision I had would simply be a foggy blur of the city I re-invented in my dream. And the real Singapore would, have become part of what I was used to from living in Auckland. A dank, city full of grey shades and washed-out colours of life.

Still living in denial. Everything of what could possibly mean by this will all crumble and turn into something grey and sour. Something painful that I would be forced to deal with and I am so scared that it will happen again. That it’s not everything else, it’s me. I don’t think I could handle that. Not this time.

I have been dying to let all this out. All the words, be it nonsense or otherwise. I have had no one to talk to and whenever anything wanted to come out I would squeeze it into an air-tight container and lock it away, some where dark and dusty and maybe if I just moved on I would forget that it even existed. And if it doesn’t exist, it can’t hurt you – right?

It has been great though. It has been a wonderful ride. And his eyes are so soft. His appearance so capturing, dishevelled yet composed in a very artistic sort of way. The humour, and the child-like playfulness. The ferocious spirit.

Time is a-wasting and I have no work to do but want to look like I have work to do. And were not allowed to jump on to the internet as much as I have.

Whoops.

invenio fides intus

2007-01-29T02:56:00.000+08:00

its the last day of my holidays...

its been crazy and interesting did pretty much everything i wanted to do and im satisfied and (almost) ready to return to the real world.

i've been clean for 2 whole months.. no weed no nothing just alot of bumpin and grindin =)

dont know what the new year hold alost apprehensive about my return i know i have a major credit card bill to pay off (fuck)

but i also have something else.. or should i say someone.. i still dont know if this is a good idea..

was looking through ej's blog and found this:

Kenny is funny.
And I don't mean the south-park character.
He's this guy from Del's workplace.
He's got a tats as well, and we click.
I'm not sure about him going out with Del though.
Not because he's not good enough for her, but because Del is enjoying her non-attachment flirting rampage too much right now to think about a serious relationship and I'm just afraid Kenny is going to get hurt.

This was when ej first met him lol wat a lifetime ago. it was true though. i knew i wanted him but at the same time i just didnt give a fuck. period. what i did who i hurt. nothing.
did a lot of stupid things last year and this was the one thing that was not black o white. barely even grey... more of a spectrum.
never been in a situation like that ever before. and everyone was saying exactly what i was thinking. pull out but the stubborness that is del decided to hang on for jus a lil bit longer.. just to see what might turn out.. of course nothing could ever come of nothing. i shouldnt even bother hoping. which is why i suppose i kept hanging in there.

i was defying reality it couldn't last and then rightly so, everything changed again. im stronger than all of this, i think.. i should have just said 'you know what? fuck it.. im sick of this limbo shit' but i didnt have the rights to so i kept hanging

and then i started getting a lil closer and fell into step and push came to shove and there was a lot of talking. my disclaimer. toes got a little wet and then jumped in

still dont know if its a good idea.. its so right and so what i want but you never get what you want right and nothing lasts forever so it cant be right. i've wanted it for so long but at the same time fought it, within myself.
i am afraid of hurting and getting hurt. bin there done that.. which is why i was following ej's theory of one-night stands...

but i suppose time will tell and the feeling for the moment is like walking on water. i feel spoilt and adopted almost

so anyway interesting times ahead i guess. i believe last year was a year of discovery for me.
hopefully this will be one of progression
aim to just do what i have to do to get by. my only resolution is to get kenny to teach me to drive.. lol i made him swear a million times; whether or not it will be in his car is still debatable.
just step by step no juming to taking other paths.. its easy baby steps..

cutting down on the drugs as well for a good part of last year i was stoned everyday of the week, month, seasons

of course... i say this now... lol but it definitely will not get in the way of my studies or work. gonna be punctual.
and gonna enjoy it.
overall this has been exactly what i needed. something from my life before and something from my life ahead in a neutral enviroment to save my life, that was the now, from spiralling out of control.

green plastic watering fucking cans.

the second chapter has begun... the path lies ahead. a little hesitant testing the ground with one foot and the slowly putting it down more firmly.. its safe to move forward, with a squaring of the shoulders and a look to the horizon, begin whistling a trekkers tune and march on.

... said the chicken...

And she did

*hehe*
im making no sense right now forgive me it is now the early hours f the morning and i have to be up in less than 3 hrs to get on a fucking plane to Ork-land. not just your normal trip either. This happens to be a 3day 2night affair. I will remain silent for this entire period. Amazing huh? Coming from me. Got a gang to send me off tomorrow. For god's sake i hope someone bring a camera.

Anyway time for a ciggy them of to bed for everyone i didnt get to see, next time i suppose

now bite me

(i hope to god kenny can pick me up... don think i can handle much more travelling after that affair)

if u read this and u cant, then ill have to kill you ^.^ ......... in bed lol

bite me

the baffled king composing hallelujah

2007-01-05T23:17:00.000+08:00

another year huh?

no matter how much i try to get ahead of new years... its always somehow manages to sneak up on me and stick a knife ihn my back before i cvan so much as raise my champagne glass.

i reckon we should all have an official off day. the way i see it. theres 2006 and then there's 2007. absolutely nothing in between. no day of rest and reflection or anything like that. at 11 pm you're sitting there thinking; thank god i made it through this year in one piece and two hours later you're basically creating resolutions for the new year and trying to figure out what the hell to do with yourself.

so far this festive season has lived up to its name.. now i know why i slaved so hard over a stupid telephone for 6mths using everythig i have to get a person to buy a shit piece of equipment that works as and when it wants to.

i have been back for clsoe to a month now and it feel nothing less then walking on water. two months of completely detaching myself from the grotty grey society that is auckland. can i hear a hallelujah.
my one regret is that im flying solo. and if tiara and ej ESP. tiara is reading this, i miss u darling! cant believe you're not hear. same goes foryou ej. it would be nice to have the three muskateers running around bloody SEA.

so where am i now you may query?
well right at this moment im sitting in the bedroom of my godmom's new boat blogging off her laptop. uhuh.. i stayed over at their place last night and has lnch today, went to see The Queen which is an awesome movie about princess diana and went shopping and headed out to the boat.. Wnt for a long swim (been feeling guilty about doing jack all exercise) and a sit in the jacuzzi and then had dinner and went to the pub.. it was just like old times. i kid you not, i had a flashback of when i was 13 and sitting in that same pub surrounded by the same ppl lol what a head trip.

i got here on the 12th of feb, Rayden pickedme up from the airport.. when i saw him i couldn't stop shaking him.. i was jsut trying to make sure i wasn't dreaming.

The flight was a long one.. two days of travelling and i went out the day i got back, i felt rewally sick in the mrt, got off ran to the nearest toilet and puked my guts out.. i think it was all the flying and airplane food that did it.. stayed there for a week. Wednesday night, the greastest invention... Ladies night! i went out with Tim, got ABSOLUTELY shit-faced. told everyone i could drink them under the table (so basically everyone offered me drinks) drank solidyly for like 3 hours with the drinks getting steadily stonger (Tim knows the bar dudes) and ended up spewing jus as i got out of the taxi.

Nicee

lol stayed home the next day met up with Rayden and mates a couple of times, spent the whole night friday under the blocks of Woodlands drinking Bacardi
(courtesy of Regency Duty Free) stayed up all night and caught a cab in the morning to go to Johor. Met Hari at the MRT Station and proceeded out. He dropped me off at my grandmother's place promising to come get me later.. Surprisly, he kept his word.

So we wet for Shisha and he took me to dinner and then we met up with Clara in some club there, one of the best clubbing experiences i've had in a while (Clara apparently agrees, she left me a testi on friendster) we were on the pole podiums.. on the dance floor.. even on stage. lol it was good fun la. Then the owner of the club's brother bought me a drink just as i left. So i skulled it, told it was an awesome place and that i was just visiting and left.

The next day i left to go to KL. Silly me, i had no credit and no way of topping up cos everyone kept calling me, had like no credit on my foe. So oor Kenny was trying to txt me the whole way up. I was kinda late (malaysian traffic) so i txted him off this guys fone. he was spamming me hate txt's the whole way there and finally saw him and grovelled for making him wait to hours, the darling.

Stayed there till just after new years, it was awesome. i was kinda uneasy about meeting everyone, felt sorta weird cos they've known him for ages but they were all realli nice guys. Wasn't sure how they would respond to me, but it turned out realli well. Jumped on Kenny in the morning, it took alot of shaking and kissing before he was even half way concious and then gave him the whole puppy-dog eyed thing. See i realli wanted to go to Sunway Lagoon (the last time i was there was when i was yay high) so we went. There was like a million ppl there but it still was awesome. Went on all the rides i remember from when i was a kid, which somehow seem a lot smaller.

Went to Penang with him and a few friends, which was another awesome trip, slept, ate and swam. That's it lol... We had like a $200 seafood fiesta. Too bad they took out the bar in the pool.

Splurged on a hotel, a three day stay. That was lovely.. King size bed and what not
Stayed for xmas had a party at Sean and Rudy's place and then went to Nicole's for drinking, and boy did they drink... thanks to a convenient card game his majesty introduced. i tried to keep the drinking to functionable levels.. was supposed to come back in time for New Year's to spend it on the boat but the best i could get was an air ticket. i was dumb la shouldn't have been so adamant but yea i guess its over now and i learnt my lesson... so end of story; i missed my flight and Kenny who was gonna come with me.. couldn't get a ticket...

we wasted bout close to 200RM and ended up back at home. well he did mostly.. i still feel kinda bad la. poor thing..

would have been fun to ba back for new years, my godmom was telling me about what a shit awesome party they ad and abolut how she was dancing with this guy who was balancing a mug of beer on his head (i sawe it first-hand tonight lol) but in the end it was good. We stayed at Sean's and just sat around.. after midnight i took a moment to myself in the room... Something about new year's. it fucks with your head i tell you. i dont know what to make of it... i always feel like i need to be having fun to kick-start the year but im also afraid, cos a good new year's always means that the remaining 364 days never lives up to expectations..

but it was good i made a whole load of new friends and yea the rest of the time was spent at yum-char and drinking.. just got back down and went straight to aunty lizzie's place and im now on the boat the rest is yet to come.. Kenny is coming down on tuesday and his mates on Friday and hopefully well see Muse if not then maybe well go to Langkawi the week after..

Tiara theres a xmas present and a hong bao heading ur way everyone misses u and sends their love their all worried about you and i wish you were here.

but yea realli tipsy and the laptop is runnig out of batt so ill finish this off another day love you guys.

party hard for me but not too hard lol
Peace

Merry xmas and a Happy New Year

the light at dawn after a storm

2006-09-10T14:19:00.000+08:00

its been a while since i bothered with the tales of my life. i dont suppose anyone gives a shit anyway and im not entirely sure i want them to either. maybe thats why ive stopped i cant relate my life in words anymore..

just a blur of colours and doodles; a constant fucked up state of mind.

i dont even know who i am anymore. i see traces of who i was, masked behind what the society here has rubbed its dirty little fingers into. things are looking bright-ish yet bleak-ish like dawn after a storm and still i lift my weary feet; one in front of another. plodding through this hell hole till i reach the one on the otherside.

okay ill stop bein all emo.
things have been, well, interesting shall i say.
im not sure where i left off at the last post but in short since then:
-we met matt and ben that was interestin, good times i suppose

-we moved from st lukes to friggin nigga hood, Avondale

-i swear this house is cursed... havent managed to feel settled here since the move and tension has generally been high

-had a few all night crack benders. yes i know its bad for you and yes i know i shouldnt do it but im careful

-i quit uni

-started working full time

-had a couple run ins with daniel who came over every second minute because he wants to sleep with my sis

-had a interesting occassion with steve which didnt turn out too good

-went from part time to full time at work

-went to wellington for a week- all expenses paid by da company cept for the alcohol we were glugging down every night

-found out my dad has prostate cancer. apparently its in the early stages but he has to undergo surgery to get his prostate removed and then maybe chemo

-my sister has ADD that wasnt too much of a surprise once she found out but i jus never realised how it affected both my life and hers.

-she also has depression im not sure if she appreciates me shouting this all over the www but its not a bad thing and too me shes never looked better.

-ive spent a fuckload of money and bought myself a ticket home at the end of the year

-ive had my laptop stolen.. then my phone stolen.. then my fone stolen again.. and now i have a new one

-got a new mobile no 021 97 69 69 (nice huh?)

- i went on a big drug and alcohol binge where i was at least high if not on multiple things at the same time. this lasted around 3 months

-sorta cleaned up my act a bit or tried to anyway.. slowed down on the fucking myself up

-met kenny which is a good thing/bad thing.. ill let you know wen i myself know(its complicated)

-joined the gym which i have been tryin to make a regular part of my life.. it worked for a bit wen i was part-time and not studyin but now im back onto full time its looking a bit harder. but thats also cos im not in a fixed place

-i finally finally finally got my license and ive been sorta kinda learning how to drive.
(manual as wel which im realli proud of)

-smashed a massive hole in my room wall(i lost the plot completely..saw red)

-smashed the car bumper into my garage(i was wasted)

-getting sick of work and second guessing everything

-my mom wants us to all go for family therapy

-my parents are trying to scab money off me not that i dont mind helping out but it would be
nice to hear a"hello darling how are u" rather than "hey can u give me $200??"

-i can finally get a car.. and i want to but not after the cash im saving for my singapore trip and spending money and givin money away to my folks

geez i swear im going mad i think i realli need to move out of my parents place i dont even care how grotty it is anymore i jus need to get out before i snap.
and me within my own mind well im tryin to keep everything under control.. keep my chin up i can take anything ive done it before i can do it again

besides i have a better view of everythin and ignorance thou bliss, can distort with my active imagination into montrous proportions and that aint good. besides im too tired to fight. i jus don give a shit either way anymore

okay i lie
i feel evil and happy and sad because i feel happy in such an evil situation
haha try fuck with that one einstein
u cant phase me... u cant even touch this

i cant keep up with my thoughts

too many fuckin drugs i should stop realli i should but it elates you to a state where your numb to all the prerequisits of society, where you are one with the world because your in the clouds and nothing can harm you or touch you

chemical affair.. its there for the taking and it beats living so why the fuck not.
i officially detox wen i get back to singapore.. heard they got bush for bud as well maybe i should bring some down give everyone a taste of the real shit

im fucking around im stupid but not that stupid.. lol sorry im at work on a fucking sunday for like 8hrs and im not allowed to jack shit except answer calls as and when they come in

-----------updated-------------

okay so it is now next sunday and im still workin story of my current life.

except this time im in a lime green stand at the Auckland Showgrounds

the days jus seem to fly by in a blur of half foggy memories
i hate the transitional periods of the year...
its like this every autumn and spring but mostly jus spring...

fasten your seatbelts were landing

2006-05-01T20:56:00.001+08:00

im crashing. hard.
its been wonderful but the reality is dragging me back down to ground zero.
gay.

im also experiencing insomnia.
gay.
im stuck wandering the halls, or hall really. if i got a dollar for every time ive walked to the kitchen, opened the fridge, moved on to the cupboard, and then headed back to my room empty-handed...

well id have alot of dollars now wouldnt i.

its been bad. not bad bad but not good.
i think it all just really hit me yesterday. i dont think ill be able to get through this year. and the really gay thing is dont have any second options. its stupid though. why build a university, give it rip-off and shitty facilities to make it look like a university and then reprimand the students for treating it like a real university.

i mean cmon they dont lock the doors at real universities, they dunt kick you out for not attending, the dont give you stupid assignments about nothing..

sigh. and ive got to get a job yes another job.. ive got to do the whole thing with passing my cv on AGAIN. i swear it get s really tiring after a while.
and the real bomb..
well we were promised financial aid to get us out of this country so we can breathe some real air, instead of all the methane produced by the millions of sheep..
and yet again it has been withdrawn. one of the few things i hate more than anything.. is dangling offers at someone and then ripping away with a evil smirk once they have gotten all excited.
its not right. and now i have to find a source of income or work out some crazy deal to get myself a plane ticket back to singapore..

maybe i should talk to daniel about joining his agency.
just kidding im not that desperate. lol.. i mean i am but yeah .. uh nah....
its been depressing and its going to get worse. i mean sure well still party on and pretend like its all peachy but i dont know.
staying here for too long with all the narrow-minded born and bred type can slowly drive you mad.
and believe me im not just saying that.. if anyone, id be the last to discriminate

so like i said were moving houses. were going to live in a more notorious part of the westside..

TOC or Thugs of Canal
dats my crew nigga..dunt be hating..
no but really
apparently these guys are pretty ruthless.. all crackhead.
weve got to get some good security there and of course try not to interact with the neighbours.

at least we wont be at lost for weed.. id bet those guys bring it in by the pounds not that ill ever find out since ive made multiple promises not to have anything to do with anyone on that st.

so yea if you dont hear from me.. its likely i got raped or murdered. youll find me in the neighbours basement
lol
thats actualli ot very funny at all.. reminds me of fingers.. *shudder*
its one:thirteen in the friggin mornin. i cant sleep it feels like im on something..
im not.
straight as a stick

get it..

haha haha im on a roll tonight *roll eyes*
sigh so its come back to this.the low after the high very appealing. i hate this i hate crashing hate how it makes me feel like im worthless.
we all are its realli sad..

at least well look back to the time before this.. and well remember the awesome highs we had.. there were many.but right now its hard to look back when youve got everything you dropped pining for youre immediate attention... i hate this im broke im not getting a ticket back to singapore unless i can seriously sort something out.. i have nothing to make me feel better.. and i havent been to the gym all week....

id beat stephanie plum.

to end this sad sad episode of the late night blues..
ill tell u something for nothing

my movie... breakfast at tiffany's
my book... janet evanovich's series (cant think of anything else)
my song... ill tell you when i can come up with something solid.

goodday...goodnight

dancing in the moonlight

2006-04-24T15:05:00.000+08:00

what a title.. and the past what? 2 and a half weeks have been just that.. its been fucking amazing and its only gotten better.
seriously, this is your time to shine you know, when youre young.
i mean these are the things that you will look back on when youre up to your elbows in dirty diapers.
these are things youll remember and say "by fucking god, i had the best times of my life then"

being free. its a state of euphoria in itself.
the world looks so different when you are in an elevated position looking down on all the plebs who just cant see the beauty past the next 100m of grayscale sidewalk.

i had an epiphany at the very beginning. it was crazy and everyone thought i was crazy.. rambling on anout how the beauty of life isnt appreciated and how now i feel like i hold more power in my hands then i ever had. and how it has made me realise that i shudent give as much fuck as i did and that people will love me just as much regardless..

so the partying started. and it just never ended. we were constantly out in our dancing shoes, the children of the night... singing anthems to all the sleepy eyed suckers on their way to work, finishing off the last of the jack daniels with daniel (lol) in the racecourse..

tattooing each other, playing never ever, digging up dirt, laughing till our cheeks ache, driving around in search of drugs, lying on the floor completely fried, smiling the biggest smile ever seen.

thats what its been like. a week after my epiphany, tiara and ej drive off to see sigur ros and then come back saying the exact same things i was saying (clearly though) throughout last week. now weve all had them, weve got plans were going to do up a wall together.. weve gotten a house we all feel good about ourselves and were having an awesome time.

the time has seriously flown by.. i cant tell what day it is or what date, i dunt even remember what i was doing or who i was talking to. then again in the past 2 and a half weeks i havent had a straight day. weve bin smoking weed constantly; everyday or twice a day, i suppose weve been drinking quite alot as well though none of us have crossed the line when it turns from fun into agony and youre holding your gut while bent over a toilet bowl

i got fried with matt which was really really good.. not that im a junkie or anything but i wont lie about how it makes you feel, which is fantastic.. but i dunt take it on a regular basis never pay for it but do it when offered some for nothing. we smoked so much it wasnt funny - ironically me and matt had just watched spun a few nights before.. we were all talking about the craziest things and we were in the middle of nowhere.. somewhere out west by the water. we were up after everyone had gone to work.. managed to get some pot and smoke it than we decided to take my bro and avril's son out to see a movie. after it all we got home and got summore pot smoked it i tried to get to sleep and failed miserably i just couldnt close my eyes. i was so p'd out..

everyone could tell we were on sumthin. got cracked lips afterwards but it was worth it.. not gonna have anymore for a good while thou. and then

i saved the best for last:

we went to the disturbed concert on saturday. that... that was FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!!!
we got all dolled up in our rock gear;
black nailpolish, cuffs, black t-shirts, eyeliner, black boots..like im talkin the fuckin works.
left to get some weed.. we had some already but you know just to be safe..

we were gonna get an e.. like we were realli close to getting it but nah.. i suppose it was a good thing

anyway drove down to newmarket to get weed off mark, who has the nicest car by the way.. and impala with everythin hydraulics.. i mean everythin.

had a sesh and skulled back the bourbon we had.. went to evans dropped off the vodka we brought and walked up to the town hall.

it was so fucking crowded inside there were so many ppl. we were talking and then the lights dimmed.. everyone starts cheering fists in the air. the opening act wasnt bad. some group called red lights i think.. by the time they finished you could feel the heat from the floor.

a bit more waiting and again the lights dimmed.. this time it went off everyone was yelling and screaming.. then they started playing and it was just madness.. we were in the middle of the mosh pit.. and everyone was jumping. you could literally feel the ground bouncing. it was shaking it felt like the whole building was gonna come crashing down.

the music was the greatest thing ive ever heard. the lights the motion everything..
we were singing at the top of our voices, by the end of the first song we were soaked not like a lil sweaty..
i mean soaked. my hair was dripping, my shirt stuck to my body.. i couldnt even breathe but i could still yell, my hand high in the air.
we didnt leave once not even to get a drink and they played for a good 3 hrs.
the song line up was amazing. the last song was of course down with the sickness..
our song. the song we had been waiting for all night..
everyone there went hard.. we had bin pushed back, and then we pushed forward so when they played the last song we were right in the middle again. everyone was so violent i had already gotten knocked in the brow before.. but me and ej, jusyt decided that we should get more violent ourselves.
we were moshing so hard jumping with everyone else.. but once i sorta got carried higher i jumped and i stayed in the air for jus those few more seconds and i could see everything and then it was over.

we left with da biggest smiles and went looking for water. went to evans' place and started drinking da vodka and had a sesh.. and then we walked up to hysteria for the afterparty..
and guess who should be standing at the door but the bassist, john..
so naturally (and we were pretty shit-faced by then) we offered him a sesh and he agreed. went down to our usual spot and sparked up. i think we got him pretty stoned lol
he was like"oh my god i havent done this for like 10 years or sumthin"
it didnt even sink i then or after.
got him to sign my arm as well.
and tiara slept with him.
an official groupie. goon on you tiara, see the best things happen when u least expect it.
its all simmered down now a bit.. weve done a good time of partying and no doubt it will continue . still havent had a completely straight day yet but sem 2 will be chasing me down in a little while. so i can sober up then...

till then im gonna live it up..

azs always

and i roll the best weed cos i got it goin on...

2006-04-03T10:10:00.000+08:00

wow.

its already apriil. it's a little hard to believe i suppose but then again...
school right now seems almost non-existant and my time is spent carelessly, mostly in town drinkin and smoking and drawing.

everyone says im fiending. but im not. we've had numerous discussions about this and i still slidly believe that as long as i have the choice to stop when i want im no fiend. or so i like to believe anyway. well at least i should be a bit more busy then i was wat with me starting work and everything.

i was so proud of myself i applied for 2 jobs and got both one 12 buck and hour one 13. yea im going to be rolling in cash... i did a trial at one and by the time it was over i was ready to keel over. i suppose it didnt help that i was drinkin and smoking the night before.
every few minutes i would check the time counting down the minutes till i could go. now i remember why i hate working so much. but hey its got to be done i just have to stay dedicated

that day in fact was one of the longest i've had in a long while. a 24 hour day. when i finally finished and practically dumped myself in the back of the bus, my eyes were fighting to stay open. i got home nd collapsed on the couch for a little while and then got woken up for dinner. fish. managed a few mouthfuls but that was it. and then i had a shower and we all got ready to go out. armed with what was left of our fifty bag of weed and 4 bottles of spirits, we went back into town to evans' place and started drinking and smoking. the numbness of it all was the best medicine.. we watched an awesome movie.

misery.
it was wonderful. she is one of the best villains i've seen to date and they have and awesome hardcore fighting scene. the ending the last few seconds were the best.

then came the flood of txt messages. so me and ej left for k rd to go meet rory and the gang. we had another sesh in the carpark on k rd, people kept walking in and disturbing us.. so you know i blamed it all on ej not taking his medication.. finally da guys got there all dressed out in their skinny jeans and leather jackets, studds and tears everywhere.
and we walked all the way to the bottom of town, after skulling back the remains of the alcohol. my god it was a long walk.. and it was pouring with rain..

i looked like a drenched chicken i was soaked and everyone was like "arent u cold?"
no.. came the brave reply. i actually had all the drugs in my system to thank for that i didn't feel cold not in the least jus really realli numb. i wore rory's jacketr for a bit which weighed a ton and the jamie's jacket.

everyone had a problem with them seriously so many people offered a fight. i think it was jus the whole punk thing.. one guy took a bag of paper (???) and hit rory over da head like it would hurt him. this was right on queen st and so jr. went up to him and was like "chill out we werent talking about your missus" and da guy still wanted to scrap so jr hooked him pulled his shirt over his head and kept hittin him.. its amazing how fast crowds form when there's something to see. within a minute there was a full circle surrouding them. security came and broke them up and we kept walking.

"fuck you niggas" (or something along those lines) sounded from the inside of a cab. and there low and behold was daniel. everyone sorta crowded round da cab and started talking. then they exchanged numbers. a few guys in a car behind da cab started honking and giving us the finger telling us to get outta the way.

finally finally we got down and into a car, we got a ride back up town and went back to evans' place, have another sesh and finally get up to go at 8 in the morning.
what a night..

i have also just come to the realisation that all the guys i have bin out with are good for nothing loser with no depth to them whatsoever. a bunch of bastard s all of them.
steve is officially over i never ever want to see him again partly the reason for me wanting to feel completely numb. the fucker hit me. he's so violent. we were in his car and he grabbed me. i was like fuck off let me go. but he jus kept holding me. so i paniced and i grabbed his throat. i was like get the fuck off me. i got away and he sticks his face out the car and calls every beautiful name under the sun.. and of course the next day he wants to come over and talk about it like everythings okay and like he never did anything
. i wish i had done more. i wanted to walk back down and break his fucking nose but then his massive sister will probably come knock on my door again and go

"ah.. u fucking hit my bro.. ah.. now im a gonner break u up bro, im gangsta dunt fuck with my fanau. ill call my mongrel mob gangstas to come bash u in ah"

fuck u cunt. fuck u steve. fuck u for hitting me. fuck u for feeling so insecure with me that u have to resort to violence and the need to control me to make me passive so you can completely own me. you dont own me you never did i gave up and tried so much for you but you will never get me. i hate u.

ever since then i've been so on edge with people doing things to me when i tell them not to. sorry ej man.. i didn't mean to slap you so hard, i just hate being slapped no matter how light and all i saw was a red hot white light.. and i just yea. i dont know. sorry

i think i should put up some off my work on deviant art... jus to i dont know, get into the artist circle and see what people actually think of my work

anyway im off to work soon for a trial so wish me luck

because....just because

2006-04-02T18:04:00.000+08:00

sorr im way to lazy to blog but i went to tiaras blog and read her post and its sumthin ive bin meanin to say so i decided to steal it.. its funny me and ej were jus having a discussion about this.. its true. scarlett is the heart in all our imaginations.. and her creation, her adventures.. or misadventures rather, are very much a reflection of everything that is us..

anyone whose interested jus keep checkin here and well tell u wen we get a site up and running..
and thanks for all the unwavering support..

damn, i've just been too busy having too much fun... which isn't a bad thing.

i've decided, for the lack of nothing better to write about right now... i shall entail what scarlett is to me.

she is... the impossible. a paradox.
she's a part of all of us that is real, a character for what we want to be, how we want our world to be.

a little peter pan, a little alice in wonderland, a little tim burton...

she's the perfect outlet.

an adventurer, a prophet, a dark side and a too much coffee.

experimentation... twisted perpectives... freedom...

i really love her, i love what we're doing and i really believe in what we're doing.

i hope we really pull this off.

for those off you who don't already know.... ej, del and i are working on an online animated comic known as The Misadventures of Scarlett. we can't say for sure how long it will go on for, but we've already written 1 and a half seasons, with 8 episodes to a season. scarlett finds herself in a strange world where she is the only human, animals talk, and she has amnesia. slowly she uncovers the deeper secrets of her past and... well... i won't spoil it for you.

in case you're anyone important who wants to help us... please email me. we're looking for flash animators, maybe some sound people and anyone that wants to sponsor us, well, we're not going to turn you away....

the good the bad and the ugly

2006-03-05T16:17:00.000+08:00

everythings bin movin so fast since skool started.. its all a blur of highs and lows.. its definitely bin a real crazy month thou.

defnitely.

im baq in uni. yes another dreadful year made even worse by the fact that i have to re do everyhtin that ive already learnt. yes i failed last year and now im doin a jumble of classes with the owrst possible semester schedules aavailable.

this semester nuthin happens. i come to class for an hour i go home. dats my day. da next day spend another few hours in class and den i head off home. cept i normally find myself in da bar instead.
da first day back was maddening i actualli showed up on time and all we were doin was gettin our lockers sorted. so i went to the bar made ej skipp class and we drank solidly from like 10 in da mornin to about 6pm.
it was a 'baq-to-this-shithole' celebration sorta thing.
and then next semester im doin so much i dont even know whether ill be able to cope with all the work.
but i cant drop any classes cos if i do i wont get any money from da government. its stupid. and i realli need to get a job but thats wat(partly) prevented me from passsing last year so i thought

its okay i can jus work this sem and den next sem ill quit..
well its already march so id bettr get my ass in gear which i cant cos i dunt have funds too kickstart it.

which leads me to da worst day of this year

it was last monday and i woke up early in the mornin to go to town. course wen i finally got there i found i didnt have a reason to be there and i was loaded up with a bag full of supplies to work on scarlett. meet tiara for coffee and i tried to take out some muny but low and behold i had only 2 bucks in my bank.
so i spent ages callin up studylink to try figure out wat the hell was goin on and i finally found out i wasnt a full time student no more. so i went all da way to talk to my teacher and we figured out dat i got dropped from a class cos it clashed but since i wasnt doin da class that it clashed with i was still eligible for it. went all the way down to talk to studylink called dem up and waited and waited but the fones were nt workin

so walked baq up to see ryan and tiara and dey suggested dat i go visit da headquaters. so i went there and waited and waited and den dis lady comes along and i tell her my problem

and da stupid fuckmook tells me to go away and day dey cant help me and dat im wasting her time. i was ready to jump across the table and pull her eyes out of her nostrils. but i couldnt.. so i jus walked away yelling about how i was gonna kill her and everyone in her family.
i went all da way baq to AUT and called up my teacher and she told me to go to da registry which i did da woman there told me id jus hafta sort it out with studylink and dat dere was nuthin she could do so i went baq to call them up again and waited for ages and ages

and finally i manage to work it all out sorta my money would come in on the next day which meant dat id get it on saturday..

i still havent gotten da cash. its almost monday and no sign of it.

FUCKING BASTARDS

oh yea and da hole time i was doin all this we were actualli waiting for ej to show up so we cud work on our project. we waited for 12 hrs

fin.

not that its just been bad weve bin gettin some pretty smooth scores so dats kept da whole thing interestin regardless.

my dads comin over this thursday.. and hes staying till after his birthday so were gonna have him here for ages which is great. plus hes bringin me baq a carton of port royal tabacco and a bottle of 42 below feijoa vodka which is probably one of da best thing ive ever tried.

and we had two especially awesome nights a week after each other.
da first was our impulsive outing. jus me tiara and ej. and we had da awesomest night. we meet heaps of random ppl. got realli high and drunk and decided to take pics with everyone we met. it was beautiful we had da craziest time we went to family and tiara made out with dis realli fat lesbian chick. and den we went to provedor and drank and danced and sang. it was fuckin cool.

da next week was da starlight symphony. we got a picnic and blankets and went to da domain to listen to da orchestra and da choir.. we got there sat around and den finally evans da man of the hour showed up and hands us a massive sweet smelling 50 bags.

so we get the old ladies next to us to look after us and we go off and have a sesh. dere were cops everywhere but we jus sat on da grass and sparked it up.it was fine. ej was tryin to freak us out and he kept sayin dat da cop was gonna stop so we started poking him. went baq and after sittin round for a while deystarted da laser light show... and den they did da fireworks.

which we fucking amazing.
and it was matched to da perfect piece of music. it was da best ever.

everythin finished and we packed up and went to da cemetery for another sesh walked down da rd and bumbed into aneel and jon who shouted us some drinks. den orlando and lee these guys dat we met last week came down and said hi.. they got us more drinks and den we took off to da carpark for another sesh. so we were wasted outta our minds by dat stage. we decided to pass by family cos it was da last day of hero dis gay festival. on da way we bumped into another guy dat we had met da week before and we said hi.

got to family and we saw jenna ej mate. and den i saw anton whose dis realli cool gay guy i know. and we went inside. got in and ej and jenna draged me up to da stage which thank god was full i was like nah man but dey wudent let me down . and so we danced
ej was like u gottga make out with someone tonight cos tiara did last week. and den he pushed me to this chick. i wasnt sure whether she was lesbian or straight so i was jus like sorta dancing and smiling at her. and den whoaa

next thing i know we were making out. tongue and everthin. it was so weird because it wasnt weird. i mean like tiaras right u cant tell the difference part from da boobs and da faq dat deres no hard bits pressin into ur leg.

tiara wasnt all dat impressed
ej thought we looked hot.
and i was jus like holy shit.
da song stopped and i was jus like shit i dunt wanna hafta keep makin out with her so i was like i gotta go find my sis. she held my hand and came along. introduced dem and i told her i was goin outside for a cigarette.

she went to look for her frens and da moment she left i was like:

i wanna go. lets go i wanna get out of here.
but we didnt go and thank god i didnt see her in there. danced a bit more and den finally left to go home

i told u its bin fucking crazy

and now ive jus finished a weekend of packin and movin. not me i was helpin tiara and ryan cos their movin baq here. its bin tirin only thing dat kept me goin was weed.
ive got a room filled to da ceiling with shit and no way to get from the door to the bed without injury. i cant even close my door or draw my curtains.

and da shits gonna stay here till at least tuesday. it has to be done but it jus sucks dat it has to be my room and dat no one ever even considered dat i might have a take on the whole idea or even tried so soften da inconvenience im putting up with for thier benefit.
im not complainin

it jus fuckin sucks.

so dats bin dat and now we begin

100'C is the conversion temperature of water

2006-02-12T10:23:00.000+08:00

help..
i am swimming well more like drowning in my own mind.too many things going ona round me. all i can do is hold on and pray that i dont get left behind. right now i realli shouldnt be blogging i should be typing out my CV. but if everything was that staightforward den i suppose we wouldnt have invented the wheel would we?

i have good news and bad new.

which do you want to hear first?
okay well lets start with the good seein as were all such optimists...

im going to get a car. fucking finally a nice car thats all mine. i have no fucking clue what to get thou.. i should get sumthin small less powerfull so i wont eat its worth up in gas. but i wanna get sumthin sizable and comfortable..
definitely a sedan. definitely an auto. alloys and a body kit wud be a plus i suppose.
maybe a mits galant, or if i want sumthin smaller a mazda familia.. or a honda civic.
id love to get a supra or a skyline or a silvia.. and their all in my price range but its too expensive to keep goin..
ill prob end up with a civic

ive got all my skool shit sorted out finally..
it took me so long goddamn me for failing but at least im gettin thru and still gettin my muny this year. phew

okay i cant think of anythin else.

now for the bad news.
im broke as broke
its so sad to see.. realli it is. i cant even leave the house cos i dunt have muny to get anywhere anytime i get even the slightest bit of muny i go out and spend on a temporary high. sad but ill get my grand coming in and then ill have a whole nother headache. theres cloths i need to get for skool and deres all my skool shit i need to get and i wanna take my mom out clubbin cos shes havin a real hard time.

poor woman man she tries and tries to do everythin for this fucked up family and it doesnt even seem to help and shes always screamin cos my lil brothers the spawn of satan. i think if she carries on shell have a mental breakdown.

so im gonna take her dancing.
=)
and i desperately need to get sumthin done to my hair which is lookin real shaggy at da mo. dunt even know whetehr ill have the muny to do dat. but owel u can have everythin ive got a tight budget to stick to and i dunt know whether i can pull it off..

i need to get my CV written up and den i need to go look for a job so i can fund my getting a car. i need to work out a timetable for skool and fit in all my classes and den i need to go and get all the shit i need and get everything mentioned above and i have a miserable week to do it.. wait no not even thae i have but a few days to get it all sorted out..

but ill manage as always.
anyway id better get back to making everythin happen instead of jus thinkin about it so ill go now

a million years in a moment

2006-01-14T20:31:00.000+08:00

its crazy how fast you grow up.

realli.. its funny how ur life is jus laid out before you without u actualli havin any idea of whats going on around u.
when youre young u feel invincible. i still sorta do i guess. but you think you know everything and dat u know everything better den anyone else. dont listen to no one dont care about no one. there are the ppl u keep for the rest of your life and theres everyone else. its just so crazy looking back to rs and thinking about all the dumb things dat made "such the impact" on my life..

it just seems that everything i balwed my heart out for was sooo... trivial.
the real world is nothing like that. its fucked. you cant trust anyone but since that leaves u with no one u kinda just have to take your chances.. falling in out of love with different ppl.. its crazy how many times ive said i love you to someone in high skool. maybe 100. and it was all so cool. oh ive got a bf..

WOW

no shit.

it was all so easy and straightforward there. comfort in everything. over here? every day is a fight. u keep ur head down here. ppl dunt want to just be your friend. deres always a superior motive. there are exceptions of course as always. but i learnt to be smart the hard way.

a dark time in my life
im over it.

so why is it still haunting me.
why am i afraid of someone jus showing up in my own home.
why am i still drowning myself in alcohol and drugs
why do i wake up from bad dreams

its not going to happen again.
never.
i hope they find him and put him away.

ive grown so much.. probably more in these past two years then i have in my life. a whirlwind of new discovery. the journey of life yea? heh. sure...
haha its funny looking baq.. i was such a silly lil girl. haha gave da teachers a good amount of shit though. that was fun. i was so taking advantage of the fact that i was untouchable.

and now?
ive bin degraded to a babysitter.
staying home with my bro looking after him and the house till my mom gets baq from here fucking ventures.
i feel like a 30yr old single mom.
kill me.

sigh. wish i had a book that told me how all the pieces fit together.
too bad. probably would have done alot of things differently.

and now a look baq on the memories of years passed:

2001 -taco bell
-pretending to go to that night thing during puasa(i cant remember wat its called)
2002 -robotics
-tampines mall
-jetti
2003 -hari's party
- sports day
-chucking my fone (lol)
-the dome
-soccer; rs vs sembawang
2004-coming to nz
- blinn (!!!)
-mt eden primary school and chris
- trying weed for the first time
- living with jake and liam
-selling windows
- tiaras bdae party
2005-finally doin my fashion design course
-margaritas
-drinking beers at seven with daniel
-e pills and p and mdma
-absinth
-going to skool with two hours of sleep and a hangover
-eating korean with steve
-snorting mdma and e and smokin weed with terry
-working at archies
-fingers
-going to the country forthe first time

wow thats a pretty hefty list..
all i have to say?
ummm....
for the good times, thanks it was great
fror the bad times, shit happens
for the ppl who never stopped believing in me, i love u guys
for the ppl who were cunts, youre always gonna be a cunt so jus go get fucked
for the highs, whoooaaa dude
for the lows, i owe my life to coffee and cigarettes
and for the rest of the time, im glad it went so fast

the song of the moment for me is definitely
There it Go (The Whistle Song) by Julez Santana
awesome awesome song

meow

helpless

2006-01-07T21:21:00.000+08:00

star light
star bright
first star i see tonight
wish i may
wish i might
have the wish i wish tonight

i love him.
i miss him.

maybe its not the smartest thing at this point but i cant help it.
just talking to him makes me feel like i wanna laugh and cry and smile all at the same time
i just wanna feel safe.

its so complicated.
or maybe its not maybe im just complicated.

i know everyone is tellin me to leave it be now where no can get hurt
but i cant i just cant leave it at that.
aside from the fact that i was never the sort to just cast off like that without anything in my head. even if that wasnt the case i still cant.

but it will mess with the plan i cant let anything mess with the plan this year. and maybe it wont. okay i know it will even if it doesnt it still will.
and its my fault. im so selfish.

i miss him.
i love him.

stupid stupid del. how the fuck do u get yorself into all these puddles? huh? dumb arent u?
im such a hopeless romantic its sickening.

i wish that it was just that easy for me that everything came just like that. its been tough and all ive been doin is tryin to do the right thing. keyword: try.
i should just stop thinking about it. just keep staring at the ground and let my feet take me where i wanna go. what happens happens.

gah. but its jus not that simple. everyone has choices to make. and then what happens depends on your choice. but its all grey area no black no white.
so here i stand with my head in a right muddle.

the problem is i know what everyone else is thinking i dunt wanna have to prove them right. but im afraid i will and that will jus hurt everyone more. i dunt wanna hurt anyone. thats why im better off alone.
but its so lonely being alone.

i dunt care.
besides whatever happens..

i love him
i miss him.

im helpless..

a new world is.. rising

2006-01-03T21:41:00.001+08:00

"hey guess wat the cat draged in.."
havent blogged in ages. it seems like yonks ago wen i was last in here..

i cant sleep.
its 3.30 in da fuckin mornin and i cant sleep
why u ask?

well ive got a mountain of things i have to do as well as the fact that i have been goin to bed at about 4 or 5 in the mornin for the past i dunno...

3 months.

sheesh.

well its a new year ahead and i cant think of anything i benefited from in this whole year..okay maybe i can but thats besides the point..
the point is that ive been doin nuthin dis year realli. failed my course.worked my ass off at a fucked up job for nuthin.drank and drugged myself into a state.
fuck.

i hardly noe myself anymore.
this year im gonna focus and im gonna finish wat i start.
~~at least i think i can~~ i CAN.

im gonna quit this job get a better job and im gonna get my car
this year man its all on.
oh yea and fuck guys.

all of em.. their all fucked in da head. twist u round and dangle u and play mind games.
ive had closure from all the guys ive come to know this year. seriously.
about a week before new years i heard from all da guys ive known.. like properly known. and i came to da conclusion dat guys are arseholes.
jus shows wat sorta guys i run into.
i miss steve. hes so sweet...

(and then comes the...) BUT.

but theres a long story behind that one. we have so much fun together and i miss him wen hes not around but i dunno..

WE HAD THE MOST AWESOME NEW YEAR!
seriously.
(snigger)<- personal joke =)

got to tiara's place early had some alcohol. went to the liquor shop and bought more alcohol.came back and had more alcohol. went to k rd to meet everyone(had some alcohol in da car). we raced to get there before midnite(it was about 11:56). ran down da road sceamin and yellin. bumped into da other guys.more screamin and yelling. midnight. everybody drunkenly hugs everybody(da guys we met were fucked they had bin drinkin since about 6).we jump in da car to go home while da rest of da grup treks it to tiara's place.get home and drink summore. and summore. roll up a nice sweet smellin green tobacco.evans rolls another one. we smoke the joint. talk. finish it. light another one. drink and get high. talk. 2 ppl are trashed on da floor. one spews into a bucket and in da corner of da balcony and some one hands her a glass of water. more ppl come. more drinks. more drinks. and den me and evens sit down again to roll up summore cronic (not easy wen ur high as a bloody dolphin in da sky) we have a huge balloon fight. get another drink. go out to the balcony and spark up. picked up a now broken glass from underneath da chick dat spewed and den keep drinkin and smokin. 2 more ppl are lying on the floor. talk. drink more. and one for da road and den its off to beddie-byebyes for del.

it was cool.enjoyed it. an awesome party like i said probably cos i didnt think anyone expected much of da party in da first place.. but it turned out great.

and OH MY GOD.. 42 Below Feijoa Vodka is so fucking nice..

tryin to look for jobs now but da bloody websites seem to be rejection me.. da pages all dunt load. its a test but i will overcome it.

WHY?
its simple.

cos im da man.
=)

and cos i said i wouldnt procrastinate so much this year.

(but mostly cos im da man.)

a new world is.. rising

2006-01-03T21:41:00.000+08:00

baq on da fast track

2005-07-21T06:52:00.000+08:00

busy busy day today gonna get my contact lenses.. finally ill be able to see again!!

no more da one-eyed monster lol.. and den monday im gonna get my hair done as well gonna get it straight. i think dats wat i want well im pretty sure it is cos it goes all messy otherwise and its real annoyin dat it gets fucked everytime its wet so this is definitely a step forward.

not only that im gonna go job hunting today. managed to get rid of my bro. thank god..
gonna go meet my mom and get some dough and den off to look for a job. hope i get one i can realli use da muny need to get a whole load of new clothes.. and im gonna save up to get baq to singapore. got it all worked out. save $120 a week and by nov i have enuff to get dere for bout a month and do some serious shoppin!!!

yay.

got all my expenses worked out as well.. i think now all i hafta do is stick to da budget =)
and dah-ling that is gonna be a breeze.

pfft yea rite.

skool startin on tuesday dunt think i can face gettin up so early in da mornin i think ill die. i hafta get baq into da right sleepin pattern at least dats wat im tryin to do.. ive had bout 2 hrs sleep in da last three days.. so hopefully by tonight ill be jus bout dead on my feet and den ill crash and wake up wen da sun is still up...

got alot to do so ill check baq later..

one-eyed monster

2005-07-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

its amazin how lil time i spend on da internet since da start of da year esp since da hols started..
too busy i guess bin havin alot goin on and it doesnt help dat i hardly get to use da com.im supposed to get my own but it still hasnt come yet.
well wat has bin up?

tiara got a job
i havent
its da last week of da hols
my mom got a job
i havent
da makin of The Misadventures of Scarlett; a kickass animation series comin soon
(ive added a link.. go check it out)
harry potters out
i havent bought it
bin goin out alot
kyles gone for too weeks to korea
kevins gone to brunei for __ weeks
im not goin nowhere for a while

dats it i guess. yea ppl bin tellin me i sound kinda homesick.. i guess i do its time for me to come home.. but i cant go. and i hate it i wanna get away from da life here and all da worries dat come with it.. ill miss out on da good bits but not realli i guess. not enough for me to care.

and ive bin havin real fucked up dreams as well like real strange..and its got da weirdest mix of ppl.. i think im goin crazy well not realli i cud probably put a cause top dat prob but im not gonna. bin feelin real tired as well. all i wanna do is sleep cos i havent realli bin gettin much.. and ill feel real tired cant be fucked doin anythin and wen i do sleep ill sleep for hours and still feel tired.. now everytime i go out at night i wont feel like dancin much.. my legs jus get real tired i think i need to go on a sorta detox and get everythin baq in order..

muthafuck...er
i jus remembered i have an assignment due. fuckin hell dis is great. nvm ill do it later.. like in a week from now.

great.
oh yea thanks ej for addin all da shit i got u to add.
sorry jake for messin up da order. my bad.

cant sleep i feel like a fuckin insomniac.its freezin fuckin cold and im da only fuckin one awake. my head fuckin hurts and my vision is all fuzzy. i wanna talk to someone familiar.. i need to get away. get away from it all here all da chaos and da night visitors and da screamin and da fonecalls. i need to go home.

ps sorry for all da drunken fonecalls
miss u guys

skools out, party's up...im gonna get fucked

2005-06-28T15:26:00.000+08:00

yup yup its dat time again... da hols. not realli still haf an assignment to do but wat da hell i mean its a month off.. thank funkin god i was ready to die. honestly. da rate at which all the deadlines came one after another was crazy. but managed to do dem all and not half bad an effort on my part.. dat was after i stopped skippin classes.

hafta thank jen for drivin me into skool at da right times.. see wen u dunt hafta wait in da cold for a fuckin bus to come get u and ur allowed to smoke and listen to music, waking up seems a whole lot easier. lol

so yea got everythin in on time and did it as best i cud hope ill do well enuff. though it was last minute it was pretty impressive. i still reckon da fuckin patternmakin assignment was da worst.

see its thursday.. second last day.. so wat da hell i decide to go out on wed night and get trashed as trashed can be. drugs drinkin the lot.(not very brainy huh?) so be it. go out clubbin get totally fucked. finish wen all da clubs close and kick us out. a million free drinks. then head home in a cab. find we dunt have muny for da cab so we jus jump out. try to get to sleep for an hour.
wake up alil later still very trashed. mouth feelin dry as a bitch. and head to skool to finish my assignment due at 1pm and try and study for da exam. god noes how i finished but i did.. and handed everythin sweet on da dot.

am i amazin or wat. talk bout focused. see normally i wud have said fuck it and jus not shown up. but no. im responsible now... lol...
my skirt and boots are still covered in mud and i have a mega bruise on my leg from trekkin though da bush..tryin to get home.

yea and ever since den its bin party non stop. i love da hols.. but see this week and weekend im gonna be all quiet, lookin for a job and all da important techie stuff like dat. have i got it sussed or wat?

yea jus got all my muny and budget sorted out.. hafta get sussed if i wanna move out to da city i reckon it will be fun but i dunno its kinda scary and it seems like sumthin dat wont keep up for da whole time.. but if everythin works out accordin to plan i can get myself a car or a trip to singapore by da end of da year.

in which case if da offer of our godparent still stand where dey pay for half........

*
*
*
dream...lol

but it will be fun bin wanting to go baq but no fundin so yea dis to me seems like a good way to get it all worked out and learn to deal with my own issues.
yup
im so proud of myself for workin it all out.

need to get my wardrobe worked out as well so many clothes i need to get rid of and deres so much i need to get. well not realli need but cud definitely do with. so hafta put muny to dat as well. and of course goin out..

kinda a shamw i wasted $40 bucks on da senior after ball we didnt even stay dere for long. free alcohol from 12-5 my arse.. dey took so long to start bloody servin alcohol.. didnt have that much and den left for margies.. nuthin spectacular..

so any waysits a few days from wen i started dis entry and im fucked off my face so im jus gonna publish this with wat it has and take it for wat it is.. its too early and i have yet to hitt town.so im off

have fun studyin allu suckers dat arent on holiday i have onlyone thing to say....

shame

lol
outz

..blurry..

2005-05-15T14:54:00.000+08:00

i dont know wat to think anymore i use to.. i use to think i knew it all. but i dunt i mean i always knew that i didnt realli know but at least i thought i knew wen it came to things i should know about..
but i dunt. not anymore i just dunt know i dunt know wat to think i dunt wanna think and i dunt want anyone else to think.

impossible?
definitely.

i dunt even know wat i wanna say its bin crazy and its bin weird and i think i feel a routine here. i know wat i should do and i know wat i want to do and i know wat should happen and wat will happen but i just dunt know wat to think and i feel so..

distanced.

i playing a part. im always playin a part. theres always some calculation, some reference to every move every step, there is no connection though. i cud but i dunt.

why?
just in case...
wat would it mean to me? well it would mean sumthin different, it wud mean sumthin changing a routine blown to pieces.
maybe i thrive off routines god knows i dont like change i can accept it but i dunt like it. it never did me any good at all. all it does is throw u out of your element and leave u to pick up the pieces and try and fit the together.. its not like there are any new pieces jus a million old ones and a few newer ones that all look exactly the same and all dont realli seem to belong.
a million jigsaw pieces..from different sets all thrown into a communal box.

im not obsessive compulsive i jus like a basic order in my life. everyone wants order its only natural. but to be so offset.. maybe i am. i just dunt know anymore..

i need to get a foot ain and start concentrating.. i need to stop doing things without thinkin them thru til the very end. but its calculative behavior like that that i simply cannot stomach.

why why whould u want to do nuthin? what joy do u get from that?
but then again what sorrow do u get from that?
no emotions. nuthin.
i dunt think i could live like that.. no drive nuthin jus a void as u walk from point A to point B and back again and back again..

i feel.....
scared.
vulnerable.
insecure.
frustrated.

i feel pain.

but i still laugh over the small surface thing i still smile and still manage to have a good time no and then. and sumtimes im swept away. sumtimes i feel like nuthin except the moment matters. but the the moment passes.

and i still feel pain.

i want to go back to singapore i want to escape to some where that is familiar and comfortable, somewhere where i know the way things work. where i do not have to participate in any of the surface everyday bustle, where i can just sit back and watch. finally be one in the audience.

i want a holiday.

I’ve still got your face
Painted on my heart
Scrawled upon my soul
Etched upon my memory, baby

I’ve got your kiss
Still burning on my lips
The touch of my fingertips
This love so deep inside of me, baby
-Painted on my Heart, The Cult

now jus fade away

the .. lounge

2005-05-02T16:35:00.000+08:00

shit i am so drunk tite now.. i had a good nite.. too many shots like i dunno 8 yea it was good bin drinkin too much inda last week.. sorry if dis entry is all fuckied up cois i dunt noe wat im typin,., yea anyway its bin like this the whole week.

ui like tat song by akon dat one called lo0nely..
ej> this is ej, I'm really drunk and it was fun i met daniel.
he's cool. he got me drunk.

and yea del has a burnt mark near her nipple.

you dont have to believe what I say because I'm really drunk.

and yeah del and daniel were cool.
and i got really drunk and im actually fucked up.
and dels bro is trying to talk to me.
but im too fucked up.

visit my fucking sexy blog www.the-animator.blogspot.com

coz im really cool.

and yeah del doesnt actually care what im writing on this because shes too busy...
and shes really cool... and jake is fucked in the hospital.
and dels mom is really scary.
and tiara is scary sometimes....
but she's cool and like i said you dont have to belive in anything i say coz im fucking fucked up as shit fucked upas drunken mother fucker.

its del im back... yea im back lol yea its bin a crazy week tokin to my dad now im gettin fucked by him..

yea my mate got caught with weed on him and we were in da car and he got arrested but i didnt get into shit nicely cos i had shit on me... yea i had like a pipe and a bong on me fuck it why am i typin all this shit i dunt want no one to noe.. yea so i stayed out cos ifn mot id have gotten into loadsa shit... i did get into shit anyway so fuck it.. im all good gotta go to court on friday and shit and i might be goin out drinkin more later on dunno whether dats a real good i dea but fuck it ima do it anyway all i can say is i shudent go to bed and i dunno wat lectures will be like tomorrow.. great..
cheack ya all later...

misses

ooh and check out da game how we do... its all good love dat song dunno why... its a mean as song bin listenin to it too much i dunno im jus too trashed... fuck it im trashed yea ill admit it...
no no wait im not drunk i jus tired...
yea im off holla yall dunno whether ill get into shit fuck it.
dats my new fave word fuck it.....

yeah sucks to u all who hafta be inskool and cant be doin wat im doin cos im havin da time off my life goin out bin drinkin all week and doin shit.. loss too much weight cos i havent bin eatin...
ejs scarain cos hes huggin my leg but ill bring him to the tree and hell be all good...

ej stop spankin me u freak,,
catcha
later

my paper hear

2005-04-28T21:23:00.000+08:00

i dunno ive always loved dat song i dunt care wat u think lol

yea well its definitely bin interestin.. very interestin ive had a reall good well i guess u can call it a weekend and a bit.. first time ive got realli drunk since ive gotten back to nz.. umm yea first time ive bin to a thai night club...i noe (??) huh? yea well dat was interestin.. kept gettin bought shots.. i guess it was cos i was with daniel.. yea bin drinkin alot durin da last weekend..

yea did a few things ive never done before..

i was up and outside at before seven in da mornin and if u know me well ull know dat dat is pretty fuckin amazing... okay da fact dat i was up all nite is beside da point.

yea me and daniel we went to watch da sunrise.. so were walkin past all these real heaslthy ppl and were jus swingin this box of beers with like 8 bottles left in it.. went to this buzzy as tree and sat and started skullin all these beer.. one bottle in one drag.. it was funny. and we started quizzin each other.

i know howta play roulette

i watched da sunrise

started smokin dunhill reds...

yea..

strange da holidays are finally catchin up to me... still got assignments to do but runnin outta time. damn i feel guilty ah fuck it i dunt care..
bin havin too much fun gonna get real wasted and then get tested on the drivin code...
haha cruise round with terry or sumthin..

fun fun,,

talk later gonna go learn howta play slide on da guitar..

outies

high school reunion

2005-04-21T01:09:00.000+08:00

well wat can i say its dat time again. yep im back and ive jus done some stress-relief activity so im all good now

(wank wank)

lol yea and yea ive jus bin blog-hoppin and apparently everyone seems to be in skool studyin.
well since i got shipped off here without much say in the matter with naught but the words to survive and come baq smart, i might be a nasty lil bitch and rub wat lil i have in all of ur faces (wank wank) haha while i still can

i am on holiday rite now and havin da time of my life goin out and partyin every night of da fuckin week.. a few bags and bits of tin foil later.. the world is at peace and alcohol is flowin and i am happy with myself (wank wank)

ive jus realised dat if im lucky and well if i wanted to ill be completely done with education in three years, and be able to say that comin here did actualli serve a purpose and now i have a degree as compared to wastin my ass away doin things which right now compared to wat im doin seems horribly cynical and i dunno sad.
dunt get me wrong i love doin all of that i love goin into class and sittin dere blindly jottin down everythin da teacher says and den givin up halfway and jus fallin asleep/skip class/be entertained by a whole of afgans and a russian guy.
miss school.
but then again i love wat im doin now. i love bein in uni.

i just hate everythin else bout it. and even then its things everyone can relate to like havin to get up in da mornin and deadlines and not enuff coffee and da lectures still tokin and gettin locked outta lectures

"i dunt pay $4000 a yr to...."

u get it.

yea so yea bin goin out alot drivin round playin pool havin drinks and cake and waking up late buzzin out. and (wank wank)

haha okay tell me wen dat gets annoyin.
so yea well dat was my fun.

oh and anyone in school of any kind dat doesnt agree with me on anything i said up dere.. well i didnt mean a word of it . honest .

oh and if u wanna see a good music vidoe go and illegally download prison sex by tool
love it.

oh and (dejavu) if rayden happens to be readin dis.. uhh well u owe me big time.. i hate u *glares and gives witherin look* u better call me or.. or.. i dunno ill think of sumthin. and i wont get u a skyline! hah so there.

jake still hasnt given me measurements *narrows eyes*

dat guy at da shoe place didnt fix my boots properly and now i have to bring em right baq dere*eyes are so narrowed it jus looks weird*

haha fuckin half-asians aye?

im not gonna go there its too fuckin painful.
no matter whilst i still have some sanity left in me i shall do da honarable thing and bid u all goodnite. sides tom wellin and smallville calls.
yes i still watch it and dunt u dare say anythin dat is the best ever and this is wat u call devotion and the norm.. besides hes realli hot..
i mean it cud be worse i cud be watchin the OC. and we dunt wanna go there do we? (wank wank)

OH AND OMG, peter this tall blonde american i noe from the latern festival.. yea well he lived in loos angeles most of his life and he use to live like near johnny depps school. can u believe it i am so fuckin jealous its not funny.
and yea bin to like da viper room.. u noe. johnny depps CLUB.
i made his cross his heart to bring me there.. he said he wud yay!!! fuck vanessa paradis and deir half fugly children...

and why dunt u burn in hell! -family guy
its all fresh in my mind watched some with peter and tiara.love it.

who da hell do u think you are..?
anyway love u all smooches and hugs and all dat
now bite me.

(wank wank)

i wont say anythin at all

2005-04-15T16:48:00.000+08:00

i give up.

total inebriation

2005-03-26T16:49:00.000+08:00

lose all inhibitions.
dats me..lol

i am not a fuckin happy fuckin camper.
in factim reali pissed off at da moment.

see this is exactly fuckin why i dunt open my big trap. this is why ni dunt let ppl in and i keep my own. i mean fuckin what?
i hate havin ppl judgin me not only dat but judgin me and comin up with a bad tab. i mean i can not care but i do and den ill think why da fuck do i justify myself why shud i feel bad for sumthin dats beyond my control why shud i let ppls shit get me down i mean so wat fuck if were different. so nuthin. ppl change get da fuck over it.

I HATE DAT GODDAMMED FUCKIN LINE I HATE IT I HATE IT.
IF ANYONE FUCKIN USES IT ON ME AGAIN ILL SCREAM.

who gives a shit anyway i think dat if u noe me u noe me and if i surprise u u dunt noe everythin u thought u did noe bout me and if deres nuthin u think u dunt need to noe bout me well den deres actualli alot u dunt noe bout me. i think dat alot of ppl noe but but dunt noe me besides how do u noe its all not a show. xactly u dunt. wat u will noe to know me is the little things dat are jus wat im about. i personally dunt care but den again i do i do wen i shudent and dats wat makes me hate myself. like its not like its me alone and its not like it me not being me when i do what i do. its still me and wat u can accept is wat is real.

i mean how u can define a person and how can u stereotype sumthin dat is so individual and so temporary i mean deres a million ways dat life ca work out for everyone and a million and one ways it can change depending on the decisions other ppl make. the whole butterfly effect thingy so who are u to say who we are to be.
i mean jus think about it everything is connected and some ppl call this god.
and some ppl call this fate and some ppl jus say fuck it dere no point in regrettin anythin.

but it doesnt matter does it. and i try to get ppl to understand but so far its bin tricky. i think dat dey can try to understand or they can not try and if dey dunt try den deres no point. and i think i dunt regret nuthin. so deres no point.

fuck this i think ive made my point somewhere in all of dat.. see if u can find it.
lol
now excuse me im goin outside to speed up the prcess of my death by smoking a box of cigarettes. wat a way to die. constantine anyone?

Blood and Honour
My Honour is Loyalty
Perfect by Nature

flipside baby..

...

2005-03-24T13:57:00.000+08:00

im walkin my beat friend.
Auckland is my beat.
And im walkin it.....

cant sleep these days fuckin insomniac cant eat either. dunt feel hungry no more.
into skool.
out of skool.
go home. try to sleep. cant sleep. lie there for hours.

yesterday i got smart.
went to da playstation.
played wwe till my eyes almost rolled in to da baq of my skull
twas good.went baq to bed.

not so good all i cud see were big guys shoke slammin each other.

goin crazy
goin fuckin insane.
i dunt get it.
wont get it.
never will.

i told u del i told u once i told u a million fuckin times... dere are jus sumthings dat u dunt do.
a few things dat u shuld not walk into with ur eyes shut..
see but u dunt listen to me do u?
huh?
no u wanna do things ur way.
congrats

jus tokin to michael
ummm.. yea interestin.
nobody is sayin anythin productive. its rainin.
and im done.
so u can jus fuckin eat me rite now.

feeling eff-y??

2005-03-17T12:01:00.000+08:00

skool skool skool..
dats all i can get my head round rite now..
so much godddammed fuckin work to do..
the greatest part is it all has to look shit perfect.

i mean seriously.
if u cut the skirt like 2mm outta line u hafta

start again.

so i did dat damn skirt again

and again

and again

and again.

fuck same with da machine work. i never knew how hard it is to do fuckin curves on a macine.esp if u gotta get it perfect.

(which u do)
and it is seriously drivin me insane like u have no fuckin clue like insane in-sane.

in-fuckin-sane.
i am goin goddammed fuckin shit-faced crazy
i think u can tell.
or can u?
but on the other hand its great i mean at least i wanna listen cos they tok bout stuff im interested in i mean i love its jus realli killin me at da moment.. and ill get so tired esp after da long days so im jus like dead by da time i get baq im seriously almost limp.
yea but i love it i mean dunt get me wrong i love it to bits... jus hafta get more into it. cos weve jsu started so were not doin much..

part from dat uhh?
well found a job not exactly sure whether i got it but yea im pretty sure ill do okay.. and dat means muny.. another frend of mine. bin runnin round alot today so much fuckin things to do.. gettin everythin set up at home and shit like dat.makin itall wok but it doesnt wanna so we still have no internet, no phones... shit like dat. drivin me nuts.
and i still need to get still need to get stuff for skool so ive bin runnin in and outta class and da shops getin this and gettin dat and now my legs are killin me.

and another thing ive jus recently lost all my appetitelike i mean i wont eat till like 2 during break in class and den ill get like coffee and a cookie and ill eat half of it and ill jus feel sick and throw it away. wat a fuckin waste huh?
dunno why and den ill get home and eay like half of dinner and jus be like "nahp..cant do it"

yea im runnin on like super-speed mode like im all hyper i think its da coffee and da rushin round im not realli sure.. but yea so im like talkin real fast not dat its a bad thing cos ill jus say real stupid things but apparently ppl remember me cos of dat..
like today i went to get my txtbook and da lady was like u hafta put ur name down cos we prioritize and i was jus like ra ra ra u remember me i came in here on friday and said ra ra ra and i was complainin bout the shit we had to buy and ra ra ra and den i said dat id better be a fuckin good fashion designer cos if not its a waste and she was jus like

uhhh........
right. i remember u. heres ur book. ill make an exception.now go away.

score. =)

but yea and things have bin goin pretty weird lately. i dunno not sure wats up but i wont feel settled until sumthin is done. i cant do this whole in between thing i hate it. and i jus feel so fucked up bout my mom and shit and all the things dat are supposed to be finished but u noe havent even started yet..

jus wanna scream.
was swearin jus now a lot and some lady gave me the dirtiest look. i was jus like sorry so sorry.
she had a lil toddler with her so i guess i can understand dat it wud be pretty fuckin funny if dat lil kids were to remember dat not dat it wud jus if it did it wud be pretty fuckin hilarious.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

i hate not bein in touch its horrible.. busy busy busy.. gotta meet dat old perv on sat i think hes gonna bring us to da fuckin beach. i dunt wanna go to no goddammed beach but it wud be not very nice to say no esp since we didnt go last week its only wen its da both of us dat he brings us out to fancy restaurants wen my moms here hes jus like screw dat. i can jus imagine be fuckin bored to the fuckin bone havin to sit dere and smile and fuckin play with his sadistic shit faced kid with scary eyes and entertain her meanwhile gettin chills from he exorcist glares. and den havin to listen to his bitchy wife talk about shit like shes so fuckin above us and lookin at us like were fuckin dirt on the ground and other den dat bein totalli ignored and fuckin fucked untill were allowed to go home.

haha im jus in such a good mood arent i.
oops well i hope its not comin thru my blog entry.
__

i am such a child.
does it benefit me or anyone else? no
is it productive in any way? no
does it make me feel better? fuck yea

~~haha overdue new years resolution: stop fuckin swearing.~~

haha. love me.hate me.
???

over and outs =)

salute

2005-02-25T08:53:00.000+08:00

a uni student...
yess!
fi-fuckin-nally.
yea bin runnin bout for da whole week gettin shit ready and callin this place and dat place and sortin out this thing and dat thing. gah. bin so busy. now off to see my boyfriend but jus had to check my timetable in the meantime. so stopped here for a bit.

got into shit jus now.my mom was in a bad mood cos my sis was buggy-in her. and then in town i saw a buggy and jus whacked my mom.. yea got into quite a bit of shit. lol
funny it was.

havent seen much of jake even thou i am livin relatively close to da city.
okay maybe i have seen alright amounts of him. dunt mean im satisfied.
damn workin ppl.
speakin of which i have to get a job like realli soon.
need cash.
gonna start gettin my muny from student loans in march. cant wait that long.
$150
not dat it gonna make much of a diff to da size of my wallet.
so yea i need to get a job. but i guess ill wait till all our stuff comes in. which shud be hopefully soon.
right now ill jus slack i guess..
turns out i dutn haf skool on monday jus on tuesday. and dat s it for da whole damn week i mean fuckin hell and i thought uni was al bout rushin .
scrap dat idea.

but yea i guess it will fill out i jus hope its not like dat cos of a techie, cos if it is it means id have less cances to wagg. since u hafta turn up or u jus fail.

gawd wat da fuck am i on about.
oh yea and im back to marlboro reds.
damn no more nice sam fags.
this sucks.

at least no one will be able to diss my menthol cigs no more.
fuck yall
ill come baq i promise.
but right now im on a mission.

gotta fly.

baq for a bit

2005-02-16T17:09:00.000+08:00

decided to change the old layout this one is a side to side scrolled one..
pretty neat.
very nice
tks to the dude for this one.
my man.

jus doin a short one again i noe.
uhh still stuck in this place where i am slowly losing my mind.
surrounded by kids and an old fat malay lady who thinks she can fuck round with me and make me do wat she wants and were almost 4 hrs away frm da city by bus.. out here in da country. dere is a sheep livin next door. realli.
and im bein eaten alive. and i cant get away from my family not dat i hate them so its jus im not use to seein their faces 24-7 its like how it was with me and tiara wen we first were livin by ourselves together.
yea good news we found a place to rent and were movin in on friday.
it a cute place. called da rocks.
close to town and all and to another shoppin mall not in town and its got polished floors and it use to have rage against the machines posters all over the walls and guitar strewn around da place. its got good fuckin karma id say..
yeyer

ive gotten stoned twice already in the time weve bin baq... at times i least expected which was great.
and da lady of the house deccided she doesnt realli wanna mess with me after i gave her a hell alot of shit one day in da car cos she was bein a total cunt to me. so i gave her some drips baq and shes softened down.
hate her.

and lastly i had the best valentines day ive had for a while. thank you hunny. it was great yea i actualli got allowed to leave this fuckin hoary madhouse. and got to go to Jake's place. the best time i had there.. even jus bein like around civilisation was well worth da time i took to get there fuckin 3.5 hrs.
but yer it was great and i think i shud thank my mom as well for actualli lettin me stay there
but yea it was great.
love you jake.

anyway goin out to watch vin diesel. xxx. tks to tim for da cd.
happy belated valentines day all. cept for the dude cos he didnt have a good one.
lol

madness resumes

2005-01-25T13:05:00.000+08:00

okay jus a quickie..

works goin well hada real good day yesterday and made heaps not nuff thou.. damn was packin till like an ungodly hour in the morn.
still dunt haf confirmed flights and i have the rest of my time here fully booked neck-tight, need to fufill obligations to old family frens and wat not.. and movin to da new place (da reason were packin so early on)

fuck this still need to go shoppin and all dunno whether ill have time not like i havmuny but we are gettin a sponsored shoppin spree courtesy of my godmom.. not dat ill get alot ill feel so bad if i do.

and theres bin this big mess with my exam results cos da marker was absent or sumthin like dat so my english marks have jus come up as absent.. spent a fortune in calls to nz tryin to fix it but it doesnt seem to be goin well.
and if im realli unlucky and im stuck den datll mean i cant get into uni... and dat is jus so screwed its not funny.. but i shud be ble to work sumthin out rite?
i mean i cant be dat unlucky... dat suay... rite?

so far its not lookin good. but im jus gonna hope for te best.
*scrunches eyes*

damn not workin.. but i shud be able to get round it i mean its obvious dat i can speak english okay okay la wat?

see wat i did dere.

.........silence.......
yea i noe no time for humour.
tiaras part is in a few days gonna get completely wasted.. well ill try not to i dunt wanna wake up shit-faced and pukin my guts out but we might have more den jus alcohol dere if im lucky but it didnt happen at da last party so ill jus shut it for now.

gotta go earn summore.. and have a shit time worryin.
love u jake.
tnx for da blogskin ej ill put it on as soonas i get baq to a com were im not like in a rush..
lovies

all over again

2005-01-09T23:48:00.001+08:00

yup. here goes round two.
got a new job and im startin tomorrow.
great. but this seems better over are the days of lickin peoples feet and kissin their asses.
and tomorrow days of threatening and exploitin people begins.
risky thou but hell im ready to live with anythin.
tiara gets a better deal i think i mean she hs nuthin to loose and she already got a good sign jus now.
me?
im not so sure but im givin up dat stupid fuckin job watever it takes

went out with tiara to woodlands jus now to get briefed on how da job goes and wat we hafta do and all. went for a trial thingy at one of the block and we made 96 dollars at one house
*zooms out to show the millions of 12 storey flats with about 7 houses on each floor*

hafta sort out subway first i guess. but itll be cool at least ill be workin with frens rite?
rayden and me will be goin together tomorrow and tiara will be goin with khidir..

yea after da briefin we went to tow and played a bit of pool and went fr dinner and den we went sorta shoppin in zara cos i needed to get a white top for work tomorrow.
damn rayden. he friggin pinched my nose.. like he always does and now its bruised.. its all red and funny lookin.
thank god for make-up.. ill hafta hide my face till it heals.. looks so funny. ill kill him.
after i saw it in da mirror i was jus like u arse!!! and started bitch-slappin him.
funny funny.. but it was fun today and rayden and tiara get on and she thinks khid is a bit quiet but he always is until u get to noe him better.

our parents were bein bitches about da whole idea thou dey were jus like oh no i dunt like da idea. and finally our dad accepts it but our mom is jus like goin mental completely mental. so were jus like yea well if we lose out itll be our fault and u can laugh in our faces okay??

bored at home.
tiara is downloadin garden state.
watchin loads of family guy.
stayin up late.
gettin up early.
back and forth cross da island.
sweaty body.
walkin down stairs.
lang hair.
stubby nails.
sneezing.
warm starless nights.
disappearin money.
white tops.
panic attackes.
missing jake.
security codes.
uncertainties.
worries.

and

slip-on shoes.

a-fuckin-mazing...

love u hunny.

to da rest of you; va chier..

Je m'en branle

the implications of an understatement

2005-01-08T23:58:00.000+08:00

Tiara apparently had a dream about me. she dreamt i had cancer.. and that i was pregnant but da baby got aborted. the baby was real cute she says and den almist as an afterthought add ins
"..except that it was in pieces"
Great.
i feel empowered now
what da hell do u say to sumthin like dat
Thanks.

When it rains it pours and opens doors
And floods the floors we thought would always keep us safe and dry
And in the midst of sailing ships we sink our lips into the ones we love
That have to say goodbye

And as I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that won't seem to let me go

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

And every word I didn't say caught up in some busy day
And every dance on the kitchen floor we didn't have before
And every sunset that we'll miss I'll wrap them all up in a kiss
Pick you up in all of this when I sail away

And while I float along this ocean
I can feel you like a notion that I hope will never leave

Cause when I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way

Whether I am up or down or in or out or just plane overhead
Instead it just feels like it's impossible to fly
But with you I can spread my wings to see me over everything that life may send me
When I am hoping it won't pass me by

And when I feel like there is no one that will ever know me
there you are to show me

When I look to the sky something tells me you're here with me
And you make everything alright
And when I feel like I'm lost something tells me you're here with me
And I can always find my way when you are here

When i Look to the Sky - Train

... and more... IHN-TINS-SIH-TEE .

2005-01-08T01:57:00.000+08:00

lost in translation. love da movie. jsu gonna pop down to 7-11 and get some shit and then im up for 2 movies.. the experiment. german movie bout a prison trial thingy and elephant man [david lynch honey!!]

lol
dat guy is da man!

haha yea jus got baq from work and payday was a big flop.. as i thought.
it always is in singapore.
haf no idea why but yea.
damn this shit sucks..

yea but raden wants me to work with him/for him and he gets shitloads.. so hopefully i can too. wait maybe i shudent hope to much.
expect nuthin is my new ressie for new years i guess.
hafta be confident and shit thou.
cos wat hes doin is mostly commissioned based so its sorta a risky thing but at this point of time i guess im ready to try anythin.
[no im not gonna hit da streets.]
im not dat desperate.

decided i shud listen to jake and not give a fuck bout my parents. tryin to care bout everyone and everythin is jus drivin me nuts. and i am pretty much there already.

love u jake.
thanks for da comments makes me feel so much better. esp since half da time wen im bloggin i feel like im jus rambling on to nuthin. i will still kill u wen i get baq thou even more now that u told me how much ur gettin. but i love you.
nuthin is confirmed thou for like dates and shit and everythin is goin soon so well haf nuthin here which is startin to piss me..
oh and da house thingy.. its great huh? deres a catch.
its not in town its near selwyn but its 150 together not each so dats cool too.
dunno whether dere are still dat many places left but i think dere are.

cool huh?
but no druggin my bro. only im allowed to do dat =P

lol its so annoyin cs my dads company is makin everythin difficult for us. like they arent givin us the go ahead so we cant get dates or anythin which sucks and whcih also means well be living in shitty conditions for a non-confirmed amount of time and i hate wen things arent organised in dat sense wen i cant plan anythin out cos everythins not confirmed cos dey norm dunt happen. well i noe dis will happen but im jus afraid it wont happen fast enuff.
and chinese new year is comin soo which means flights will be real full which doesnt help at all and which means dat we might end up havin to leave after its over which will be like mid-feb which sucks.

wondering wat im doin here..
like wats da point of bein here wen like all i do is work and wen im not workin im jus too tired to do anythin else and i feel so damn lethargic so i dunt feel like makin any plans if it means i hafta travel for more den friggin 20 mins or sumthin
its not easy as well cos its not like im seein frens cos their busy with work and skool and so am i which means we hafta work around schedules. and ppl dunt seem to contact me unless i contact dem first save a few cos they think im busy and all and den i jus feel like ill be runnin into their time and itll be a half hearted thing and their movin on with their lives and so am i and its not like we can discuss wats goin on cos we havent seen each other or anythin. yea and i dunt feel like goin outta my way to go see a few of em and some of them cant meet me unless i do and i dunt haf muny so i jus feel like hidin away and its not like im gettin any support of any kind from my parents.
and my sis is drivin me up da wall cos shes da onli person can tok to bout shit dat i can actualli talk to as in have a conversation with[jake as well but hes in new zealand nd busy 80% of da time and my fone is not workin no more]. not like me tokin and explainin and them listenin and tryin to get it. and i cant tok to my parents cos dey jsu get defensive and start feelin all bad and i feel sick of tryin to think about their feelins and not bring up anythin dat will realli burn and at da same time feel all ungrateful and unconsiderate and yea.
but den tokin to my sis. she has da same complaints and we both get how frustrated each other feels but deres nuthin either of us can do so we jus get each other worked up and all and we discuss and discuss but we cant do anythin so it doesnt help.
yea i think shes baq to bein da voice inside my head...

damn this i shall stop thinkin bout it.

next week will be better ~~i hope~~
called jake jus now and he was like "u okay"
im jus like "wel sorta"

i cud be baq and gettin things ready and makin good muny and no im not ungrateful for bein here it jus doesnt seem da best for like my last visit here.

fuck this.

on a different note[i blame tiara for all dat up dere. tokin to hereonda 7-11 trip jus got me all started again] a guy at work keeps hittin on me and accordin to my manager alot of the guys are hittin on me..
she was like "all these guys wat.. mark and jai and rafi especially are all hittin on this one.."
i was jus like uhhh...
i mean wat do u say to dat.
but yea da guys aiight part from da fact dat hes hittin on me.. im jus like yeai have a boyfriend and hes wonderin why da hell arent i cheatin on him cos like hes dere and im all da wayy here.. and im young and hes cheatin on his girlfriend so in his mind its alright..
im jus like yea well i love my boyfriend so jus drop it.

so he goes and sulks.
weird

hopin for a better day tomorrow.. if nuthin ill get some sleep.

oh and da one highlight of da day.
this gurl whose a regular at da store [da type dat always gets da same thing everyday such dat she jus has to show up and well make her sandwich] yea she jus got baq from a holiday in da middle east and she jus walked in today and gave me and this other gurl who always talk to her a lil gold ornament- sort thing
so adorable.
mine was a cat like a spinx im guessin and hwee ling got a camel. and it was so pretty and i was jus so touched.. so sweet.
nevermind da fact dat i love cats to bits..

made me feel so good.
very cool of her.
shes so sweet as well..

yea i feel better and now off to watch movies..

catcha

love u hunny.

for da last time, its not a friggin platypus~

2005-01-06T23:18:00.000+08:00

i hate my mom.
and my maid.

THEY WASHED MY DUCK!!

ill friggin kill dem i dunt care whodunnit. they were in it together da both of them.
a big conspiracy.

and...and.. now my duck doesnt smell of jake no more.. no more armani. and its yellow again! its horrible.
should have left it with jake.
*wails*
their so damned lucky its still as soft as ever if not.. i wud have actualli tortured dem before i kill them..
i hate them.

guess wat???
tomolo is pay day.. yay!
wanna get my hair done.. like highlighted again.
wat do u think hunny?
want my blue bits baq?
but i dunno noe since my mom wants more of my money. wants me to help out and deir gettin pissed cos my sis still doesnt have a job and it doesnt look like shes gonna get one either.
so yea my dad was all like oh i dunt want delima to feel guilty bout not givin us every last cent cos its not like her sisters chippin in..
and then...
then i jus felt so guilty bout not pouncing on a chance to help out.
still mixed.
dunno wat i want.
ill figure sumthin out.

freakin out at my results. comin soon and i wont haf internet wen it does come so i wont be able to check it. so afraid ill haf shit marks and wont be able to get in. its not like ive even got an alternative plan. dammit!
okay okay i noe it sounds weird to be freakin out but i am. cos i have this horrible feeling dat i did shitly..
may be its jus da singaporean-ness comin thru.
but yea im slightly on edge.

bout 3 weeks till were goin baq.. still dunt haf a confirmed date. or flight. or anythin.
but dats wat im supposed to tell everyone. fuckin count down it is i swear.

cant wait to see jake. miss u hunny.

i wanna get my drivers next year. just in case me and jake arent in da city. if its jus me and him flattin. dunno i dunt realli wanna think bout it now wait till i get baq and i can actualli work things out with info right in front of me.
but yea my mom keeps threatenin to go to sydney. im like go if u want i realli dunt care. i dunt care where she lives she can be on mars for all i care its jus slightly selfish cos itll mean that itll cost more to visit and blah blah. but if she does well have a place here with all our shit in it. and jus us livin. which will be cool.
jus thinkin dat if she does come to nz im gonna hafta be real patient.
cos da prob is me and my mom are so alike. we both have the same sorta temper.. well almost da same. ive got a bit of my dad thank god. but it means dat wen we get into arguments it will go on for hours cos we both act sorta inda same way. sucks. but as long as i dunt see her dat mcuh and i keep my bro outta her hair she shud be aiight.
tiara can help with all da admin shit.

so hunny.. u up to bringin my bro out every now and then?*big hopeful glance*
lol
sigh
itll be okay i keep tellin everyone. i think it will eventualy. i mean ive done this once so i guess i can do it again. i guess.. not datll it be easy at all but it will be okay. i guess
and dunt nobody dare to think against me. cos im like very close to changin my mind. so dunt oppose wat i say.
ill kill u if u do.

kinda sad thou dat we wont be livin in grafton no more cos minus da horrible horrible ppl.. like lets say we stab and bury them, itd be great dat place was central and it was like in between new market and town which is cool. AnD we had dis big friggin huge park in da middle. which is a nice place to go to now and then. esp for walk taking and all.
very nice.
havent bin eating properly. fuck dat im eating healthy i mean i do have one subway sandwich a day if nuthin else so dat counts for sumthin.

okay my mind is a mess. which i thinks shows cos all my thought are jus all jumbled with no link-up whatsoever.
jus cant wait to get paid tomorrow. and i hope to god i get wat im expectin cos itll suck otherwise.. like wat happened last year. wen i was workin in raffles city. dat was so shit.
i thought i wud get like friggin 300 and i only got like a goddammed$150.
but i think ill get $527 or a bit more.
pathetic huh?

anyway im gonna get some shut eye so i can fuckin stop thinkin cos its drivin me mad.

and jake. i noe where we can stay jus da two of us in a ground house for like $160 a week. dats better if liam changes his mind. and i think dat ej is happy where he is so lets not bother him huh?
right right?
*smile*
ur an arsehole u noe. im so gonna make u pay once get back. not onli for all this but for bein so goddammed cute. lol
love u.

outs~

the non-existant life of [insert ur name here]

2005-01-06T01:36:00.000+08:00

haha i lovers u jake..
crazy crazy day. if im tokin in one line sentences dat dunt realli make sense with loadsa spellin mistakes its not my fault.
im am super hyped on coffee..
so much so its not funny.

okay i shall stop annoyin myself. but i had like four mega-huge cups of coffee at work at now im all jumpy.. cant be cos i need to go to bed soon.. but ill stay up for a bit to watch family guy.
had a crazy day at work.. runnin in and out. and i think ill be workin double again tomolo cos da team leader has said she is gonna take an mc leave tomolo.
damn her..
which means ill be doin closin
AGAIN

but i pity her.. poor fuck started cryin today dunno wats wrong but yea.. poor thing so because im such a darl ill do dis for her..

"del.. would u be a dolll..."
-Raden and now Eddy.

so another hellish day awaits.
this is so sad. im workin and i havent bin out yet cos i dunt have muny and im still waitin to get my muny and then ill still be workin for next month which means i wont have time to go out and spend muny and nexts months muny i will not see cos ill hafta put it aside for da month after dat wen well be in auckland.. and ill be basically supportin my whole family.
damn this..nevermind if im savin up for like flattin. but this is goin to everybody else..
not dat im complainin. i dunt mind i dunt mind helpin out its jus a bitch havin to work and not reap da fruits of my labour *waggles fingers in air in "" marks* so say-so say
its okay its okay. i keep sayin that to myself. but shes gonna take our monthly govt muny from skool as well.
SiGh~ the things i do for my family.
[cheh cheh wah]

yea jake txted me today at a particular busy time at work wen i was findin it realli painful to smile in fear dat my face wud crack.
and i saw da message i was jus like
"dtho sweet.."
den i was all bouncy and happy.. grinnin to myself.
so dat all my colleages looked at me afraid dat i had completely lost it.
trust my boyfriend.
love u huny..esp for makin me feel better jus now.
da smile managed to keep up for about two hours and then it was jus sortat stuck on. in like a realli cramped sorta way. so damn fake but i cudent help it. so tired.

and now i have this knot in my baq its realli weird cos like everytime i lifted sumthin heavy or moved in a weird way. i cud feel like my bone movin over this like real hard lump it was slightly scary.. very cool it a sick sorta queer way..
but yea i shall stop complainin even thou me bein me- i always do.. lol its bin fun workin da ppl dere are cool and its sumthin to do and its alright muny.
i jus get tired.

"hunnny i want back massage."

and im pretty estatic cos im pretty sure were gettin paid on friday.. YAY!
*loud whoops and war cries*
muny... haha shoppin!!!...
cant fuckin wait.. and then our godmother is gonna give us shoppin muny too.. i think i hope. dunt noe how much but yea anythins g by me at dis stage..
lol

ooh ooh and lastly.. EJ!!! whever u are out there in cyber-insomniac-land im gonna kill u!!!!

"mummy.. im on da first step. im going to ~~crill~~ kill you.."

thou i love ur skill and all and da faq dat ur a whizz at photoshop.. i still hate u for puttin up a pic of me on tiaras blog. i hate my face. i look like shit.
i noe i noe so whats new huh?
even thou its a realli cool photo.. if it wasnt me of course.
lol
*sulks*
so touched mentioned me and tiara so many times on ur blog? misss us huh?
*big grin and huggies*
8)

well im off to dreamland. bin havin da weirdest dreams lately... crazy i shall not go into detail. and i shall wake up refreshed[somewhat] and ready[somewhat] for another hard day at work..

my internet is gettin killed in a few days.. *sobs sobs* which is why im goin insane and updatin every nite.
me= no-life loser
for now..
yups its gettin cut so hopefully well be able to steal cable from our neighbours.. unlikely thou. and my fone house fone. its already bin cut.
what can i say im jus havin a blast of a time. *pathetic smile*
and da next few months will be evn greater [ i think tiara get what i mean here.. huh?]
*big thumbs-up and commercial smile*

but realli i guess its not so bad. i shall be happy and content and fuck da rest of it

"how many times have i told u del? u cant solve all ur problems by fuckin ppl.."
-Liam

thats it ill stop stealin ppls quotes and go to bed.
thou i did modify da title so its not copyright [so say-so say]
miss jake. alot. still dunt noe wen im comin baq
love u hunny.

my mom does voodoo.

2005-01-04T22:07:00.000+08:00

haha got baq not long ago. had a wayy better day today.

WAYY better

i woke at like 10 decided fuck dat i cant work today i jus cant. so i called a sickie and collapsed baq into bed till a reasonable hour in da day ie. 2pm. felt slightly piggish. dunno how jake is gonna live with me. lol.

so yea den went into work for a bit.. got called in and had to come down cos dey thought daz other guy was sick but it turned out he was only an hour fuckin late. no matter. i call raden and we meet up.

apparently hes real happy cos he jus got da new ps2 console.. for
*drum roll please*
$500 fuckin bucks.

i was jus like "shame."
went baq to woodlands to play pool and i am hit by a swarm of kids in uniform.

"apa mau pakai uniform!"
haha said hi to a few juniors who were dere. surprised dey still remember me. lol den went to play pool[as usual wen im with dem] was feelin pretty tired by then
BUT
i still managed to beat dem at pool beat raden twice, beat razie once..
i was jus like "yea!! im da man~"
maybe it was da top.
raden gave me shit bout my jeans. he was like "deir ur sisters rite??"
i was like "fuck no!"
he didnt wanna believe me so i was like
"da jeans were bought in malaysia.. now u believe deir mine??"

anyone who noes me and him will get it. fuck dat he jus burst out laughin and was like "okay okay now i believe u..."
and of course bein raden he didnt let me forget it for da rest of da day.
so much for his'bein nice' resolution..
went home not long after and jus gonna go watch scary movies now..
lol
with my maid cos i dunt wanna watch it alone
*glances around*
im NOT afraid
its jus i like company and no one else dares watch it

and no its not bout gurls with long hair dat can shriek.

ooh and my mom..? yea she is a weird one.
she jus suddenly told us that shes gonna put a bit of yellow string inside da sugar bowl so we shudent take it out if we see it.
she then takes out this realli creepy lookin piece of yellow string from a lil plastic bag

me and my dad are jus lookin at each other thinkin weve lost her to da fairies

"but mummy wat is it for?"
its for ur brother..
????
its to make all of u listen to me.
[-insert manical laugh and lightning here-]

my dad: "well i actualli think a lil computer chip in da back of their heads work better"
me: "daddddy.. mummy's doin voodoo. she thinks she can control faisal by putting string in da sugar. ooh im shaking.. i darent not listen to you now. i mean wat is that evil cursed yellow string gonna do to me if i dunt?"

my mum gives me da shuttup glare and proceeds, cradling da sting like its a lifeline, to go downstairs and put it in da friggin sugar bowl.

talk bout my family. weird bunch of freakpots we all are.
i look at my dad again and im jus like "crazy asians and their crazy superstitious ideas huh?"
hes like "tell me bout it! i married her and ended up with u lot.."

thanks alot dad. dats not how i played da conversation out to be.

so yea i shall avoid da sugar bowl and its noose-shaped-scary-lookin-mind-controllin-yellow-stringed contents.

shit i want milo. well im off to make myself a cup. if i dunt blog.. well jake i love u. and i dunt have muny so no one gets nuthin.. and call da cops and tell dem my mom tried to kill me.

LOL
noob~

stranger things have happened?

2005-01-03T23:32:00.000+08:00

its amazing im still up and sorta functionin.
truly amazing.

havent bin to sleep since yester day.. almost da day before actualli lookin at da time.

bin workin and on my feet since 12 to 11 straight.

and now im helpin my mom work this screwy internet telephone thingy cos she understands fuck-all bout it and she thinks dat i have heaps of time on my hands to spend hours messin around with it and gettin myself worked up.

"okay, calm down relax and start breathin"

i have no idea why i jus keep quotin eminem all of da sudden. strange. yea im jus bein a pissy lil bitch. wat can i say i havent had da best of days.. no it wasnt horrible or anythin its jus dat i was so tired.. and now im cranky like da other nite wen i fell asleep and tim woke me up so i cud go to bed. i had like the blackkest face on.

i have dat face on again. still tryin to get this incompetent site to work to my commands.. but it doesnt seem to like me.
damn this.
i jus cancelled da fuckin page. made me feel so much better.
yea so anyway bin exhausted with work. was reasonably busy today and yea dere was this whole cock-up with da oven thingy. it jus suddenly decides to go loco on us and turns itself off. so me and reen panic cos were halfway thru baking sumthin and so we call da owner and hes tryin to give us directins over dafone.. which we try to follow.. all while at da same time servin customers. smiling. cleaning up da place. puttin on gloves. changing cambros.
da madness. we were in hysterical laughter by da end of it. and den da owners like okay ill come down.

we are jus like shit cos da place is in a friggin mess and were not done with all da stuff were supposed to be done with.. so hurry hurry rush rush.. and we manage to finish jus about as da manager walks in.talk bout efficient.
and he goes to the bloody oven flips a switch. and presto, da damn thing is up and running again
fuckin racist oven it is..
but it was funny in a die, die sorta way.

workin again tomorrow. dunnnoe wat i want to happen. cos i hope rafi is fine so i dunt hafta stay baq but den again i hope he is sick cos i wudent mind da extra cash even thou it IS shit muny. but hey every penny counts.

miss jake.
want him with me. whether here or there or watever. im not fussy. lol

im tokin to a guy right now whose jus like "have sex with me"
and im like no its alright im happy with my boyfriend and hes like.. we shud have a test u be da judge and u shud sleep with da better man..

so funny. its like primary school all over again.
amazing..

love u jake.

gonna head off to bed cos im like fallin asleep on da computer. slurrin my typin..
tiara wants to watch some movie dat we got and go to 7-11.
im jus like fuck dat i wont even makeit dere and baq..

so im off and ill be all peaches and rainbows and blue skies tomorrow.
hey i ahve an excuse, im female..

Authentication failed my fuckin cunt.

2005-01-03T02:42:00.000+08:00

i am pushin myself over da edge. no realli im drivin myself crazy.. the things i do to provoke responses and the things i do for others.
i am gonna kill myself. or get realli high.
dammit.. u cant get high in singapore. wish i cud get some... well yea i cant wont think bout it..
but deres wayy more novelty gettin here.. cos i mean like its singapore for fucks sake.

no matter i shall get high on hairspray and deoderant and lynx *dopey smile*
"hey dude..whatever gets u off at night"

still drivin myself insane.

puh-oleasee.

found my old fone and im realli edgy bout it. cos everyone has jus bin like see.. u look for it with ur nose dunt u. i dunt fuckin appreciate any sorta bullshit like dat and i expressly say so. so i kinda blew up at my parents over dinner and told dem to go shove their hands up each others arses..[in not so many words] cos i did fuckin look for it.. all over.. even in where i found it. so i hate this so dunt anyone fuckin dare say, or suggest dat i didnt cos i will turn into a foul beast and single-handedly gang rape you.
i will actualli spew vulgarities and murder u. i have my suspicions and theories but i shall say nothin.

so dunt show me ur face with dat fuckin smug ur-an-idiot look with dat fuckin smirk.
ill cut it off i swear.
ill cut it off.

stop hitting urself. no why are u hitting urself?

*tear and trembling lips*
gah so frustrated im gonna cry.. and scream.

i am going to bed and u all can kiss my friggin ass and take da fuckin tran-scenic one way train to hell for all i care.
jus leave me and my knife and a bottle of 50% vodka alone to wallow in self-pity/self-destruction.

"im jus playin america.. u noe i love you"

wipe da board, right my wrongs im startin over.

2005-01-01T20:35:00.000+08:00

bout time too.
im in a real weird mood. tryin to get a hold of myself but its not workin. never does.

okay wait i think im scared. not sure but i think so its last year all over again.
i swear if i go thru wat i went thru last year ill scream and commit suicide.
no realli..

da first six months of last year were pure torture. things i cudent control and things happenin around me that jus... yea stayin with tiara and both of us jus gettin increasingly depresed off each other as we shared horror stories.
feelin so shit. jus thinkin bout it makes me wanna break down.
and how stuff here still affected me even though it shudent have. i hated dat. hated it more den anythin. guess i didnt realli let it show. never do with important things but..

[deep breath]

so anyway. da later half was gettin better and da last quarter has bin wonderful.
but i feel like theres no closure to last year. i dunno like this doesnt realli feeel like its a fresh page i jus feel like its another day another day in time.
not
da FIRST day of a NEW YEAR!!!*waves hands round*

it jus doesnt hit me hasnt hit me yet.

ill blame it all on last year. ill blame anythin on anythin if i can but seriously i blame one year and one day ago [exactly].. such a good year's start it was like a movie with da climax jus after da openin credits.
after dat it all went downhill.
why?
cos of such a major change
...till of course i found my footing.

so now?
major change... new year.. wait i think im seein a sorta trend here.
GAH~
didnt celebrate. not realli spent it with ppl close to me i care bout.[save jake =( ] but yea it was cool. didnt end up goin out which im not sore bout at all was worriyin bout goin out with dat crowd. jus slightly. yea and we got my bro wasted off his ass so we cud make him go to sleep real easy. and for da fun of it.

"HEY! dunt look at me like im heartless and immoral. he didnt even pass out.. besides, its not lie we havent bin feedin him alcohol and drugs since he was like 2 to try and get him to go to bed. i love him i do.. realli. im da kind sister im supposed to be.. im doin him a FAVOUR"

yea and den we ordered pizza [i swear i can benchmark my life with pizza] and da guy was like we haf a problem.
a problem u say oh horror of horrors.
"please dunt say ur closed. if ur closed i swear ill kill myself.."

[response]"uhh mam first thing i advise u please dunt kill urself we are not closed but itll take ages."

fuck dat i think, so we get pizza elsewhere..

a nice nite it was went to bed round four i think.. it was all a blur.
peaceful? hmm i guess.
good? definitely up dere.

so now wats wrong?

i have no fuckin clue.
freaked? i dunno maybe.. slightly
scared bout da future? yea

it all seems so unorganised.. and so surreal. i mean like i cant see wats goin to be happenin happen. and i hate dat i noe hardly anythin botu it. its not like i dunt want to noe. its not like im not old nuff to noe. its jus im not told. like im a kid like i cant take havin to do without or grow to accept.
so i jus wanna get away from all da confusion from all da pandemonium.
wanna go where i will be supported no matter.
where im not doubted and where ppl listen to wat i say. where.... oh fuck i dunno. big dreams?

id say. but jus cos its keepin an open mind dat doesnt mean u hafta diss it.
messy messy business. i want i want i wannnnnntt.
we hates you all..
dunt speak. jus run..

a good thing we might not be in sydney for dat long if at all.. which means ill be home faster. home bein unspecified.
i jus wanna.. i cant say no more..
dunt wanna do it but it jus gives such release. makes da anger go away makes me feel calmer.
its dat or drink myself into oblivion
or i guess become a mindless druggie
or jus kill myself

so many option so lil time.
right im babling ill shut it..

insanity takes over

2004-12-28T03:11:00.000+08:00

oh the pain.
my head.
well not realli more like my tummy.

i promise never to drink or do naughty things ever again.
tell santa ive bin good.
jus make this pain go away please..

yea i was feelin so bad on da 26th. u can imagine.it was all good i was plannin on not gettin drunk at all or anythin i was stickin to good old safe beer. i mean after all i didnt want a hangover to deal with in front of my god parents.

so beer it was. i had like 16 - 2o cans or sumthin.dats was sweet i was jus nicely tipsy and we were among da few left still awake of the 40 ppl attendin.
then this guy comes along to where we sit (goddad, godmom, tiara, me and a young couple)
nice lookin fella very obviously british and also very obviously pissed faced.
carryin wat appears to be vodka.
"come sit" we say. after all da drinks are plenty and company is good. and we have more to go round.
"oh sure thing ill jus gatecrash and sit here. wait ill be baq with sumthin"

the good man goes and gets a bottle of vodka.

[aha! vodka.. dere is a god me thinks.]

he asks to share round da vodka and da oldies say nay. but me a young reckless very very brave gurl steps forward with glass held high and starts a long unfinished tale with this drink we call vodka.
i do remember we finished da vodka.
i also remember throwin up into da sea.
i also remember a website this guy asked me to tell my goddad the next day so dey can tok business.
and i also remember him [johnny his name is] tellin me that this is special 50% vodka

sadly i didnt listen

a-fuckin-mazing.

true enuff i never realli managed to finish my tale with da vodka.
i draw blank on the last bit of the party.

no dere was no makin out or sleepin with any guy. not dis time. he was married. and like 30-sumthin.

okay summary in short we were on my godparents boat for an xmas party. which was realli 3 boats all next to each other. dere was 40 ppl and shit loads of food and even more beer. everyone started leavin at i think 11 pm. me and my goddad we da last to give in at fuckin 5 sumthin in damornin. me bein completely shitfaced. i have vague memories of gettin onto da couch on one of da boats.

what i do remember is wakin up da next mornin feel like i cud kill myself.
i never get a headache jus da worst tummy ever. trust me it is not a pretty sight.
didnt tounch breakfast except a feeble attempt at a yellow hasbrown-lookin lump which looked particularly greasy so as to not end up bein sick

i should have known better. i will always have to suffer.
tried drownin myself in da shower later.. next time ill try tomato juice.. supposed to be da best hangover cure.. with a shot of tequila if u can stomach it.. i was not da hottest thing dat mornin.
i think my first smile of the day was at like 6pm.. [i got up at bout 9 am] and my first beer was at 7[so much for not touchin alcohol in this lifetime]

i can see only one good side to this and that is my sis got more shit-faced den me. amazing and a wonderful feelin.. sorry tiara. but i hafta admit it was jus so fun to watch u wen u were pissed.. tryin to get into da boat and all.. and fallin on da floor. i shant go into detail in case she freaks but da vodka hadnt arrived den so i was jus peachy.
i remember it ALL and im gonna tell it at her weddin.

loadsa qns were goin round bout jake. dey wanted to hear more bout him den bout me. and im always willing to go on. but den tiara spoils it by drunkenly sayin dat jake looks like jack osbourne..straightened things out da next day by showin dema pic and everyone like realli everyone was like "but hes cute wat. i tot he was so bad. orite wat. quite qute." and den tiara changes her story to i first thought he looked like jack wen i first met him but not now..
my godmom seemed pretty smitten. "he looks like a guy u can trust. real nice lookin guy...."
me and tiara were twllin stories da nite before and i remember sayin what a darlin jake is. hes so sweet and all so by da next day everyone was like "chuck us a pic of u gurls boyfriends..."

so dat was xmas.da eve's party was not bad either. da punch was spiked which we werent complainin bout.
and my mom was real cool dat nite. cos i needed a fag like real bad and so i went up to her and i was like
"hey im goin out for a bit of fresh air ill be baq in a sec."
and she was jus like
"dunt lie ur goin out to smoke arent u?!"
*guilty nod*
"okay dunt go far.. hurry baq."

i was jus like Damn! not half bad.. pretty cool.
yea dat was sweet.

oh and a special tnx to tiara for my xmas pressie. i loved it. she got me a skull which i shall leave till auckland. and a pair of handcuffs.
yea. i saw dem and i was jus grinnin i was like shit... haha for da ones i managed to break.
my parents saw and dey were jus like "wt..? im not even gona ask.." after lookin at me and my sis laughin and exchangin looks..
so hilarious.

den went out for a movie after work today.. was picked up on a nice honda bike.. i want a bike now. like realli badly.
i think ive managed to coax him to lemme learn how to ride his bike. he was jus like u need to find a place where deres no cops and ill be happy to teach you..

SWEET.

movie was real cool its called london voodoo. beautiful film. loved da cinematography as i think they call it. real pretty. workin tomorrow. tryin to do a new layout for my blog.gave up tryin to explain it to others.
new years is comin soon.

god help me.

wats the use of having misletoe

2004-12-23T02:35:00.000+08:00

Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before
But you were there
So how was I to know
That this single bed
Was always meant for two
Not just anyone
It was meant for
Me and you

And now you’re half-way round the world
And I’m just a day behind
Nothing seems to fill the hole
That I have since you left my side
You'll always be my little girl
Though I can’t hold you tonight
And now your halfway round the world
And I’m just a day behind

I wake up in the night
And I turn around and find that you're not there
I just like to watch you sleep and lay by you
I love to feel you near
I think I’m going crazy
Every day confusion starts to grow
I never noticed it before
But you were there so how was I to know
That this single bed
Was always meant for two
Not just anyone
It was meant for
Me and you

ChoRuS

Lately I feel so small
Or maybe it’s just that my bed has grown
I never noticed it before
But you were there
So how was I to know

ChoRuS

miss my honey. xmas without him..sigh what id give up?
alot.
haha hope u guys like da song yup changed it again.. i know im fickle. but ive bin diggin this song for ages and it suddenly jus seems realli sorta kinda fitting.. lol. yea im bein all emo at da moment.

dat time of the month comin soon so yea. expected.
oooh an dim learnin this song and sleeping with the lights out by busted and hey jude by the beatles on the guitar..
im pretty good at the verses in hey jude already
*beams at jake*
cheh..cheh.. lol
still suck but gettin somewhere at least.
work tomorrow and watchin gilmour girls later.. but work is later so i can gewt up sorta late.. yay!
xmas comin loads to do still.. still hafta get ppl prezzies.
and goin on da boat for xmas. gonna be drinkin lots tryin not to feel... argh.
this is killin me.
nevermind next year will be cool. and interestin. flattin with (possibly) two guys...
sounds good to me.

oh and we got a new ps2 game. mum got my bro a shit lame-assed game. rather than like san andreas or like house of the living dead or watever... shame.. no matter. jake's got him a WWE game. i think those two will get on well.
as long as faisal keeps listenin but he listens to guy wen they order him round. jus not wen i do.

but anyhoos.. me and tiara got , siren another ps2 game which is like a ju-on sort game but its us made so it shud be interestin..

lol more later...
i love you jake and i miss you*kisses*
and call me tim.. IMMIDIATELY wen u get out.
ummm dat all folks.

tis da fukin season.

all by my lonesome...

2004-12-18T06:50:00.000+08:00

okay wat am i thinkin what am i even doin? its like 6:30 in the mornin and i havent bin to bed period i got like nada sleep for like the past week with i must admit the exception of yesterday which was an i-am-exhausted-call-me-a-pig-wake-me-ill-bash-you 3pm thurs to 12pm fri snooze kinda thing.

yep. bin watchin gilmour girls for the past what? 5 hrs i guess u could say?

its madness but very satisfyin. thankks tiara.. cant be lieve we went without watchin it for like 6 months.

Amazing.

completely hooked now its gettin real juicy and allits back to this and smallville bein the two programmes i wont give up.. oh and rove live..
which is this amazing and not to mention hilarious aussie talk show. the guy is genius.and cute too.. but short.
sad

like matt..

im beginnin to think its an aussie thing

bin busy lately.. work and all lots to do. gettin used to it though. cept my feet still feel like they wont stay on.. its crazy.

i was jus tinkin everyone seems to be goin on about gettin jobs and all adn how its so hard and da da da.. but like i got a job like within da first week, nay da first few days on my return. weird. not dat its anythin special.. its shit muny but enuff to last me thru. shitty thing is i only get paid at da end of da month..

sorry bout typos andall its kinda hard to type wen uve got a very giant cat on your lap demanding attention and rubbing for cuddles since he knows ive bin busy da past week..
cute darlin..

oh and thanks to fazlie for lettin me stay over da other nite its was cool.. realli cool and meetin ur family and all and ur cuz was adorable and dat is THE highest of high compliments since i generally detest kids..

bin havin weird tummy craps and jus now i felt realli sick. felt like throwin up wen i got home.. jus not into food anymore.. think i might me coming down with sumthin atop my annoyin cold.. hope not.

and i am NOT pregnant, contrayry to wat my mom thinks.
jus cos she thinks she is she wants everyone else to jump in with her.
tard..

yea ahve da next two days off so im gonna take it slow and chill for a bit.. wanna go down to marine parade and all. havent bin there in a while.. shame and i wanna change da pants so yea... still got a bit of work to do for my mom and i think im goin out with raden on sunday..
uhh..nish still wants to meet me sumtime but dat guy lives in da day. completely nocturnal.
should be meetin jon on wed or thurs next week and im gonna give fifi a call to see wassup. goin out with clara as well but not sure wen... hmm...
oh yea and a movie with my new work mates these two guys after work on monday..
phew.. xmas is on saturday and i hope im off. dunt haf anygifts cosim stone broke xcept for da donated fags. which hopefully will last da week plus till i get paid.
GAwD~
amazing how time goes..

oh yea i got it up.. a pic of my fuck-me red guitar..
check:

see h0ney.. how? not bad ah?
lol
was readin jake's blog jus now.
dat guy noes how to party i bow down to him, kissin shoes and grovellin and all. wish he wudent get fucked so often.. its hard not to worry but he didnt noe dat until now i guess. doubt hes comin here... to busy and all i suppose.. owel i wont be here technically for much longer either.. despite how long the time seems from now. knowin how time goes..i mean its all most christmas for christ sake (excuse the pun) lol but yea..

look honey bright lights..
oh and to ej.. nice hookin up.. very very suave.
and lastly to ej and jake.. see wat these asian countries come up with huh? see nz doesnt have tv's in da baq of their taxis do they..
fuckin asians huh honey? (lol dunt take offense anyone its an inside joke.. XP)

lights...

moree...

and da very cool cabs here.. talk bout pampered.

Who is your daddy? And what does he do...?

2004-12-14T23:15:00.000+08:00

The Term "Crapping" And Its Users (Read: Idiots)

To anyone with a functional eye, it should have become increasingly obvious that adolescent locals (Singapore) seem to have a penchant for using the word "crapping". As such, I would like to bring to the attention of you bumbling imbeciles that your usage of the term is painfully incorrect.

For starters, the term "crapping", of American origin (read: bastardization), means to take a dump, or in layman terms, to shit. The movement of bowels, if you will. Common examples of this horrid lingual error are, "We enjoy crapping together." and, "I love to crap." I'll be honest and blunt with you. Honest, you are wrong. Blunt, those are stupid things to say and you are all stupid people for saying them.

Also, do note that many of said offenders love to put a plural spin on the word. Example? "I love to talk craps." Hmm, how should I put this? Right. Fuck you. FUCK YOU! There is no "s" for the word "crap", be it singular or plural. You can't just throw an "s" behind every word you morons. English doesn't work that way. Of course, judging by the slew of atrocities which spew from the mouths of Singaporeans, it would be too much, naive even, to expect more.

This is just but one of many acts of verbal diarrhea committed on a daily basis by locals in an act to adopt some kind of pseudo-American persona. Seriously people, what are you thinking? Wait, let me re-phrase that. Are you even thinking? You are far from sounding American, and even farther from sounding moderately-educated. I mean, let's face it. You all definitely won't be going anywhere soon, so just give it up.

On a final note, let it be known that I laugh and spit in your faces.

Jonathan

have a nice one

...

that was brought to u courtesy of my mate Jonathan as u can see.. interestin view. personally i think for someone to completely understand all he said, without any hang-ups or to not give up after a considerable amount of time tryin, might be more likely to, if not agree, at least manage to see what hes aimin at.

if nuthin else i like his 'write-off'

movin on.. im startin work at six tomorrow, well im leavin at six and then i think tims got sumthin planned. gonna hafta work and pay off my fone bill.. now i noe wheres tim comin from with da bill and all..*hugs tim*

yea works aiight. da ppl dere are all pretty nice. went to work late and with a hangover; was still slightly pissed. wen i got up dis mornin cudent walk straight for like da first 2 mins.. but yea deres dis lil gurl whose da team leader dere.. she was trained by my moms ex-fren whose a bitchy lil shitfaced piece of work.. yea she refused to stay friends with my mom cos she got jealous wen she had to get trained up by my mom... such a child.

but anyway dis gurl is the same sort. and she thinks shes so much higher den me, tellin everyone and me wat to do. tokin to me like im a daft idiot wen shes da one screwin everythin up. cunty prick..

ill kill her.

yea but after she found out i was a shift manager.which is above her she suddenly went all sweet on me.. fuck dat and fuck her.. i was workin on da register with no trouble at all and she comes up behind me and starts pressin a whole load of buttons and messes up everythin and gets it wrong.
I
Nearly
Wrung
Her
Pudgy
Neck

grrr. so mad. i swear if she does anythin else i will actualli bring her outside and kick da livin shit outta her.
but part from dats its aiight. we have quite a few cool ppl dere but yea.. jus forgot how it is workin in subway. now i remember why i always quit after im dere for a bit.
GOD!
btu drink yesterday was cool.cant remember much now thou.
well id better hit da sack fore a repeat happens.

*kisses jake* i love u honey.lots...
miss u *whines and whines summore* but ill see u in bout a month plus at latest so yea..
and den.. =D

oh yea last thing for i go...
MY MOM THINKS SHES PREGNANT.
i think if she is im either gonna push her down stairs/kill myself/move out/kill her..
not decided yet. but realli i mean dey dare preach to us bout safe sex and all dat shit. and dey go and have a baby. how is this family supposed to look after a baby.
the thing is unwanted.
(okay im not tryin to be mean and a child-hater or anythin drastic like dat.)
but it REALL is not wanted. its unanimous.
all of us, well me tiara and my dad exclaimed at da suggestion and were like "youd better not be!!!" and my mom was like i dunt want to be.

so im prayin dat she wont be.. i mean she cant be.. HOW?? my dads like 62!! fuckin guy shud have gone for a vasectomy dammit. noooo! *curls up and starts rockin, gollum style*

"not lisstninnn.. nahhtt lissstninn.."

ejs tellin me bout his first sexual experience *makes a circling finger motion in da air*
wohoo.wohoo. go ej...
yea its real interestin so i shall leave u with da thought of dat.
our lil boys growin up.

........................................ outz ....................................................

pissy miss lil del

2004-12-12T22:54:00.000+08:00

yea fucked... hurt. fuck dat.
everyone is fucked.. well as far as i can see gonna call tim later.. both of decided we were to tired to tok yesterday.. workin tomolo..

got a guitar.. its fuck-me red..
ill haf fotos up soon.
yea so my fingertips are all hard and numb and slightly calloused.. but its cool got da whole green day song pickin and all..
and running from your dad by bowling for soup.

still all pissy. mom says itll be cool livin in sandringham. kill me...
kill me now.
oh god.. i will actualli give up free lodging and work myself a place more in town. can it get any better?

yea and i haf this funny feeling that i need to be in da centre of surrounding ppls world.
"now she realises?" u might say

but i thought it before i jus never realli got it.. i never realli thought dat itd jus be nme and dat itd be like dat.
no matter ill pick myself up. i always do. wish i cud be like dat...
dunt even try to get it cos u wont cos u cant. its all head talk.
my lil conversations bout me.
will go into more detail in a more private blog (my notebook)
fuck yall.
fuck me.

i dunno i dunno wat to think i noe im thinkin of sumthin which isnt as extreme as i think it to be and i noe dat im exaggeratin but im jus expanding on my feelings.. u noe how its done. like it all be okay in a bit.. jus takes a while.

hate havin things like dat happen to me.. had it a few times before..
lovely lovely stuff.. *grimace*
shit..
jus cuts in a bit.

should write FRAGILE in big and bold.

not like dat means nuthin to no one. argh fuck dis.
goin off.

"take ur balls outta da freezer.."

2004-12-10T18:09:00.000+08:00

i am surronded by maniacs.
tim and my bro have bin wrestlin i do believe my brother is now impotent..

so much for carryin on da family name.. no more sons in this line.. poor thing my father will be ultimately devastated. see this is wat happens wen theres more den one boy in this house..

YES TIM..
i said BOY!
yea good thing ur goin into da army.. learn howta be a man

called jake jus now. he doesnt seem to like my taste in hoodies..*sobs* either dat he jus doesnt want me to get it for him.hmmm..
watever happens...
i love u honey. loads and loads

meal for da day: coffee

2004-12-09T19:33:00.000+08:00

jus got baq.. firstly;

HAPPY BDAE RAYDEN..

poor thing. all his bdae dunt seem to turn out.. or go as planned. even this year well cept its not so drastic cos i think he made a point not to haf anythin like wat happened before happen again. shame thou. well tomolo should be good.

gonna meet ray later pass him his card and stuff. was invited out for a movie but im too broke for those kinda things.. cant wait for two weeks to be up so i can get muny. $_$. yea..

wanna get jake a realli realli cool hoodie i saw its so gorgeous its sumthin like da dragon one he already has but slightly different.. its got atticus on da front. saw another 2 which were jus as cool. one has like a picture of an anatomically correctly drawn heart with all the valves and all in red and writin down low on da baq. cant remember wat it said but dat was cool as well and deres another one with like half a gurls face and sumthin else on da other side. but dats more for me.. deir all bout 100+ but i think its worth it.. deir so pwurdy..*giggles and makes big eyes* lodsa cool shirts from bands dere as well and deres a $45 dollar atticus tank dat i wanna get. it looks so damn hot.

yea so yea i went shoppin with tim, for tim. had to get him dressed up for xmas in all new clothes*pouts* i dunt get new clothes for xmas less i buy em myself. unfair. but yea he was tryin on a shirt and while he was changin baq i picked out a shirt and shoved it at him as he came out..

so he made a u-turn and went baq in. and it looked damn good it was da right size and all but he didnt like da colour. it was black but i mean so wat i still think it wud have looked damn hot with blue jeans but i settled for da white one he got. and he got blackish jeans dat we both agreed on so dat was aiight. still gonna get a billabong t-shirt but i think he has to ketok his dad for more muny so later la.

yea and i sort of managed to get a bit of a look round and i put in a deposit for this pink jacket.. yes i noe its pink but its still pretty. tim liked it and i liked it so it was a done deal. will die fore i wear it here thou.

yeaa tomolo will prob go to da pit thingy for a bit den go clubbin for a bit den maybe go baq dere and stay out for da whole nite.. nuthin like jake gets up to.. no bar-top dancin for me.. thou i did wanna conquer da poles in cheeky but nah..
cant believe he didnt win.. and worst of all cant believe i didnt get to see him dance and take off his top to "its rainin men". dat wud haf bin classic. real classic.

nevermind ill jus hafta make him re-enact da whole thing after da champagne wen i get back.. i miss jake*whines* he was txtin me da whole of today.. so cute. anna was like "ahhh.. ur bfs so adorable.." i jus smiled. miss him loads and loads. well i will come baq in either jan or feb so yea its jus another wat? month? about.. but yea i miss sleepin next to him and snugglin up and kissin him in da mornin wen i wake up.

sorry honey, i would have given u da duck (its NOT a fuckin PLATYPUS!!) but den i wudent haf ur smell with me.. sprayed it with armani night in my fuckin 7 hr transit in melborne so at least i have sumthin to cuddle up to and it smells so good...*drool*
no surprises with scarlett johansson. i told u she was hot. can give marilyn monroe a run for her muny huh?
i love u honey *kisses nose and gives big-eyed-cutesy face*

met up with anna later today.. she got me this realli cool belt dat was da first dat looked good on me. got it as my xmas pressie *hugs* thanks sweetie.. had lunch and fags and killed my feet walkin on heels again. i shud so stop wearin heels but den again....nah!

fave shops now include:
-instant karma
-2001
-rusty

yea and sorry to say but von dutch is jus so out. no offense to anyone who owns von dutch shit. da brand is cool but it jus got soo completely overdone.everybodys sportin sumthin fron von dutch. still remember wen nobody had ever heard of such a brand and i saw it and thought it was cool and wanted to get a von dutch skirt with printings on da baq.. but wudent dream of it now.

yea gonna haf dinner in a bit but i realli dunt feel hungry so im gonna try ge away with movin food round my plate and nibblin here and dere.. jus cant look at food here recently i jus feel so sick.. i tink its da heat. it completely puts me off. sides.. im on a diet (famous last words)
so yea da onli proper thing i had today was coffee and a bit of a bk burger.

bored to death. sticky from humidity. gettin a sorta cold cos i keep sneezin round da cat which gives me a sore throat. startin work on monday.

i am now a shift manager of subway in novena.. im gettin shit pay thou.. onli like $5.50 an hour. fuck da fact dat deres no such thing as minimum wage here. damn.. honey stop smilin its not funny. its slavery..*more whining*

dunt say anythin bout my whinin. im a gurl. its allowed

i rest my fuckin case

ps// i love fuck-me red colour. and dark browns.
pps// went into a condom shop for da fun of it.. adn tim knew all da porn start in da thing. *tsk tsk tsk*

anyway outs

early mornin blues (pfft...)

2004-12-08T22:12:00.000+08:00

i changed my mind.. my boyfriend is wonderful..
lol ill forgive him for not updatin. see my generosity. lol

yea i woke up at bout 4:30 pm.. i was dyin of heat i swear.. my friggin sister(i think) turned da friggin air-con off so i had to suffer.. apparently jake had jus got out from town usin da internet and so he knew bout my late wake.. and it jus so happened wen i woke iup i thought to call him.. it was bout 9 pm dere so i thought id better get to it..

got on da fone and he was so sweet..*sighs* lucky me.. it was great dat he wasnt busy cos he normally is..

i dubb him da "alcoholic cocktail walkin bible" i swear hes like a fuckin ABC's of drinks.. rattlin on bout every single one and im jus like huh? duh.. which one is scotch? duh...

part from dat its bin quiet.very quiet.. stayed up late last nite playin need for speed *glares at jake* see i do play. jus not wen im with u guys.. dunt wanna compete..
but yea it was fucked cos i got so far budden i had to turn it off and go to bed.. and (wait for it..)

I DUNT HAF A MEMORY CARD..
*sobz*

yes yes go ahead and laugh..okay shuttup u can stop laughin now..*grumbles*
bin havin horrible horrible cramps.
ugh.

got myself two job interviews tomolo. one in town and one in no0vena which is pretty much town anyway. yea and den gonna meet tim and help him go christmas clothes shoppin.

*screams and waggles fingers* SHOPPIN HUNY!!!
lol i swear if tims late im gonna personally see to it dat he can never have sex. i made him agree to meetin me at 11:30 instead of noon.. fucked if im gonna wait round doin nuthin.
den i think on fri im gonna go to khid's pit thingy.. hang round for a lil while den go clubbin with tim and his mates..
dammit thou well hafta go to boat/clarke quay.

fuckin underaged ppl
"dunt glare at me like dat im not underaged if i have id.. and at least i took da initiative to get some id. its called bein creative.."
so funny how ppl older than me cant get into clubs cos of their age wen im actualli younger den all of then and no one even batts an eyelid at me.
da life ppl.. da life.

rite now im jus realli bored ive bin feelin realli lethargic lately. dunno why i bet its dis stupid fuckin weather..
its so damn hot.
at least it was rainin today not dat dat did much help.

mu parents are not baq yet i think dey went to da cricket club for dinner. cunts.
they cud haf at least invited us.. but nooooo. losers.
my moms annoyin da FUCK outta me.. like realli. i think i may haf said sumthin like dis before but ill say it again cos its jus realli *pulls hair and screams* ugh.
fuckin tell me to come home at this time or that time..
ill kill her. she was da one to fuckin kick us outta home and send us off to some unknown contry(at da time) to study and wen we cry over da fone to her and tell her its horrible she jus says deres nuthin she can do.
and shes like "im doin dis so u all can learn how its like in da real world and how it is to be adult. and ull hafta live like adult..blah blah blah.."

and now were baq shes jus like"no u hafta come home at dis time. wat do u mean ur goin clubbin.. u cant go clubbin ur underaged. wat are u doin drinkin alcohol i dunt care dat ur at home ur underaged. so wat if ur at home if i say u cant mean u cant. why are u home so late.. wat were doin stayin out with ur frens..and why are u wearin dis sorta top.. it shows all ur boobs. iwant u to pin it up.. i dunt care that u wear tops like dat in auckland if u wear tops like dat here ur gonna get into trouble..yes i noe maybe auckland guys are more unruly den here but u dunt care wat u say.GO AND PIN IT UP.. blah blah blah"

fuck her. she cant do dat. like give us da freedom and responsibility to go live by ourselves in a totalli different country and den suddenly take back all of it and expect us to do things her way..
cos its jus not gonna happen. i mean we use to go out wen we want come baq and watever and all and all we had to do was let each other know. and we still got all our work done. we still kept our house clean. and now if we dunt do things she agrees to shell fuckin nag at us and all. i noe she misses us but she jus doesnt get dat. were independant now (thanks to her) and we have our own lives dat dunt include her. and we know how to take care of ourselves livin da way we live.

she wasnt dere for us wen we got stalked. twice. or wen we were in an armed robbery or wen some dude came and felt us up. she wasnt dere wen we were so depressed,wen i was so depressed i jus wudent go out at all. wen we were so sick. wen we were cryin cos da place was so fucked up. wen we got flashed at.wen so me drunk came up to us and tried to hook up with us..

(okay i noe.. why me? it jus seems like da both of us attract dat kinda shit. even ppl who lived in auckland dere whole lives had never had dat happen to dem)

in fact she put us dere in da first place so she cant pretend all dat never happened and dat everythin is jus all peachy right now and dat she can order us around and tell us wat to and molly-coddle us like were 12. cos its not gonna happen. i noe were young but were adults now and we have learnt about da 'real world' and weve come thru. so im not gonna let her thinks its all da same. its not.. she cant tell me wat to do. she cant tell me how to live my life. and she wont. whether shes livin in auckland with us next year or in sydney or on da fuckin moon.

she can jus kiss my ass.

*gasps*okay i feel better now.. gonna go searchin for gutar tabs now.. i want a guitar. i dunt care im gonna get myself one. dunt care wat it looks like.. miss playin.

sniffly nose and sore eyes..

2004-12-07T01:29:00.000+08:00

my boyfriend hasnt txted me.. im officially pissed off.
he promised.. to busy workin i guess.

owel im aiight i guess.

ill be okay...

busy. busy.busy.

went clubbin on sat.. i outdanced tim.(so wats new?)
and i completely owned him with da ice... saw jeevan and ogy and danced with em both..
almost cudent get into da club cos tiara had no id. but we sort it out..

was supposed to go clubbin yesterday with nish but i txted him and he didnt txt baq which i think is my fault cos i didnt realise i was runnin outta credit on my fone.. and u cant text with less den 3 bucks.

hafta go check out tunnel(his club) with him real soon fore he leaves.. and coyote ugly. da music comin from dere was better den dat in cheeky's..
busy da whole week.

gonna give da guy at novena sq a call.. im not sure whether im goin out with apul tomolo or wed i think its wed.. rayden's bdae on thurs..and deres da pit thing on friday which i might pop by at and den head off to tunnel..with tim and ernest and dunno who else.

umm yea and i still hafta go help my gran clean up her new house...

ugh lots to do.. still hate jake for not txtin me...
*pouts*

no but realli, i love u huny..

need to start work and need to get muny and yea. interview will hopefully be tomolo.

arghh all da cool ppl to go clubbin with are leavin. damnn..

bored. miss my boyfriend loads.. no wat am i sayin?? im pissed at him.. noooo*wails* change my mind..

u noe wat fuck dis.

im out

kill me kill me now..

2004-11-30T09:49:00.000+08:00

okay great im in fuckin airport of melborne... jus great ill be here for seven fuckin hour... kill me please..

"...a window seat. And no PICKLES!!! God help u if i find pickles!!"

lol got sent off to da airport by a still-half-drunk bopyfriend.. went partyin yesterday he did, in a spa with lots of gurl.. what am i gonna do with dat guy?? and he still doesnt believe me wen i say hes irresistable.. lol love u huny..

god.. dey haf announcement goin off every now and den and its killin me... i swear im goin crazy.. im tryin to get to sleep and i cant deres nuthin to do... ARGHHH!!!

if i dunt turn up in singapore tomolo well at 11 pm tonite (sp time) it means i have sucessfully hanged myself in the toilets i think ill hafta use da toilet paper cos i cant find anythin else the airport now bein all BomB proof

"ooops. shit damn. i said da B-word.. u never say da B-word in airport.. deyll send u to jail.."
*mouths the word bomb*

great well ill jus kill myself but i might be in here later cos ive got nuthin better to do.. ciao

oh and by the way my home no is 64437594... for those who have asked me for it and i cudent remember it while i was chattin to u guys.. ill be dere tomolo..

HELP!

2004-11-27T17:53:00.000+08:00

thought id put it up here where its short.. lol
me and my ways..
jake got me the most gorgeous diary for xmas.. he gave it to me early cos i had da worst few day movin out of our place and all in grafton and everyone was bein a complete arsehole.

but yea jus seein him was enuff to make me feel better but den he said dat how ive had such a bad time he was gonna giev me an early present and i tot it was sumthin else jus in a borders bag but it wasnt

it was THE diary.. imagine a beautiful diary called desire and even da front is jus amazing its got all this old fashioned writing on it in gold and it locks so u open da cover and its a book called desire and its got shitloads of paper(my type of diary) and lovely drawings here and dere but on every other page its got quotes related to love and desire and passion and all dat.. so sweet and i cant believe its mine.

i said it a million times but thank you honey. i love it.. already written in it =P u know..

love my boyfriend to bits.. love how he grin and makes a face wen u say nice things bout him. so cute and how he tunes a guitar; he moves with da notes wen hes tunin it very adorable. but he doesnt noe i was watchin him wen he was doin dat.. sorry huny..cant help it. lol. love how he laughs wen i do sumthin stupid which he thinks is cute. not dat i like him laughin at me wen i do sumthin stupid which -as those who noe me wud noe- is pretty often..

gah. enuff. lovies him.

and da rest of da post is below...enjoy.

\ /
\ /
\/
haha. good, no?

lovely

2004-11-27T17:06:00.000+08:00

yea great jus great its 3 days tilll were leavin and its all jus peachy..

okay well bout other stuff did i realli want to know? huh? del u noe u hafta stop doin dat to urself its not like it makes it any better... in any way and im tokin bout all aspects. got things to say.. not dat i dunt always but yea this time its THINGS to SAY so yea..

stayin here is great for da meantime at least.. were at someone's place for da week till we leave.. and its nice to go baq. yep.

jus went to botany downs today to go look for stuff to get here things we cant get wen we get baq.. so yea went to da bling shop and i stole a 2 bracelets and a shitload of earrings.. all nice and got a scrunchie as well damn nice stuff.. but yea all above my price range so that worked..
only thing is that i didnt do to much of dat cos most shops have gotten all edgy bout ppl shopliftin and all and haf put up all these precaution thingys..
damn.

had a great time but buses and their drivers were all bein realli pissy so that was fucked.

jake's bin workin late these nites in empire(club)-sp?- so yea havent seen him its a bummer cos we so close now in da same area and all.. but yea i asked whether he cud come with us in da car to airport and sherly was fine with dat so hes in.. so sweet at friggin 5 in da morn hell hafta come. trust us. told him he didnt hafta but i wont see him for like 2 months so i guess its all good.

ooh i cant wait till i get baq.. im gonna get so fuckin wasted its not funny. too bad dey dunt haf pot dere. well im sure u cud get some but i guess its jus too bloody risky. i wud haf some forer we go but dunt haf da contacts now dat im not close to him anymore and hes gone to sydney and i dunt haf his no frm skool.
but yea party down by da beach.. esp in january.. datll be da bomb.

i chop tim as my dance partner.. haha as usual. jus like ole times...aye?

lolkinda gettin use to da layout of da blog. ta to ej for dat! still cant believe he caught me with da damn camera. i kill u boy i kill u.

yea stuff to get wen i get baq.

-post jake muruku (lol. hes in love with it)
-get a fone for raluca
-shoppin spree for me
-get a job
-SAM!!!

yea lots but i cant think of any rite now. well.

oh i have a new fave brand now. gotta say i love it so far damn la i wanted to get stuff but no muny why do i hafta be broke rite now???*whines*
love RUSTY
its a brand i think its aussie. buts it mean as. fuckin rules and i wanted to get da playboy slippers as well but was a bit too pricey. still want to get da beaded slip-ons.

decided im gonna aim to get a job at amazon wen i get baq love da stuff dey haf dere makes for good shoppin esp with it bein summer and all not dat it will be wen we get baq but hey.. u noe me....

also decided dat im gonna get shitloads of fabric and make most of my own tops cant be fucked wastin muny wen i get baq. mightas well DIY now lets jus hope i rememba all dat is needed for top-makin.

but i cant stand da fact dat ill hafta suffer thru seein all my relatives again. dunt like dem.

and itll be cool if jake comes down in jan. datll be real cool. i can do like da whole tour guide thing cept wayy cooler.lovely lovely stuff.

"hello, boyfriend."

gawd dats jake for u. =D

ohh and i saw sara's blog. fifi got prom queen! lol congrats she looked amazing.. not half surprised she got it still remember last year wen we were all speculatin and i was like sayin dat she might get it.. and she was like wat onli.. haha and sara came in pants.. nice. very one of a kind.. lol...

well im off to bed now.. poor jakes workin till six in da morn. pity...
lol see ya.

great..

2004-11-07T19:32:00.000+08:00

lovely lovely stuff.
im tokin to michael. yes michael. guy i hooked up with wen i was pissed drunk.
and yes hes still in love with me.
yup da guy who made me get dumped? yup i think were on da same track.
well hes in sydney now.. and hes still crazy as ever. but he has a gun now..

even better.

and he does wana kill himself cos he thinks dat da possibilities of him being more den a fren to me is da same as him pullin da trigger and survivin da bullet to da fuckin head.

scary part?

well hes fully capable of carryin out everythin he said he wud. i still think dat deres more to him de dat. but deres no way im gonna push further..

well exams comin*whoop-dee-fuckin-doo*
and da past few days have bin real great. cos(thanks to my lovely boyfren*kisses*......and liam.. lol) umm yea well we went out quite a bit and we saw fireworks.. as in our own fireworks dat we set off..
*sticks tongue out at sp ppl*
yea we had like 400 shots on roman candles and we went mad well da guys did and i joined in while tiara sat screamin on da sidelines. we started firin dem at each other and den liam got real smart and lit two one n each hand and aimed all at me.. but den jake came and saved me..

dat was hilarious. bin goin up to da domain recently quite alot at night.. well da weather is gettin nicer so its pretty sweet in da domain and its nice to sit and tok and all.

umm yea nuthin much part from here and dere.. bin studyin da past few days.. ad i feel like a fuckin mom with ppl walkin in and out of da house.

"do u want breakfast?"
"need these clthes washed?"
"wait ill jus take out da rubbish.."
"for fuck's sake can u fuckin not leave ur shit all over my table?!"
"so wat do u want for dinner?"

i
am
goin
crazy

esp with certain ppl.. i was seriously this close *presses thumb and index finger together* to fuckin blowin up and ranting and ravin and bitch-slappin da shit out of certain ppl.. and i cant believe weve all managed to take it for so long... i thinki spoke to damn soon.. wen i was tellin everyone da good news and feelin at peace at last. den...

i knew it was too fuckin good to be true.

*screams and pulls hair*
if only dat horrible feelin wud LEAVE AND NEVER COME BAQ..

hah.
and again.
hah!

i would be so lucky..

well had a gret nice yesterday.. stayed at jake's place and watched lost in translation.. damn cute movie.. and den jake played ps2 -grand theft auto;san andreas- till like god noes wat time in da mornin but i stayed up and watched and it was alright cos he let me take him out on a shoppin spree and we got him a new hair cut and some bling and yea den he bought dis house in a nice area. but i was completely wasted by da end of it.. think i fell asleep straight after he turned it off.. but it was nice cos he has a big bed and thou i am used to his sleepin patterns and we sleep fine on my bed.. its jus so much nicer on his..

yea umm got up.. messed round jake got on da p2 again. cycled/walked dow to mission bay, met tiara and sat on da beach for a while crapped round.. i made a lovely sandcastle.. took a few pics.. got our feel wet. had some reali drunk thai guys come up to us.. got da best ice cream in auckland went to get food at da supermarket and yea..
dats bout it covered i think.

crazy.

so much to do.

oh yea good news.. im in!!! in AUT dat is.. i got da acceptance letter on da last day of skool. da same day i got a fuckin certificate for excellence in effort in maths and get stoned..so i was feelin pretty cool.
i was so fuckin scared wen i saw it first thou cos i wasnt prepared for da interview at all and i woke up dat day with like jus a few hrs sleep on my baq and da lady frm AUT gives me a call to da message i left her and said she sent me an email sayin to be dere at 9:20 am... which was passed.. but i got an interview at 11:20 am and i was real tired ad not prepared at all but i got in.
i was fuckin hittin da roof wen jake read it out to me cos he read it before i did and i actualli didnt wanna hear it cos i was so fuckin scared..

so relieved.
wont hafta go baq to selwyn.
yay!

as well as dat hopefully mom will get us a house here . pref one in mission bay cos its jus such a nice area. and den we can be da bitchy landladies.. and my honey can come flat with us..
please let it have a pool!!!
and den ill hafta get a car and itll all be sweet.
jake wants to get a motorcycle.
Pffft.
i swear hell end up gettin into an accident.
not dat i have any qualms about his drivin skills i jus normally freak out dat ppl drivin motors are gonna get demselves killed.. esp on da big freaky motors dey like to drive.

"u get into a car crash and dis is how i treat u..."

lol
well alls well dat ends well.
good luck all for da respective exams.

2004-10-20T15:24:00.000+08:00

My parents are moving to Sydney. Good and bad I guess.
Pros:
We'll be closer to them. Get to see them every school holiday. They'll most likely be able to visit us often as well because they'll be in NZ for business every now and then.
Lots of added incentive to go to Sydney
I know some people that are in Sydney or will be, or nearby

Now, Cons:
We'll have no reason to go back to Singapore after this - that means I don't get to see you people!
My brother is going to have a whory as Australian accent
They might make us go to Uni in Sydney now, which would be torture - HOW MANY TIMES AM I EXPECTED TO START FROM SCRATCH?
Did I mention there'll be no reason to go back to Singapore?
If they think I want to go home so much to see them... Well.

So what else is news?
We've got tickets back to Singapore already! Scheduled to arrive on Tuesday, the 30th of November, at 2325, Flight OS 8, Terminal 2. We have a 7 hour transit in Melbourne. Whoop dee fuckin doo.

*taken frm my sis's blog.. feel da same way so jus ripped it off frm her.. tnx tiara*

yup. cant believe its my bdae.. and everyones tellin me im now legal..

ummm...

cool.

=)

2004-10-09T13:35:00.000+08:00

WHY LADIES MUST KNOW HOW TO
SPEAK
ENGLISH Message:
One day, a Mat Salleh from USA arrived at
KLIA.
After he checked out from the customs, he felt
he
needed to go to the toilet, so he looked for
one.

When he found the toilet, there was a lady
sitting
at the entrance. When he was about to enter
the
toilet, the lady stopped him and asked for forty
cents in Cantonese ("sey kok"). The Mat Salleh
wondered why in MALAYSIA they have to "see
the
c**k" before entering the toilet? So he said "no"
but the lady insisted. Since he had no choice,
he
took out his c**k and showed it to her.

The lady said "No! No! Duit, Duit!" (money in
Malay), but the Mat Salleh misunderstood again
and
thought that she said "Do it! Do it!"
So he asked, "Now? Here?"
The lady replied "Yes, yes!" because she
doesn't
quite understand English.

The Mat Salleh thought that she wanted to have
sex
with him, so he stripped the lady and made
love to
her. The lady started screaming and shouted,
"SAKIT! SAKIT!" (pain in Malay), and the Mat
Salleh thought it was "SUCK IT! SUCK IT!"

He said "OK! I will suck it for you" and took both
breasts and suck them. The lady again
screamed
"Oh, TUHAN!" (Oh, MY GOD....in Malay). The
Mat
Salleh misunderstood again. "Too HARD?"

OK, sweetheart, I'll be gentler a bit," the Mat
Salleh replied. Suddenly, a security guard
walked
by, so the lady shouted for help, "TOLONG!
TOLONG,ENCIK!"
The Mat Salleh replied, "Wat?!Not too long,
just 6 inches only..."

-------------------------------------------

haha describes mak salleh's perfectly.
yes yes i noe looks whose tokin rite?

well i guess

check out dis song..

DAY BY DAY
STILL THINKIN ABOUT
THE TINGS U SAID
DAT U'LL KEEP ME IN UR HEART

NITE BEGUN
AND YOURE STILL ON MY MIND
THOU I NOE UR FEELINGS HAVE DIED
I'LL HAVE U HERE BY MY SIDE

NITES WHEN I FELL ALL ALONE
MY HEART KEEPS CALLING OUT YOUR NAME
TIMES WHEN I THINK BACK, THE DAYS WE HAD
IT GOES AND WONT COME BACK

ALL I WANT U TO NOE DAT
ITS KILLING ME,
ITS HURTING ME,
BABY GERL WUNT U COME BACK TO ME
ITS KILLING ME,
ITS HAUNTING ME,
BABY PLEASE TELL ME DAT U LOVE ME..

good rite...
i cant finish it off its jus cool da way it is besides im not good at these things..
but i will wen i have the time i promise..
otherwise bin real busy. skool and all back on track..

saw jake's play. and he was dere with his cute irish accent.
sayang dier.. lol
dey we realli good.. da whole thing was pretty amazing but i kept pickin up on their nervousness and things like da accent slipping and all. jus realli used to drama and acting so i recognise it immediately.

miss acting. yes yes and jake was great..

"and the oscar goes to..."

well im out for now but ill be baq..
shit la fasting month starts soon.cant do anything cant even swear. FUCK la
and its sucks cock more cos we have daylight saving which means dat da sun onli sets at like 8+ at nite which means well be fastin for like 13hrs straight.
kill me kill me now.

oh yea and im still fucked at my last entry. cos i was online and found out dat dis guy sold my guitar. yes yes i noe im still whinig/complainin but realli realli fucked off. cos i jus dunt understand why.
but ill get over it..

MY SUPERIOR PEOPLE REFUSE TO WORSHIP ME. I AM NOT HAPPY"

So PISSED

2004-10-03T18:04:00.001+08:00

okay del.. jus swallow..breathe. its no use u blowin up now. nuthin u can do
*shivers*
ooh i am jus SO fucked off right now.

so fuckin fucked off..
cant believe wat ive jus heard..

stab me

Quotes

2004-09-27T11:28:00.000+08:00

"I have a dream... where little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls and walk together as sisters and brothers."

- Martin Luther King Jr.

why would he say that wat does he mean.. ill tell u what he means..

"I have a dream that one day, white people and black people and even Chinese people can gamble together whithout getting different chips!"
-Chris Tucker, Rush Hour 2

and the ultimate:

"I have a dream... little white boys and little black boys.Playing with each other."

2004-09-26T16:00:00.000+08:00

haha.. jus played battlefield.. and i wasnt half bad... he he he.. i feel real proud
well can say la and....

ATTENTION

i have a fone !!!
*war cries of whoop-dee-doos*

damn friggin finally but yea.. happy la..of course and its actualli not half bad
can tahan la..

my no..

(64)09 309 6667
(64)021 100 6282

haha.
i love my parents.

yea any way gonna get dinner now.. i cant believe da hols are almost over its bin such a waste.. dammit. not like ive done anythin.. yea and we might well are but dunt noe went... goin down to wellington.. to see our new second cousin..

Jemma
i think dats how u spell it but apparently shes realli cute.

oh and me and Mutiara were havin a lil fun in town countin da number of guys dat stare at us.. its amusing cos some of them try to be realli subtle and da others are jus plain blatant..

99 total.

goddammit this country is pathetic.

yea well boring boring boring...

toked to tim da other nite was fun.. miss tokin to him... still remember wen we use to be on the fone for like 3 hours straight.. and yea.singing that stupid song which was like our song..

U Make Me Wanna - Blue

good old days.

fifis birthday in a few days.. im tryin to send her sumthin.

yea got a song that i have a feelin my darling sweet boyfriend will love... haha
okay okay i wont mooch bout him in here.. cos ill probably get throttled.
but yea..

*Bo0!!*

lol

enjoy honey... =)

Fuck The Pain Away
by Peaches

Album
: The Teaches Of Peaches

Sucking on my titties like you wanted me
Calling me, all the time like Blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches
What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh? What?

Sucking' on my titties like you wanted me
Calling me, all the time like Blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
What else is in the teaches of peaches?
Like sex on the beaches, Huh? What?

Huh? Right. What? Uhh
Huh? What? Right. Uhh
Huh? What? Right. Uhh
Huh? What? Right. Uhh

SIS IUD, stay in school ‘cause it's the best
IUD SIS, stay in school ‘cause it's the best
IUD SIS, stay in school ‘cause it's the best
IUD SIS, stay in school ‘cause it's the best

Sucking' on my titties like you wanted me
Calling me, all the time like Blondie
Check out my chrissy behind
It's fine all of the time
Like sex on the beaches
What else is in the teaches of peaches? Huh? What?

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Huh? What? Right. Uhh
Huh? What? Right. Uhh
What else in the teaches of peaches?
Like sex on the beaches
Huh? What? Right. Uhh

Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away
Fuck the pain away. Fuck the pain away

2004-09-17T13:25:00.000+08:00

gah its da start o da hols...need to get a job. bin lookin round but came up with mostly a big fat zero save a few here and dere which i still need yo properly check out. damn dis is not cool

at least i havent bin doin nuthin ive almost finished my portfolio..
its lookin good.
definitely not da best by singapore standards but hey.. dis isnt singapore and everythin here is basically crap shit
not dat its dat bad but its jus not dat good either dammit.
guess ive gotten into routine besides time seems to go by faster with da guys over like every other nite.

its amazing. normally if dat happens with other ppl ill scream, tear my hair out and tell dem to get da fuck out. buts its different with dem... i dunno its like not half bad.
okay who am i kiddin i like being with him tis cool..

yea da last week has bin great. cant believe it.. still grinnin.

stuck in a moment-u2
tainted love-marilyn manson
are you gonna be my girl?-jet
drops of jupiter-train

gah. yea well me and tiara are sick of dem not smilin so were gonna finish up da film takin pics of dem and us etc. and i might put dem up.. yea any way...

da other day; tuesday (14th)
was liam's birthday. so yea after exams me and jake went to his place. its cool very suave.. and yea he has a real adorable cat. REALLI adorable. damn i want my cat.. my baby

yea but den he also has an x-box. and wen deres an x-box around da girl is always forgotten.
as expected. i mean its a given. so yea i jus sat dere..
and jake played x-box.. and wen da game was saving/loading hell cme and cuddle me/kiss me and da moment its done

*drop*
ccompletely forgotten. but no matter used to it already.
yea and so later on jake and liam were comin over and me and tiara decided dat we jus had to give him a birthday surprise. Singapore style.. which of course means sabo..
so yea we planned it all out and went thru it a few times. got all da details ready and wen jake came over i told him..
so tiara makes him take off his shirt(new; a birthday present) and brings him outside (i wud kill fore messin up our place) and blindfolds him(so he cant see me and jake) and den she goes:

"happy birthday"
*kisses him while i hand her an egg*
and i have 2eggs and jake has a huge muthafuckin bag of flour

and so at da same time me and her slam da eggs on him and jake covers him.. poor guy.
but it was fun.. besides it happened to me on my birthday so yea.

jake reckons nuthin like this i gonna happen on his bdae cos hell be ready for it.

he wishes

hell be in for a shock in dat case.

*evil laugh*

yea cant believe deres no skool for 2 weeks but ill need to get some studyin done. didnt do a minute of studyin for da past exams and mostly handed in blank papers.. save for a few doodles here and dere. yes yes i will start studyin properly.

i also WILL go look for a job within da next few days. promise.

hafta go to get food after dis.. im gonna make chicken porridge. so proud.

but yea to everyone back home

GoOd LuCk FoR the PreLims..
StuDy Hard =)

and

all those in NJRC.. hope u guys had fun.
missed being dere..
='(

but yea we jus looked at apartments jus now for next year.. looked at da 2-room one jus to see.. if we move in with liam and jake next year.. da place looks damn cool and defintely better for a service apartment plus dere'll be more ppl round so itll be cool and well have loft beds.. da last things to decide is where im sleepin..
jokes

but yea it looks nice.. next year will definitely be interestin cant wait to be a uni gurl!

gah im goin crazee over da sunscren song.. its so cool.. okay well not realli a song more of quote den anything but still love it.. so friggin good..

Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing your past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

Whatever you do, don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.

Read the directions, even if you don't follow them.

and my favourite..

Do NOT Read Beauty Magazines. They Will Only Make You Feel Ugly

HAHA..
so true.

whoopdee-fuckin-doo

2004-09-16T17:38:00.000+08:00

okay sorry i havent bin updatin..

promise to blog soon..

crazee

2004-08-31T16:52:00.000+08:00

holy shit so much has bin happenin i can hardly keep up with it all..

okay we went to a concert on friday this rock concert and then after dat went to play pool.. some realli weird guy came up to me.. totalli freaked me out and i was like lookin round tryin to say help with my eyes and then jake came and saved me my knight in shinin amour after tim and fazlie.. yea den we went baq to mine all 5 of us.. and we all crashed everyone at my place.

jake raluca ej and liam..

yea jake n me in my bed, tiara and liam in her bad and ej and raluca on the floor.. yep. next day got up to coffee made by ej.. busy buzzy bee =) cuddled, cuddled summore den da guys finally left.. jake came baq and dad called.. he was like wat da hell was goin on yesterday nite.. and wanted to tok to jake. jake toked and did realli well under pressure. he was so cute..have to give it to him. hes the first.. lucky me =) sunday was quiet i guess did all da norm stuff den went to the park to do hw.. and den got in a car with some random stranger.. did up the house realli nicely and den collapsed in bed.

goin to see the village with jake and tiara and liam on sunday i think.. skool ok exam comin.. dammit so i havent bin waggin bin doin all my hw.. and studyin.

damn i feel like such a good child..

haha yea so that was da weekend and dats jus in short.WITHOUT any detail
but yea it was full of:

hundreads and thousands, thousands and pousands, and fairy biscuits (tiara will get wat im sayin lol)

gah. okay ill shout more later but yea..
outs

ps//*sighs* fun fun.. lovely... loved it..

2004-08-21T15:21:00.000+08:00

dis is not fuckin cool.. asal sumer last mnute nyer... grrr

bingit bingit

well wat to do la? take some u lose some..

gay.. gay

2004-08-10T17:37:00.000+08:00

the world spin but u stand a solitary figure.. swayin in the breeze. it almost does the job for u but not quite cos it takes more den nature to leap. it takes a push. a shove.
u take a deep breath and the ground rushes towards u. u feel the wind whistle in your ears. u want to scream tell everything to jus stop and rewind. but its too late. the moment has passed and time has moved on and as much as u want it to wait.. wait for u as u run behind, panting to catch up, its always a step ahead and it wont stop and u cant catch it. and the world keeps spinnin.
people move on. hardly noticing the dark shape now lyin still on the ground. a heap of crushed hopes and broken dreams.

a fallen angel;

its wings bent, its back hunched, its arms hugging its knees, tryin to understand, tryin to accept, tryin to be like everyone else.

"dont diss my wings. i CAN fly. u cant pull me down; i dont hope, i dont dream. u cant kill me from the inside cos im already dead and when im up there i wont take any of you. i am above u all. elevated... most important, i am free.

*********

skools borin like realli realli borin. went snowboardin i think it was last last weekend it was cool cept i ended up with my arm in a cast. and i swear wearin one is friggin torture. it itches like so bad. so yea it got so bad i sorta went mental. completely fuckin nuts. and i started hackin at it witha knife . yup anyway i had a ball to go to and it jus wudent be proper to show up with like my arm in a friggin huge cast. so yea.. last weekend was da ball friday i think. it was wayy cool. danced with like everyone.. i was on da dancefloor da whole nite aye. it was real cool. and ronja and tess and holly were all fuckin pissed. holly got chucked out cos dere were jus too drunk. but yea got to dance with richard. yup he won king. and den dey played my song... shake dat thing by sean paul. so i ended up in da middle with a grp of ppl round me all shakin asses. and i wasnt even dat drunk. hardly not in fact.

monday mornin. i walk into class late and cassidy and co. are jus like grinnin at me cassidy clappin. maths teacher comes up to me.. "were u at da ball. i didnt see u"
happens to turn to cassidy "was she at da ball?" cassidy like sits up and hes like "oh u were dere aye. i saw u on da dancefloor. she was dere sir."

yea okay so i think maybe i let go a bit. damced with pretty much everyone.

tuesday. walkin out of maths class.. richard walks past da window and bllowes me kisses. wat da hell.. blow a few baq. on da way out cass goes"hows richard". waitemata walks past"hows richard"

i think okay dis is gettin annoyin. cute thou..

and i lost my fone. lost it after da ball.. it gets better. guess where?
in my room. yes i did have it wen i got home cos ppl were messagin me and i was replyin but i didnt haf any credit so i chucked it on da bed/table/counter. i cant realli remember where. but i noe i was at home.

no im stupid u fucktard. of course i tried callin it but da battery was flat and so da bloody thing was off.. and i was tidyin up my room frm da mess i made on friday leavin for da ball and den i cudent find my fone and i made a mess of da room again lookin for it. i looked everywhere.. name a place i looked dere. i even went thru da washin. under da bed. in da wardrobe. in my drawers. in da rubbish.ind a rolled up posters. in my bag. in my skool bag. even in my pillow cases.

came up with a big fat zilch.

i hope it will turn up. it jus has to. i mean it cant jus go missin ill fuckin freak if i dunt find it. ej even came over today to help me look*big hugs and smooches to ej* ive got my fingers crossed.

oh and i saw julian today. dat was way cool to finally see him after so long. i was jus like woah... missed him havent seen him since before da hols. i was supposed to go out with him on sunday but i lost my fone and i dunt noe his no off by heart so i was pretty screwed. yup da darlin bothered walkin all da way up to my doorstep jus to leave me a nice empty can. with a rubberband holdin a piece of paper around it.
da paper reads:
Julian was not here but he is still mad at you for being mean. now get off your ass and throw this can in the rubbish u lazy woman.

hows sweet rite?
yes i noe it sounds not realli sweet but it is.. julian style sweet. cute too. and definitely original. u jus gotta love him...

^^^4 more weeks of skool left^^^
i think i can take it.
wish me luck and enjoy da song my song of da moment.
Can You Help Me by Usher

2004-07-30T20:44:00.000+08:00

argh...

bite me
kill me
eat my shit

and fuck off
**

haha so im dat loved huh?

2004-07-15T05:33:00.000+08:00

im real good at dat.. jus so friggin good..

oh yea im so loved its actualli quite amazin.. yea and i speak truths. well at least if it in fact comes from my mouth so yea.

but hey dat doesnt mean im not fair. i will onli fuck u up if u say the wrong thing..
run run

yes yes

"bye bye babies"

was with matt jus now..
no i do not wanna tok bout it.
*sighs dreamily*

but then again.
:::oh yea and i hafta stop gettin into shit. hafta be an angel for a long bit of a lil while yet or im in deep deep shit:::
oh yea think my finger has bruised.. jammed into a fan.
yea i did it for kicks u moron.

fuck this its five in da mornin im not expected to be in a cutesy mood.boringje. if i dunt matter den for fuck's sake get over me..
and den do the world a favour and turn off the light.

get over urself..

yea dats da one;
lifes a bitch and im da muthafuckin queen of fucktards

gone

2004-06-30T16:32:00.000+08:00

gone.. jus like dat.

yup i deleted a whole load of posts. because i jus did okay dunt u fuckin question my motive..
he he
=)
no im not mad...
yea well im takin a break from all da packin. needed to blog. my sis was bein an arse she didnt wanna let me maskin tape da boxes up.. i swear she was so totalli hoggin it. and she knows that thats da fun part. so bad.. SO EVIL

yea anyway. were movin tomorrow. so kecoh xia.thank god i roped julian into helpin.. bribed him with souveniers...ooops *shuts mouth*

ANYWAE..

bored. pissed. pmsin.

okay well change dat. tokin to raden. haha long time no tokies..
hes so sweet

i think ive done everythin i need to do?
note to self: get a life

i have a life.. i jus forgot to pack it.
damn u all to da depths of the earth.
never mind i shall let da song say it all.
enjoy...

2004-06-18T10:01:00.000+08:00

time gone by

chris got suspended.haha cant believe it and we were jsu tokin bout it. how great is dat?

got more but no time to tok
spew laters

yousaidit

2004-06-13T20:08:00.001+08:00

listenin to saras bloggie.. haha lurve da song..(million tears- groove coverage.. i think)

yea jus came baq from watchin a movie with julian and his gurl aggie and deir fren jash.. twas friggin nice... its one of those cool shows where everyone dies in da end u noe da whole zombie thing goin on but it was actualli cool cos dere was alot of funny bits and da gore and da suspense. it weird cos ive bin seein alot of those shows recently da other was da texas chainsaw massacre..
now dat was some freaky hell shit.. even better? heh well it a true story. and as a crime case its still unresolved cos two cops got fatally injured so dey closed da case.

wokays now i noe one place where im not goin for a holiday.. shitt...

yea three cds i wanna get?
zed!!
slipknot!!
usher!!

uhuh yea and i wud haf gotten dem long ago if it was so goddamn friggin expensive. dammit!
yea and im finally broke so julian bein da darlin dat he is paid for my coffee and my movie and some food which i shared... yea im gonna pay him baq jus as soon as i get friggin paid i swear its realli annoyin me da way dey screw up my timesheet and i wanna work more cos i want more muny but den again i wanna go out as well which is a bit hard wen im workin 24/7. gawd i guess deres a jus rite in between which i shall find soon nuff.
yea so we went out and watched a movie had dinner and coffee.. yea sounds dull i noe but it actualli wasnt hangin with dem is cool cos? cos.. cos like julian can never keep his mouth shut.. nope its not a bad thing it actualli makes for a very interestin time.. and den since he jus has to dis da grls we all gang up on him.. yea adn since josh loks at wat actualli makes sense hes normally on our side... and deres julian tryin to god to defend himself totalli losin but to be honest puttin up quite a good fight..

efore oh yea.. saw nat and chris and nats lil bro; florence(pretty gay name) and john! yup me and chris were doin da whole "dude" thing it was da official totalli kyle tok =)
hehe reminds me of ol times yup twas truly fun.. yea dey jus came outta watchin harry potter.. both da guys said it sucked but nat thought it was alrite.. im still unsure whether to go see it or not cos tiara saw it and she said it was alrite but a bit of a let down...

uhuh i cant believe im sayin dis but i might jus not watch it and wait till its comes out on dvd and rent it.. makes more sense huh? die hard fan?? yae of da book rememba? and i wudent wanna spoil it.
still hadent met john den but saw him later onli for an hour thou.. sad but i think ill see him tomolo.

speakin of which.
internal tomolo.
DAMMIT
yup maths. but i guess it wont be half bad at least i hope it wont nad i still haf da physics internal and a chem one comin up.. dunno bout psyco and i dunt give a flyin fouk bout accounts so yea.
so much for my studies.
and yea

********************
NOTE TO SELF
********************
1)umm go cal up aut and ask dem bout enrollin..

cause i toked to a guy who came to our skool for dis careers expo and found out da deres da course open but u hafta be 17 and ill be turnin 17 but not dere yet wen i enrol and start so ill hafta see whether dat can happen. he said i cud prob get in if i was good and haf all da requirments but he said give em a call anyway to check. if not ill prob take a yr off but do like some art course somewhere or sumthin. makes more sense dat way id say. but hopefully ill get in no sweat

2) get started on ur damn portfolio u lazy fucktard. yes u darl.. u think ur gonna get in if ur so young by jus sittin on ur goddamnned ass? sorr honey to fuckin burst ur bubble but i somehow dunt think dat datll work. so get movin u spastic pig

*******************

dere.
mmm...

dats it uhh aunty lizzie and uncle gordon will be here on tuesday. yup so deir gonna be here for 4 days and maybe aunty lizzie might stay longer.. hope so but den again not.. i dunno la i noe it sounds realli ungrateful dat way but i mena itll jus mean i will hafta look round everytime im with ppl jus cos im so friggin paranoid and il wanna check whether deyll be round to see me get up to anythin.
yea but itll be cool too cos deyre from home and dey haf stuff frm home and it also ,means dat we wont haf broken da tradition of seein dem every skool hols. and i miss dem (duh!) oh and i think dey haf muny for us which i cud so totalli use rite now cos jus in case i havent already mentioned im broke!!!(finally)*whines*

and dats da same day dat ill be seein macbeth with my eng class i think deres gonna be a bus dats gonna bring us to da place. its gonna be cool its bin a while since ive seen a good play so lets jus hope dat dis matches up. and itll be nice to not hafta be in class and go out and haf fun but still be learnin at da same time.. aha... not bad at all.

yea another thing dats da supposed date dat im gonna meet michael after skool to go out and do like coffe or a movie or sumthin.. hes actualli realli nice and i dunt care wat kinda psyco he appears to be..(thou da russian thingy does pull off not a half bad freaky image) i think hes realli sweet. jus sorta how do u say... uhh?
misunderstood?
haha guess i can relate to him sorta.
cept he told me he was madly in love with me.. aha. yea i was jus like huh?(at dat time i had no friggin clue it was him and i tot it was jus some random dude messagin me)

so yea i gotta tell him as well. cos if not it jus wudent be fair.. i meanhes too sweet for me to do dat to him and after wat everyone(my sis, tim etc.) said i think i shant try to sbconciously or conciously do wat i seem to always do to guys. i wud txt him cept i haf no muny in my fone.
see? im not half bad

ooh and tim. ignore da arseholes on ur blog. and im happy u haf a blog cos if not i wudent be able to noe wats goin on with u and dat wud suck big time. besides thousands of other guys haf blogs so no sweat ya?

newae gotta run.. be on wen im on..
outs

ur life is mine

2004-06-11T18:01:00.000+08:00

yep dats da one.. okay i noe i havent bin on da net for ages. once again.
NOT MY FAULT.

*******************

hokaiy..
umm i dunno i realli dunno. u see i noe i was gonna update but den again it jus seems so aimless and weird like to shit my life onto some fucin thing on da net.. wen its not even wat i wud say.. its all so hypocritical it makes me wanna puke yea well i somehow dunt think dat things are how dey shud be bin disturbed by freaky dreams

not cool

yea ignore me im in a shit mood..
pms

dats it...
outs

2004-06-09T14:27:00.000+08:00

all of us hangin out doin nuthin much..=)

typical day
no time to say anythin else...

im elated i shall shut up now.. im nto alone? guess u can say dat.
hah xplain another time

i can fly

2004-06-03T19:50:00.000+08:00

i dunno if ill getr dere cos it cod change 15 min
here i am in da moment i wont hold baq im gonna leave it
u cant say it didnt happen u cant say it isnt true
cos im da one dats goin thru dis rite inh front of u
u dunt where this is goin u dunno how hard its gonna be
u get da stars approvin wen u wear ur heart out on ur sleeve
but im still standin here today in ur eyes im still da same and dey can take dat away

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

gah. im depressed i dunno why well maybe i do i have no rite to be thou.
yea i dunno why i feel like dat always its like if things are goin well btu i feel down ill feel guilty like i haf no rite to feel like shit cos things are goin good. well i mean on da surface dey are. i feel as if u noe if i laugh today and tok with frens im considered lucky and therefore i shudent bout other things.
twisted feelins?
definitely

i mean i dunno wat to say here.. cant realli say anythin yea dis is jus me and da whole i bottle everythin up and i dunt like to share my feelins.
am i realli like dat?
okay i dunt wanna noe... i think its da song and wats goin on i mean i guess its good like u noe finally wat ive bin waitin for but its not rite.. and after dis and dat and with me not lettin myself be at peace.
hmm
i dunt sleep well at nite lemme tell u.. and i can tok and laugh but its a strain and wen its not it doesnt go all da way down. its sorta further den da surface but it doesnt warm me up. its still cold.
and wen im alone i feel like cryin.
y?
i realli haf no fuckin clue.. hell if u do id be glad to hear it.. like ill jus sit and feel realli down and den ill do sumthin to try to occupy myself u noe ill sleep at weird times and try to keep busy btu its all such a drag
and its all a screen which im dyin to jus tear up.
but i cant.. it wudent be fair on others. it wud show weakness. it wud show dat im not wat i appear to be. it will make ppl pity me. dammit i dunt need it okay fuck u all!!
and finally and most weighin one, it jus wudent make sense and wud be totalli random and sumthin dat doesnt go on.

and dats wen it all starts. uhuh and i mean yea
fuck it.
i dunno i guess i jus feel like deres no purpose and its jus surreal. and den wen shit happens i hafta make it seem like it doesnt bother me wen it does.. and den i get real casual such dat its obvious dats sumthins wrong.. but dats for a moment and den i check myself andi change such dat im jus at da rite degree of enthusiasm and craziness
god i tell u i shud get a fuckin award.. its like ive bin actin thruout my life
its almost one whole big tv series...
im jsu so good at it it comes naturally and i hafta and now becos of dat i mean okay okay i noe case scenario

a person sittin dere unusually quiet and she suddenly starts sobbin.. ppl start crowdin tryin to make it better askin her wats wrong.. and den finally after a while dey disperse and think wat da hell? wat brought dat on?
shes norm not like dat?

u see i mean idunt like people to pay attention to me at a bad moment.. u noe its like i feel vunerable wen i cry and i dunt like to appear vunerable in ppl's eyes. experience tokin its not good..and i dunt lik people tryin to comfort me.. tellin me itll be okay and askin whats wrong. yea i m=noe it seems mean to say dat i mena deir jsu tryin to help but i dunt like it. and if dey ask wats wrong.. i mean wat da fuck am i supposed to say. i dunno i jus felt like it?
and den dey walk away with a confused opinion of me.
i mean i dunno i jus dunt like dat shit
and always before after sumthin like dat i feel like da world's fool.. no kiddin i feel so stupid and ashamed i wanna crawl up and die.
it jus rotates
my notebk is fillin up its got loadsa doodles in all pretty dark.. i dunno why but i jus like drawin dat... u noe like images of ppl curled up or in a position dat shows protection(?)
fuck i haf no clue aye..

ill blame it on da song
so to continue my superficial life.

u look up and see da birds fly
imagine da elation of bein up dere..
and sometimes wen a gust of wind comes at u u feel as if it wil lift u off ur feet.completely blow u away
and u close ur eyes to totalli let ur other senses guide u. u shake ur head to feel ur hair bin pulled baq and whippin against ur face. the cold on ur cheeks and in ur mind u ARE bein blown away transported, to another time.
me?
i think of the pantai ie jetti ie watever..yea u noe wen u stand at da edge and u look down. u feel da wind in ur face again and u feel so in control and like its u and all da forces of nature against watever is in ur path. and as u sit in silence and gaze out u are truly stuck in da moment and u dunt let go. u jus let ur mind run. thoughs passin u by. emotion washin over u but u somehow feel strangely detached. like waht is runni thru ur mind it doesnt affect u. its sumtin small and insignificant.. jus for dat moment
and wen u reach dat point u are truly soarin. like da birds in da sky u have reached a level of freedom in which u are not wat u think u are; nuthin is and u whizz thru da past present and as u reach da door dat leads to da future, u reach out and grasp da doorknob.
but it disintegrates in ur hand and as u begin to feel again.. surprise and realisation u are jolted baq to reality and the moment- passed;
has such the effect on u that u are flooded by mixed emotion.
fear, doubts, relief, contentedness, remorse..

u think things thru and u actuali feel wen u go over dem in ur head and u realsie dat u are in da future. da door dat u never got to open. has already been opened and dis is what u wud have seen had u looked thru and u realise it has become the past. and u are in da future..

time never stops. every moment is the present of now, the past of the next, and the future of before, there is no capacity for each... they are endless yet last no more then a second.

2004-06-02T15:45:00.000+08:00

once again i shall say it...
i always get info dat i noe will hurt jus to i dunno rub it in i guess...
like i hafta confirm everythin to make it real
tsk tsk

yea anyway turn up da speakers.. and presentin da NZ IDOL>.>!! haha
cute rite..
hes actualli not half bad...
yea da days haf bin pretty interestin..
toked on da fone yesterday.twas record timiin...
2.5hrs!!!
not bad ar?
yea was crappin with julian.. bin bored otherwise.. bin skippin skool loads..

god dere..jus did it again.. in two different acses..
oh wait ive moved on..

*slaps del.."shut up u bitch"*

ANYWAY

yea met a few interestin ppl..
john..haha avery cool dude and real funny too.
nat...chris bes fren/gf(??)
tabby... didnt tok to her much..
and marco(was it??).

never mind.. uhu yea i think im goin nuts.. i dunno im like so weird im scarin myself.. sleepwalkin now dat wud jsu be da ultimate so im gonna say no.. i dunt think i did.

yea anyway...gah okay nevermind i dunt wanna tok bout it...

nope not out dat either

or dat.
hes leave\in? so soon? but he jsu got here and it was jus yesterday wen we said al dat and wen we amde it real.. well u can tear that all up now. it was never like dat

stupid fuckin hens

2004-05-31T20:36:00.000+08:00

One day as the Little Red Hen was scratching in a field, she found a grain of wheat.

"This wheat should be planted," she said. "Who will plant this grain of wheat?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.

"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

Soon the wheat grew to be tall and yellow.

"The wheat is ripe," said the Little Red Hen. "Who will cut the wheat?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.

"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

When the wheat was cut, the Little Red Hen said, "Who will thresh the wheat?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.

"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

When the wheat was threshed, the Little Red Hen said, "Who will take this wheat to the mill?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.

"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

She took the wheat to the mill and had it ground into flour. Then she said, "Who will make this flour into bread?"
"Not I," said the Duck.
"Not I," said the Cat.
"Not I," said the Dog.

"Then I will," said the Little Red Hen. And she did.

She made and baked the bread. Then she said, "Ive planted the seed and cut the wheat and threshed the wheat and took it to the mill and made the flour into bread. Now, who will eat this bread?"
"Oh! I will," said the Duck.
"And I will," said the Cat.
"And I will," said the Dog.

"No, No!" said the Little Red Hen. "I will." And she did

now kids.. wats da moral of the story?
"delegation"?..."cooperation?"..."selfishness?"..."u reap what u sow?"

"NO u STUPID CUNTS!!!its u hafta be mean, and cruel and manipulative and at da end of da day wen da deeds done, u can go tell da world to go fuck themselves and u can shove ur ass in their face for dem to lick...MORONS"

but do u realise that if the lil red hen had jus fuckin eaten da grain of wheat instead of makin it into bread and what not he wud haf saved himself alot of time and trouble
andd...
do u realise that if he is the onli one that wud actualli eat the bread and throughly enjoy it since hes da onli one dat regards da bread as a staple and therefore its pretty obvious dat no one wud help and completely understandable too.

lookin baq at this its jus so naive and innocent its scary like i mean if u were to tell it plain, well if da stupid hen even bothered askin the cat to do sumthin and den keep him from the reward dat comes with it... ragardless of whether da cat had helped or not, if he even suggested dat, the cat would tell him to go piss himself before swallowin him whole actualli,not dat being it a real-life scenarion the hen wud even dare to ask someone who is not only bigger but also higher up on da food chain to help him out.

so its more like...:

One day as the Little Red Hen was scratching in a field, she found a grain of wheat.
"This wheat should be..."
"OH fuck off u old wheeze bag piece of shit that doesnt deserve to live",said all three.
and fuck off she did.

~THE END~

2004-05-31T12:14:00.000+08:00

i love my blog.. dis is a kiwi artiste playin
not bad huh?
wasnt in skool today..bin realli cold so i finally got a fur jacket
thanx tiara

got drunk da other nite twas fun.. total madness

yep
oh and da saudi bombings
dey happened 5 houses from subhash..
hes on da next flight baq to singapore
yea subhash my supposed future husband.
scary eh?
freakin.
owel

didja noe??

2004-05-28T18:38:00.000+08:00

Libra (24 September - 23 October)
You can charm the pants off anyone that crosses your path, making them feel like they are the centre of your universe, when you hate their guts. Added to your charm is your ability to see both sides of an argument so your mates always need you around when there's trouble brewing. In lurve you are seductive using your charm to win them over which, added to your attractive personality means that you are never without a date!

hmm okay well bin lookin up everythin i can possibly think of on fashion... guess im gonna hafta get serious bout this if i wanna make it..

Stuff to do:
ask art teacher wat i need in a portfolio
do more designs
go see da wrkshp by aut on da courses
sign up soon
etc.

cant think of anythin else at da mo. but i think ive got it pretty covered

haha i noe dis is a rip-off of mutiara but it jus reminded me ad i had to put it up here.. it was classic

yea well i also tried teachin kiwis da concept of singlish..
subject:Chris(poor bastard)

Me:*gettin off da bus* u noe in singapore wen were tokin to someone.. or wen we want to call out to dem and we dunt noe deir name and deir of average age, well call dem uncle
like we call da bus driver uncle
Chris: wat??? realli so u call da bus driver uncle. like wat do u mean do u jus go "thankew uncle"
Me:*nods* and if ur like meetin ur frens mom or sumthin u call her aunty..
Chris: haha like "hi aunty."
Me:*nods thinkin he got it*
Chris: haha dats so weird so u call da bus drivers uncle and ur frens mom aunty?*gives a wtf face thinkin im one screwed up chic*
Me: not its not like dat.. nevermind

damn.. dey jus dunt get it..and yea sumtimes ill jus say stuff and thell look at me like im mad..
like he was terrorisin me and i jus blurted.."so evil i dunt wanna fren u"

and u noe everyone around me jus stares at me..

yea i think i shall give up soon ad jus stay da weird one.

ever felt people watch you in such away that u feel detached from the scene almost as if ur watchin da whole thing as a third party.. u can see the look on everyones face but u dunt get it cos as da supposed third party u jus arrived and missed out on the bulk of what has happened so u jus stand round and u watch thinkin.. hmm wats goin on and try to interpret it such dat u dunt come off in anyway that is somehow individual.
but u notice dat everone is lookin at you, da you dat screwed up and u feel a mix of pity and insult.. anger and shame
u want to get urself out of that situation but deres nuthin u can do ur jus a bystander and ur not realli dere

and jus after dat u start to fade
and ur on ur own

"capture a moment before it goes cause it only passes once and then never again"

and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how its done..

belief?

2004-05-26T18:43:00.000+08:00

were doin macbeth for english... NCEA Achievement standard 2.3:Unseen Text

yup its so cool.. i dunt think we hafta read da whole thing but yea im jus readin it cos its so interestin adn al and i think ive pretty mcuh gotten past da language probs and shit.. its so nice and sinister.realli..ohh i see if i can find my fave part

The raven himself is hoarse
That croaks the fatal entrance of Duncan
Under my battlements. Come, you spirits
That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here,
And fill me from the crown to the toe top-full
Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood;
Stop up the access and passage to remorse,
That no compunctious visitings of nature
Shake my fell purpose, nor keep peace between
The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts,
And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers,
Wherever in your sightless substances
You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night,
And pall thee in the dunnest smoke of hell,
That my keen knife see not the wound it makes,
Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark,
To cry 'Hold, hold!'

dis is da lady speakin askin for da evil to take away everything feminin bout her and give her da ruthlessness to carry out such an act as murder.such that she shall not turn till da deed is done.

cool huh?
yup totalli into it.. had coke in skool today and was on a sugar high during interval. no kiddin thank god i haf raluca whose jus as mad as me.. she makes me look not so mad. cos we were seriously losin it.. dancin ad singin and wat not. but yea da day was dead.. very dead.
ooh and robin is totalli freaked out by me.. hes scared cos i keep annoyin him.*evil laugh*

Delima: haha ur so cute ur gettin all uncomfy cos im starin at u
Robin: fuck ur scarin da shit outta me
^^and den chris comes and sits and after a bit gets up
Chris: back in a sec
Robin: wherever ur goin take me with you
Delima:*evil laugh*

lol love doin dat.. yea and later hes like u need a restrainin order...me?...

nah!

okay okay well dats for da watever-s dat happened today and now for da moe important bits..
my new notebook is fillin up nicely.. still hafta create a cover for it
*ponders* bleah..
yea life is a bitch at da mo.. its jus so routined its annoyin me. i mean hell, so mcuh for livin.. but hey.. itll all be diff soon.

"i cant believe its happenin again. why? i mean i noe its sumthin never undone and yea never done up.. loose strings are everywhere and they are gonna be left untied. do i get a say? not at all. hell i shud be use to dat but i guess sometimes u forget forget to be on guard and den wen u find urself floatin with no way down u freak.."

we learnt bout all da mental disabilities in psychology. and your body creates a defense mechanism to help protect you from all the hidden threats.

regression repression denial...to name a few
cant say i dunt noe da meanin of dat

oh yea and you noe those dreams u get where in the dream your sure its real but its not a nightmare its jus a bad dream and its sorta surreal cos ur thinkin it so bad it has to be a dream but in the dream u feel that it cant be a dream.. and den wen u wake up.. da dream immediately fades.
its liekw en sumthin unexpected happens people will tell others to pinch them.. or they refuse to believe it claimin dat dey hafta be dreamin but think about it.. u always will noe ur awake cos u jus noe... like theres sumthin about reality.. maybe its jsu dat your body is more active so u actualli feel more and stuff.. i wudent noe. but i mean u can tell ur awake.. and then wen ur jsu normally dreamin and ur havina bad dream,

whilst ur dreamin ur feelin secured i mean it doesnt mean ur freaked by the terror that ur facin in ur dream but u do its a dream and its like a fall back security. somehow ur brain still manages to let u noe dat its okay cos its not realli happenin..

but then u sometimes get the sorta dreams mentioned above where u sincerely feel its actualli happenin.. and dis is common in short and uncomfortable dreams. like u noe wenu fall asleep in class and u dream dat u fall off a buildin and u shake as u wake up and realise dat its all okay..in those u always feel like its realli happenin and its interestin da way ur body feels da same way by the same jolt u get and by da way u jump jus as u wake. and it also happens in very few deams and wen u do wake up u cant remember ur dream at all.. u have a feeling but u jus dunt remember wat it was bout.. and later u get a weird feeling of dejavu.
felt dat?
i have
supposedly it has to do with da conditions in which u fall asleep and how active u have bin in da day..like if ur realli stressed out den ull tend to get those type of dreams..
weird.

bleah sleepy now.. haha ironic aint it.well fuck dat im out real soon..
and for da interest of noone, i shall say...
nuthin

The Prince of Cumberland! that is a step
On which I must fall down, or else o'erleap,
For in my way it lies. Stars, hide your fires;
Let not light see my black and deep desires:
The eye wink at the hand; yet let that be,
Which the eye fears, when it is done, to see.

the insanity of me

2004-05-25T18:04:00.000+08:00

okay get this.. i want da whole world to noe jus how evil my sis is... i do realise that this has happened a while ago but i jus hafta haf it down its jus so classic... okay get dis...

MUST READ~

me and my sis go to new world(cold storage equivalent) yea and were shoppin for food rite... yea den dis old lady comes walkin by.. she pretty oly id say.. like all crooked over and shit and she wants to get passed but our trolley is sorta blockin da way.

what else is there left to do?

she slowly pushes our trolley backwards(her forwards) to move it outta da way... and me and my sis were discussin da benefits of buyin sumthin or other and we suddenly realise our trolley movin rite.. and so we jus sorta stop and stare.
hafta admit i was pretty insulted cos i mean like yea lady a "excuse me" or a "please can u move ur trolley" wud haf bin cool... but no she jus pushes it outta da way like its her business.. so were jus sorta gapin.. and as she passes by im like
"step siak"
and mutiara is jus standin dere lookin half shocked and pissed.. but hey we move on..

and so we move our trolley futher down and were movin on and jus a weensy way ahead of the location of the prev incident... we see a trolly.

Mutiara:eh, dats da old lady's trolley rite?
Delima: yea... bloody bitch anyhow go and push our trolley away. who da hell she think she is?
Mutiara: basket ar.. she wants to push our trolley outta da way rite?...

*Mutiara goes up to da crooked old lady's trolley and she kicks it outta da way. HARD so dat da trolley sorta flies down to da end of da section*

and da next thing we see this old lady slowly walkin past us again, face stoned, and she walks to da end of da aisle to retrieve her trolley..
whilst we cackle away..
shes so bad rite? i mean hell even i wudent do dat and dats sayin sumthin. poor old lady did nuthin wrong i mean dat hardly counts.. so bad xia.. i bet shell go to hell.. so mean.

but yea it was funny u hafta admit. gawd i still crack up thinkin bout it... and u shud haf seen her face it was like so insulted lookin and she kicked da trolley away with no pity for da lady.. so convinced dat she had a right to. she was so sincerely offended.
lol

*ahh*
okay well dats done yea... haha so many kadak moments passed its jus most of then i shant rite in here cos den shed put up ones of me... and dat wud jus be total humiliation..
i have one last thing to say on da subject...
there is a burning sensation in my holeless penis
hahahaha
*double ahh*

well skool goin good... got okay marks for all my paper.. can say not bad la...im jus like watever at da mo... damn and today me and chris and robin got lunch detention for being outta bounds.. black mark xia... my innocent face. sad.
haha well it was gonna happen sooner or later... better get it over and done with so yea. twas fun. me and chris were writin notes to each other.. haha i made him admit dat he loved me.. well it was liked but im changin it to loved.. and yea dat he wants me and yada yada... he got me to say da same thing.. im still no fair cos he always manages to bum me out in da end.hmmph.
yea tried to include robin in da first part but he was very bleah.. so wat da hell..

anyway bin freezin cold here today... dunno why but bin tryin to keep warm. yup i am so gonna get a nice big winter coat.. hopefully.
yea well i was plannin on bein all dark and deep today but i jus realli cant be bothered..
haha ppl arguein on my tag board.. cute.
TIM!! dunt be mean la.. dis guy small je. haha ull way beat him... cute ar you. damn wen u do dese things i miss you more!! haha MAT KIWI so cute...

glad u liked ur music... love u.

well im out.. got nice music playin listen up...

now dat were here...

2004-05-21T17:13:00.000+08:00

i am so over dis...

tim broke up with me...*SobS* wonder wat he meant be competition?*coughs*

yea anyway on a happier note... well sorta happier note.. exams are over..OVER. and i think i did realli shittily...
shittily? hmm nice word.. okay yea it went real shittily. cos i think i failed at least accounts and psychology.. maybe more. no confidence in nuthin.

yea my mom jus called said dat she was gonna send muny for shoppin.. not sure how much but distinctly heard da word 'thousand' pop up.. WOHOO~
she mentioned other things dat i have a feelin has a connection to my dear darling sister.. uhuh shall say nuthin for da moment.. yea and i went to kwikimart and asked if dey had sam... dey said dey didnt. and da guy said he wud ask his boss bout importin it.. hmm interrestin..

u noe wat? i think i give up. yea i mean okay i noe i dunt i mean life goes on.. but have u ever wondered wats da point. i have many times

**
torn between two worlds.. its cold here and its never bin so lonely.but life goes on as it always does. empathy? i lack it.
maybe its time.. maybe it can onli get better? ive asked myself dat many times. change it might, but shall i stay or shall i go?
**

bored.ladida. oh yea yesterday was cool. me and lucy and raluca went to watch a movie. win a date with tad hamilton. twas nice and it was so fun cos we were with da whole concept of dis is a chick flick so lets make it realli gurly and all.. yea so we did da whole swooning and all. and yea it was jus generally nice and all..
watched da ring.. it reminded me of all da korean/jap/chinese freaky movies ive watched..
*smiles to self*
yes i do remember..

today? hmm. well it went okay i guess u can say we wasted a day cos wen we got up da sun was gion down.. btu we made da most of it.. i got da bloody road code.. im determined to learn howta drive. wait change dat. im determined to get my drivers lisence. yea dats better..
got our hairs done.. uhu its bin very girly. must admit. and den we took neoprints. uhuh bin deprived so we spent like a shitload of muny and had loadsa fun with it. yea i wud put it up but angelfires bin a real bitch lately so if it does go up.. den ill put it up in yahoo galleries or sumthin so look out for it.

and damn u ej! u jus ahd to go put a pic of my ass on ur site rite? gah the shame..

yea i love challenges. it makes u wanna win. i love winnin. it makes u wanna stay at da top. i love bein at da top. it makes u feel free. i love bein free. it lets u defy gravity. i hate defyin gravity. it makes me feel alone.

i noe i noe im bein real random today eh? yea well its not my fault ive bin like goin thru mood swings da whole day.

and i jus realised dat dis blog of mine sounds real bimbo-ish. well maybe so. but i dunno i guess i jus dunt like sharin my darker side..*gasp*(yes i do haf a darker side)

dis song? i love it and it was mine fore it was tiaras(for da record) its so appropriate. interpret dat in any way u want.

fuck i dunno wat to think im goin home to blog in my notie. gonna make a kickass cover for dat as well.
love me bitch. see if i care

exams sux

2004-05-17T18:15:00.000+08:00

god had my exam today... maths and chem..i might actualli pass which is wayy cool...

considering that i didnt even open a book didnt look at a single formula. diidnt do an ounce of studyin AND woke up late. even between exam wat do i do? i go and hang out.. sad.
dunt care im too lazy.

chris thinks im weird i cud so say da same thing to him.. yea cute he tot dat me and tiara were tokin in a diff language. sadder.

yea and im officially poor again cos im outta muny till wednesday.. or tuesday maybe evn..

tomolo english and accopunts. english we have to do a profile but i didnt even do da interview so im jus gonna make it up..risky i noe.. i did it on a teacher i skool. wth.. like i said i dunt care... and im gonna sleep in accounts not gonna bother. dammit it dey shud be pleased dat im even comin to skool dammit. yea

julian so adorable he sent me another email.. haha so cute.. i love da way he signs off but im jus bout outta ideas for replys..

and i wanna get lyrics to a song i have no idea about.. i noe how it goes but im not sure and i cant find it nowhere... hell.

blurred vision.. my contacts are gettin dry. dat means i need to go to bed.

**
dey cut my hrs... so sad im gonna be outta muny sooner now. but i made bread dat day. dat means i considered naik pangkat la.. not bad huh? trusted i wasnt dat good but at least sumthin rite..

and i still want a bf!!!

give up?me?? NEVER!!fuck ive bin alone for a loong time now.
haha guys here are different i guess.. not dat ...
nvm.
not here on da other blog i shall blog dis..
but for da mo... im at peace i guess.. it doesnt get much better den dis.

THANKIES to EJ!! thnx for tryin to create a new layout for my blog.. ahha and at least datll make it readable.. i say tryin cos i still havent gotten it but its on its way and cos deres not much u can do to make my blog look better.. its dat bad...(or dat good ;))

so yea.. hoping hoping.. damn u noe those times wen moments jus pass you by?

and you stand dere watchin and youre thinkin dat maybe you shud haf changed sumthin but it passes in such a dream like way that it feels like its meant to be and so you leave it... chances? i believe you only ever get 2 chances to make things right... and if after dat even if it gets right it will go wrong... but some say dat in dat case its not meant to be.. wat en?
so wat doesfate control..
and if we do make the change or if we do do dat sumthin totalli unexpected wil it change fate...

i mean da reason why we dunt do half da things we wanna do is because were too analytical of da situations.. we think of what will be affected and den we get scared and so on.. well i think dat fate has 98% control..when we experience those emotions fate is persuading us to let the 'inevitable' happen andmot of da time we do let moments pass us by... because we dunt live for da moment but dats another issue..da point is what if we jus suddenly did wat we wanted to do.. in that moment.. wat sorta effect wud it have and wud it ripple to such an extent dat we wiahed we had never done it.. and we try to hide wat we did or will it continue ripplin changin the proces of things. i mean its actualli interestin.. but if u were to ask me if id do it? hah. ill still say never. its jsuone of those things. u cabnt and dunt wanna test ur theories. and dats da way its supposed to work

dunt you see? yea i noe im a scaredy cat. but i cant help it(fate tokin again)
live for da moment?in my dreams perhaps.. and there it shall remain till the end

the great thing about it is u can subconciously arrange it in such a way dat u can recall it in perfect order.. and den u can change it.. its like playin out a story with a thousand endings. and u can lock some away.. u can be evasive and no one can pry into you lil keep sake box.
like i said: its yours and only your till da end

change? me? nah... wish? yea why not. dream? *smiles*
"dont you?"

hola

2004-05-13T21:18:00.000+08:00

whyd o i always hafta torture myself...
god i cant believe i do it but then again time after time i see myself repeatin the act
almost dejavu-like

i do wonder

"del..u noe dat dats da way it is... u noe it wont change so why do you stare. its almost like ur dissin urself. wait u are dissin urself... tsk tsk"

"but i stare because i hafta. to put things in perspective. to show me to remind me. i mean.. siaper la aku?(who am i?)"

pain? hah i dunt noe da meanin of da word.. nope im not in a suicidal i hate da world mode.. im not depressed either well not realli... i guess.
im jus fuckin tired. and yea everythin is sorta hazy
so xcuse da spellin mistakes and typos.

baq to wat i was sayin.
why?
i dunno.. and itd be okay if i didnt ALWAYS do it.. its like i cant help it but i guess i cud argue dat da only reason i stare is for the image of one but dats bull i mean if deres more to it deres more to it.. and i do notice it so its no use pretendin..

confusion reigns
but den again some interestin prospects are comin dis way.. id betta not elaborate. today was fun.. part frm skool.

duh.

exams start next week why do i sound like it is the least important thing on my agenda at da moment.
haha
I WANT A BOYFRIEND.
sorry tim darlin(fiance)
i mean 10 yrs is a long time

maye i shud do one of those telepathic message thingies.

haha sad.

yea and im glad i had coffee with tiara.. and we toked it definitely made me feel better.. well or da moment at least. cos yea was wonderin recently wat itd be like if i said sumthin and whether itd be okay or anythin..
guess its a weight off.

i have da letter 'k' and 'i' on my arm.. it was supposed to be more but i never got to finish da word. i want a tattoo...random i noe but i am random

lastly.. haha my ___ got some attention today
haha well he started it and i jus continued.. he is cute..wen he smiles esp. haha but den deres da classic.
gah fuck it watever

hallucinatin

ooh julian apparently loves da whole "loser, double loser" thingie.. cos its amusing. i dunt get it.nvm. dere are alot of things i dunt get..

and to hell u muthafouker.. if u fall u fall u WILL die and u cant get outta it or change it. live with it. heh. ironic.
screw u dunt blame others for ur mistakes and screw-ups

no brainer:
and i can still wonder why im so unlucky. im like surrounded by bad karma as says tiara.. personally it think its cos like wat tim and fazlie were sayin.. guys dunt normally like to clean up da mess.
(yes i still remember da sayin)

good eh?
kyarh.

fuck im out

2004-05-12T20:29:00.000+08:00

LOL~

!!!!

haha i cant believe it i feel like an idiot at da moment laughing at myself...well not at myself but at da com screen...

this is the best..ever!

haha i havent heard sumthin dat cracked me up so much in da last...well haha not dat long ago but wat da hell...
dis is so sweet!
i cannot believe dis...

*tries breathing*
*
*
*gives up*

haha okay okay its not funny i wont laugh...
*splutters*
well it goes like dis i was readin around blogs..went to a few i havent bin to in a while..apparently some ppl with very morbid lives are ona high.no i shant...it wud be mean to tell...
but its a fuckin crack up...and hell SPEAK OF DA DEVIL...(almost literally)
for all the times ive kicked you...and u tried to kick baq and failed..well dis time ive kicked u where u cant kick baq!haha sweet!i cant wait for da foto!!! =D

hmmm

2004-05-12T09:43:00.000+08:00

spending muny is so fun...
im not in skool today
a waste of brain space but i shall promise to study at home

a compromise?
hmm nice one

not dat i will
wat da hell at least i can tell da teacher dat...

oh shit macbeth forms were supposed to be in...
dammit
owel if i cant go means i cant go..

*waves hand at face*
oh my god i cant believe it im gettin MARRIED
bin tellin everyone.
and no ej im not gettin married to chris it jus so happens dat hes gettin married too.. i was supposed to be his jealous lover.
yea he proposed to dis gurl with a $2 dollar ring that he stole

we were decidin which was worse..da faq dat he stole it or da faq dat it was $2
i think most of da gurls went with becus it was $2

at least my fiance got me a 10000 dollar ring...=)
still havent set da date for da weddin but da guestlist is already huge
wonder where were gonna have it..here or there?
hmm..owel details later
IM ENGAGED!

wheee~

yea well bin goin crazee today...esp in da nite..we were laughin and scarin ppl
and i have publicist for my blog...whopee.
bingit je..my blog is so anti-baaland

fuck it well its my shit learn to live with it..
BWAHAHAH
(mutiara will understand da laugh!)

yea well gonna call my fiance later.
and i did manage to study today...jus a bit but its a start...
workin tomolo.
bleah

heard dat da glass is da front of our store broke so dey cudent serve ppl today...tsk tsk
pada hal da shop is onli like wat..few month old.?
thetic
yea speakin of which my mom wants to open one as well but shes still tryin to get da investors...
hmm wants us to work there. is dere anyway at all i can get outta workin or havin anythin to do with da bloody company..?guess not its following me but i shant complain cos its bringin in muny..rezeki
yea so workin tomolo skool tomolo wakin up early..

jus now**(the post was drafted and continued later in da nite)

studyin.listenin to songs
learnin how to do da moon walk was rememberin tim doin it and teachin me..

*moment of reminiscin*

*moment ended*

...
yea went out.came baq.had one,two. sharpened pencils...all 48.
went out.came baq.the third, fourth.went out.got questioned by the cops.waited.
walked past.then again.
dejavu.
pizza.insanity.passion green tea.
laughter. tummy aches and achin jaws. standin over the floor lights.
more insanity(not from us)
moer laughter.compromise..
still nuthin to watch
no smallville. sad.
goin home.

STOry Of My LIfE..

tis late and i hafta go call my fiance...sent da stuff off..
hoped dat he was dere...he wasnt so i still dunno who he is..

screw skool tomolo..i ahve to join the mindless and not to mention pointless journey towards freedom which involves knowin irrelevant stuff bout life and nuthin

seriously?
kill me some.

ps//im engaged!!

retail therapy

2004-05-10T16:30:00.000+08:00

i went shopping today!
haha im so proud of myself i actualli made muny and now im spendion it on things dat i will actualli see instead of havin it slowly disappear into nuthin as it usually does.. true normally i dunt haf dis much but still feels good

ive bin loadin up on clothes; warm clothes cos my wardrobe is so not warm..its all singapore clothes..uhuh so yea.
and i love technology! haha im listenin to da perfect10!! its wayy better den any radion station here. over here u cant evn make dedications i dunt hink.. so yea i made one but i dunt hink itll come up anyway(mine never do) yea well im hopin to get more muny soon.. and den ill be gettin even more shit! yay!

and den after im totalli fine and ive gone thru my wanna get list den ill strt savin but no worries cos wen da house is sold den ill get paid baq all da muny dat had to get used in da beginnin wen we were tourist here.. and den itll get paid baq and ill be rich again!

yea haa and i went to see da careers adviser today. it was actualli quite interestin cos e told me bout all da courses i cud take. most of which i knew wat i had to do but it was nice to have confirmation and to actualli get hand held material of wat ill hafta apply for and stuff.. and it was like halfway thru da next period wen we wrapped up but i didnt wanna go to accounts so i asked him howta get my drivin lisence..(im so gloatin)
yea so now i noe. haha and i got to miss accounts twice in a row..

sweet.

on da way home today was..uhh.. interestin.. chris is freakin me out.. he noes wat im thinkin.. yea he claims dat he can read minds. but its realli scary cos ill be strin at sumthin and hell jus say sumthi totalli unrelated like "ud better not" which normally wud make no sense cept it wud answer a question da i was askin in my head.. and its realli scary..

i will be like "freaky"
and i wanna say u noe like get outta my head which is ridiculous cos of course hes not in my head which makes its weirder.. and i noe he cant read minds but hes gettin realli close and its damn freaky!!

yea and bin seein more of da new guy...Robin
chris sayd he has da same bdae as me.. 2010 damn man he so stole my bdae! i dunt care im gonna find out wat time he was born. =)
he got a cute face ar.. wen he smiles and actualli u noe mixes in.. so adorable wen i asked him to give me a cute face and he did..grr haha

**whatever
**get the picture
**your a total super loser
**not a winner
**but a moron
**walk away

haha cute i finally learnt it! u noe it has all da hand signs in it and all.

*whines*
my daddy has gone home! no more nice cookin ad it was nice havin him over here... thou dere were da good and bad points but it was nice to see him and i miss him already..

dalast day was real cool.. we went to devonport and before dat we went to a sailing club for brunch.. it was with barry(da pervved old dude) yea and it was jus so nice u noe like how were so comfy in boat clubs cos were so intune with all da boat shit and stuff.. yea twas cool
felt almost like singapore and *SoBs* NEW YEARS EVE!!

instant heartpain

sedih siak!
and da rest was cool go see MuTiaRaS BloG

jus haf a few things to say..
1)cant believe we walked up da bloody fuqin hill! damn i felt like frodo and sam goin up da vertical stairs
2)da place smelled of fish and chips... like proper fish and chips!da authentic kind..
3)dey haf da best milkshakes around.. and da thick shakes!!

(dere was dis realli girly guy at da counter dat described da difference tween milkshakes and thick shakes; milk shakes haf milk and thick shakes are realli *makes a descriptive sucking and slurppin noise*)

haha like ui said
twas fun

my head hurst its either lack of sleep
or sumthin i dunt wanna think bout
hallucinations..
dellusions..
bleahh.

i wish..fuck misery im done

catcha on da flipside

2004-05-07T22:07:00.000+08:00

bo0

bin so damn busy with skool and work and goin out... havent even been bloggin..
yea well i have news..u noe my pink notebook dat followed me everywhere? yea well its has served me well and its time has passed but it shall remain with me to show the train of my thoughts in such unspoilt*rolls eyes* youth and diverse state of innocence*double roll eyes*

yup its completely full never thought id find da day..but it has come...and its bin well used i must say..i sorta dunt wanna get another notebook cos its like almost betrayal to my old well used one but guess i will and do it up jus as nicely..(hopefully)
i dunt noe why i get so attached to all my belongings.. yea and i mean everythin.. i cant help it and i noe its realli stupid but yea..
like even with my duck and my teddy..(yes i still sleep with da duck and i used to sleep with both)
like at first i had da bear rite? den i got da duck and by dat time da bear was all not soft already but i slept with both cos i jus cudent toss da old one aside and use da new one and id hug dem both so u noe like it wudent hurt their feelings..
and i felt so bad bout leavin da bear behind its jus cos it cudent fit in my luggage.. and before i left i gave it a big hug and said sorry dat id hafta leave it but i told mum to send it so no worries id see it soon

weird rite?

like even with my wallet it has served me so well dat i dunt wanna use a new wallet even thou da one im usin now is like so gone

its jus dis thig i haf like im not mad or anythin jus slightly off da mark..
yea workin tomolo.. why am i still awake and even better prowlin da streets??
haha i noe i noe well i needed da walk and da fresh air but i bet wen i get back ill be totalli frozen and yea be dyin to crawl into bed and sleep..
today it jus hit me...i can listen to da perfect 10 on da net!
so yea now im listenin to da top 20!haha so cool!!

yea well bin realli busy esp with daddy here but hes leavin soon.. and its definitely been gettin better slowly work is da best.. so fun esp at nite cept wen andrew comes in and complains bout stuff part frm dat its esp cool at nite cos julian is so random and he does all dese lil things..like last time we said we were bored and we asked him to entertain us and he did da can can

**can can can u do the can can can u do the can can...**
and he was doin da whole dance thingy it was so cute.. and yea he does lil hoppy dances wen sutmhin happens..
and he danced with da broom to "i believe in a thing called love".. cos wen we close we turn da music way up so it goes a bit crazy..

yea and in skool bin tryin to catch up on work which i let slide wen i was depressed and slackin...
yea so got to do dat

prob wont update till im free or till da exams are over whichever comes first...

catcha on da flipside..

2004-05-05T22:08:00.000+08:00

haha i did it...
yup yup.. changed my student i.d to read.. date of birth..20/10/1985
sweet!
haha i hope its okay to use..den can rilak ar..fuck esp after da exams..yea jus went out with my dad dis evenin he wanted to take us to some stuffy place for old fuddy-duddies...u noe da whole suit getup thingy...didnt like it much didnt even wanna go but i wudent tell him dat cos i noe he realli wanted to go...
so yea sat thru da meal and it ended up to be like a 230 dollar meal...i was thinkin dammit kalau aku nak gi takper but its jus such a waste of muny..

BECKS SUXX~~~~

sorry random...i noe..yea was called into work today aand i cudent come cos of da whole dinner thing wasted xia.. and skool was cool la cos today is wednesday... and wednesdays are always good yup was goin a bit mad today i dunno like was jumpy at times and den reall lethargic at others.. weird but yea on da whole i was jumpy...

scott has his nipple pierced.. we were tokin bout piercings and den we showed ours off den he mentioned he had his nipple done..so we were like show ar..den he malu ar cos hes not da worlds skinniest..(but hes not realli fat either)
yea and wen he showed us den all da gurls dere jus sorta like sub-conciously put dere hands over deir boobs...me included.. and we were all goin like ouch..

haha nuts but yea interestin stuff..workin tomolo and had fun with chris today... hope i go home with him tomolo..
c ya

2004-05-02T19:08:00.000+08:00

okay well an explanation for da previous entry... yea well my dad came over.. uhuh im like over the moon naturally and sorry to degrade the seemingly romantic tale of a broken heart findin love or sumthin like dat..
anyway
bin totalli in and out hafta go to skool tomolo but im still not all packed and stuf and i dunt realli feel like i wanna go to skool im still like wats da point of it all..
its jus so different and ive come to realise that the empahasis on studyin is realli important to me... like in singapore were told that even if the mid years is a total practise and that u dunt hafta actualli do realli well in your mid year they at least treat it like it is a proper exam and that it will somehow contribute..but over here its totalli different... their all goin at you about how its jus a practise test so no worries and all but its jus favourable on you doin well jus inca se sumthin happens and u cant take your NCEA..
and its jus takes away all the pressure and u feel like your not obliged to do anythin... its realli develops the carefree attitude.. and another thing i jus realised that i cud practically leave school rite now and continue workin at subway slowly makin my way up da ladder till i becoma a manager and so on and so fortha dn then i could open my own store and i cud haf my future laid out in front of me and be totalli well off..
and i mean experience is way more valuable than acedemic performance to a certain extent and esp if i owned my own business den i wud be my own boss and not hafta answer to my lack of qualification to anyone..
and u see if i went into subway... i mean ive bin workin with da bloody company since i was 13... u dunt get better experienced den dat... unfortunately on the other hand i do feel it will be a dreadful waste to miss out on sumthin like that and it wud be sad if i didnt get into my proffession of choice regardless of how enjoyable i find it workin at subway...
but movin on... bin realli friggin busy had to leave work early today so i cud go out with barry and it turns out dat he bruought us out to his place again... jus so we cud tok and wat not.. damn man if i had known i wudent haf gone.. haha i dunt think barry's daughter likes me cos i always tare at her and give her this i-dunt-like-u look cos she looks realli freaky like dis is not referrin to my whole disgust in kids thing.. i realli do happen to think dat she looks freAky esp wen she smiles while lookin down...
*shudders*
had to stomach so spicy curry takeout for dinner jus now.. haf a feelin im gonna throw it all up wen i get back.. yea and not onli that i got a fuckin shock jus now...
this guy was at the bus stop which i might add is facing the road and is not in any way secluded at all.. though it was slightly dim.. and dere was this dark-skinned guy sittin dere and it was rainin so hell we were walkin real fast to try to not get wet and stuff.. and he suddenly calls out to us and hes like"hey gurls.. do you noe wat da time is?"

and im still half walkin past him rite.. so i sorta backtrack and while im doin dat im thinkin-"his hands were movin an awful lot"
and then it hits me... but my sis bein da darling dat she is looks at her watch and tells him da time.. same as me cept im lookin at my fone and im not lookin up at him no more... and wen i do i sorta glance at him to make sure i wasnt seein things..
nope hes still wankin...
so i keep starin at my fone and im thinkin-"lets fuckin get outta here"
so i wanna run off but den he asks "and do u noe howta egt to balestier rd frm here?"

and my sis thinks for a bit and she goes"oh its ..."

da whole time im thinkin okayy...weird why is she jus standin dere tokin to dis crazy assed dude.. and i think shes tryin to act normal like nuthins happenin so i jus stare at my fone..

well shes bout halfway thru her explanation and den she suddenly goes "oh fuck!" and then to me "cmon lets go" and she drags me off..
its pretty humourous lookin at it in terms of her naivity and the sweetness for her to be lokin at da guys face the whole time with such ernest such that she didnt notice dat he was jackin off...

fuckin arse hole course after dat she goes on dis whole swearin trip and she wants to make a police report and stuff and wants me to go back and kick his balls and shit...
im like "forget it"

so yea

anyway part frm dat works bin cool... bin workin realli long hrs yesterday.. and today was workin with rajesh..(dis new manager guy)
he was sweet as in he was nica and all but he was a pain in da arse in the way that he got it in his mind that if ur supposed to serve den u do nuthin but dat.. so he didnt do a spot of work otherwise.. i mean hey... dibs for makin a sub in under 60s but hell i mean me and rashita were fuckin scrubbin da floor and doin like shitloads of prep and he was jus standin dere idly taokin to us da whole time.. uhuh and we like ran outta bread halfway cos he didnt bake enuff under the assumption dat it was gonna be a quiet day(it wasnt) and that we wud have enuff to last us(we didnt)..
basket
yea and we had like hardly any prep by da time we got thru lunch... but it think by da time we left it was okay as in we had generally stocked wat was needed.. and like wed panned bread and dey were bein baked and the wraps were okay to use again... at first we ran outta wraps too.. and wat we had left was frozen solid.
and of course dere was a pile of washin to do and da floor were not in their besty state but dey had bin re-swept
hell jus hope dat andrew-wendy-trudy arent pissed
not my prob anyhow

part frm dat.. well i think ive done all my hw so im okay for skool and ill be okay dere part frm da faq dat dad wants to go see my teacher...(check on my work-singaporean dad) and stuff.. but ive bin doin okay so im not sweatted bout dat..

and yea apparently i still got it... i wont say wat but its a nice feelin.. and yea was sms today alot shant say nuthin now but ill tell on later
ciao baby..

2004-04-30T22:55:00.000+08:00

words cannot express how i feel...gawd im still in shock...

its like a dream and u pinch yourself but u dunt wake up and u wonder whether it is possible that its not a dream but its so surreal that basic instinct tells u not to believe that its some sort of mirage that your brain conjured up from being too neglected.. and u wonder whether u can finally admit that u are goin crazy but its not a dream and u want to believe but ur afraid ull get hurt so u dunt and then it is real and emotion flood u and ur at loss for words.. and your mind is drawin blanks and you still feel like ur gonna go crazy but u noe dat at least u arent... and all u can say is "wat are you doing here?" you feel like there is a conspiracy goin on like ppl have bin plottn and then u realise that everyone knew and no one said anythin and den you amze at how dere4 is so much goin on without u knowin and then u feel like ur missin out and ur overcome by a sense of longin and the need to be loved and as u run to be enfolded in the embrace u are still uncertain but when the familiar scent falls around you and the familiar body holds you with complete love and understanding and you noe that u can never be loved in such a way and again u amaze at how u never realised this before and suddenly u are transported back to a time before.. before any of this.. wen everythin made sense before u were forced to grow..
and you smile because it is real and you are here.. and u are loved

no shit... like i said im still in shock i dunt think i can type it out now... im jus so afraid dat if i write it down as sumthin dat actualli happened as sumthin dat is a part of history as sumthin dat is real... dat ill wake up tomolo and realise dat its not..
but despite myself i noe dat i am right and that i am not dreaming and that this has realli happened.. and it jus feels so good.. so good for things to momentarily be right and normal.. and then after that it jus felt realli weird because the two dunt seem to coexist and now they are chucked in the same enviroment and i suddenly felt

strange

2004-04-28T19:54:00.000+08:00

Amatuers built the ark, proffessionals built the titanic

2004-04-28T19:32:00.000+08:00

today.
hmm.. twas cool.. hung with chris after skool. hes sweet real nice guy to hang with and stuff.. and im am totalli over blinn..(i think)
my heart still squirms a lil wen i see him but i can control it and itll go away if i tell it to..
haha skool was unexpectedly fine..had unexpected conversations unitentional understatements and laughter till da total end..
yup played pool with chris later on.. i won..well by right but i sunk da white ball as well cos i felt sorry for him and i was tryin to do da backhand thing(show off) yea den i sunk both.. den we jus hung round and waited for his bus..yep..
watched secret window...johnny is so HOT! i wanna get da poster dunt care how.. yea and on friday were goin out to dinner with moms fren... uhuh and hes gonan pass us a shit load of stuffies frm singapore...(KAYA!! and KINDER BUENO!!!!)
uhuh cant wait...might hafta blow off kerry again damn i feel bad.. yep and workin tomolo plus i haf a shitload to do..,.
why arent i doin it.. no idea..
lastly thank god i haf daniel..
i mean hell thank god for sanity...like i swear i wud haf gone mad without him..thankew daniel

like i said bout shit...jus hit me i dunt fuckin care... u cant touch me so dunt try
hell? hmm i think i can get used to da heat dere.. and at least ull be dere with me.. no sweat..
"i miss sam.. tis so sweet.. aku dah tak tahan"
fuck itd make me feel better..

and if u noe it dunt fuckin mention it here... if u wanna say anythin message me dammit.. think baby think.. haha
**moments of reminiscing**

**moment passed**
like i said hallucinations?
uhuh
dreams are bein invaded..=)
ull never get dunt even bother tryin..hehe
fuck da free world biatches..

2004-04-26T22:01:00.000+08:00

you know just when u think its all good da world come scrashin down.cant stand wen bitches fight... it makes me sick why bother goin after other to get to someone u want... im not in skool its started but im just not..cos i haf no muny to get to skool.. da parents dunt noe it thou hafta wait for my cheque to go thru.. its gonna take 5 fuckin days.. or hopefully sooner..till den i sit and bum..
got a nice email.. i replied and added him to friendster..
gimme a break at least it was sumthin..got told i haf no social life im still in denial..cant help it..
its bin rainin..
cold
we haf no food.. stupid country with a stupid system.owel
latest i go baq to skool is next monday i hope its sooner or else akward quns will arise..
fuck all da assholes who try to mess with my frens..

2004-04-16T19:32:00.000+08:00

no mood... u noe i never knew that furry stuff could grow inside the boiling water jug. shit

bin stonin all day have a crap ass headache. got a message jus now i though he was replyin but it wasnt him la damn..okay well u noe i shud be fine i mean why an i not fine its not like its a Him him its jus him. but him is -gah okay forget it

yea felt truly sick this mornin was havina long hot shower then sorta kinda felt like i couldnt breathe. u noe like one of those feelings like sumthin is crushin ur chest so dat u cant breathe yea i think it mgiht haf bin da steam sufforcatin me. yea den it went all swirly and felt like i was gonna pass out. and wen i took a step it was all weird i dunno like da ground was comin up to me.. so i jus plonked onto da floor drippin and all..felt da bile in my throat but i hadent eaten so i didnt think it wud be a good idea. jus sat with my head down and it sorta got better.. but bin feelin weird da whole day. needed to sleep alot. bin tokin crazy a bit..
gawd
did have a nice dream.. he kissed me! damn finally.. haha owel

hallucination?
uhuh.

furry stuff invadin my dreams. workin tomolo.
bloody hell

no muny no food i hate it here.. i wanna go home. home home. not this home
i think i took it all out on my dad. sent him an email. i was tryin to be nice and understandin. was rantin a bit hoep i didnt swear.ppl need to have a bit more faith in me. dat evil voice is spillin doubts into my head again i think its da lack of food and da oversleepin. feel like tellin da voice to SHUTTUP! keeps doubtin me.. thanks now im doubtin myself.

i made a fren today..im gonna call it IT..aka Cupcake
yea IT is a boy i think but hes not realli sure.. he likes to play with my hair he says its like a dolls.he likes dolls.. likes their glassy staring eyes. guess hes kinda a freak. i think IT's parents are adoptin another child a boy.. but hes not cute..owel.

hafta wake up early tomolo.. why am i awake..dunt noe. IT kept telling me to go to bed. think i slept to much
die! die u freak!
i like da colour black wudent it be cool if blood was dat colour..
hmm ppl partyin now.. i need to get a life

2004-04-15T20:31:00.000+08:00

was on danet chattin with saidah jus now... miss all da stuffies dats goin on..
hes not replyin
wonder why
cmon i mean i can onli suffer for so long rite??
hell fuck dis shit yea well hope ppl at home are all happy..

Hopefully next yrs course..check it

2004-04-15T20:25:00.000+08:00

okay dunt bother readin dat...its jus sumthin i had to put up...and i wasnt flirtin on purpose...cept for a few bits cos i was realli bored...

and im not tryin to out do my sis cos she was chattin with him cos i noe ill never win.. dis is jus for memory's sake
okay?
okay

god i tell u i almost died ond a bloody train it was so fuckin borin and cramped and terrible and annoyin and yea... it was puttin me in a horribly bitchy mood i still cant believe i survived it..im never takin it again even if it kills me so there.. i was like try to knit...yes u heard rite..

AHEM XCUSE ME I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT!!
delima officially noes how to knit! yup got taight by my very pregnant cousin and my aunty

...

NEWAE
as i was sayin before i was rudely interrupted..i was knittin and readin and dzin and piggin out and readin and knittin and staring at cows and sheep and hills and green...

green~GrRREEeeeneGREENNNEYgggGREeeEeNNN

im goin nuts
so i was fuckin bored even tokin to mutiara didnt help u noe i think im goin mad...u noe like realli slowly i think i need thearapy..and im not da onli one cos mutiara said da same thing but now its like wen i tok to her..
i dunno its like shes not another person anymore...shes like dis person in my head u noe

okay rite course u wudent noe and i swear im not mad!
realli but think bout it i dunno i guess its cos its jus me and her and its like everyday with her...like always and stuff like her voice is permanently attached to my head so now its hard to tell da diff...
grr...well if its not her voice its another voice.. ive bin hearin voices tokin to myself and all which is perfectly normal i mean everyone toks to dier head rite.. its jus sumtimes i do it out loud which gets a few weird looks..
damn okay newae da train ride...

gawd i shall not continue its jus too bad like u have never imagined...dammit man... and its so depressin comin baq to auckland again.. cannot tahan man i need to get out...i wanna live in wellington! its cheaper livin and its nicer mb a bit colder but everythins a bit more normal like how i wud xpect...gonna try to convince my parents.. wat da hell i mean it cant get worse rite...

yea was in da train smsin ppl... i think my fones almost outta muny.. dunno why*looks around innocently*
yea i jus replied to radens sms den dah start ar sumer.. den sms tim nice song lyrics... so happenin we were entertainin ourselves by singin la

**yes the other passengers DID want to kill us by da time we got off**

and den he goes all weird on me..okay well not realli weird weird but i dunno.. so hurt xia.. owel.. yea den afra sms-ed me and i was tokin to her gonna meet up with her hopefully if her uncle gives da go ahead.. and kerry..

i am officially stuffed with chocolate.. i swear i now feel sick at da merest thougt of sumthin sweet... cos wen im travellin esp in trains and planes i hafta eat... if not ill feel realli weird like i dunno like queasy but not like im gonna throw up so yea if i can i will stuff my face.. i was shovin pieces of chocolate down my throat cos it was da onli thing we had.. nuthin else so wat to do.. i didnt even taste it properly.and i kept askin mutiara to get more junk to eat..dunno why. i guess da faq dat i was bored mindless added to da need to pig out..
now im like livin in fear of gettin chocolate break-out
damn

oh and for da record.. KIWI TRAINS ARE FAR WORSE DEN MALAYSIAN ONES! now wat do u say to dat huh?

had fun in wellington thou... recap:

go there slept most of da first day and watched ned kelly-starrin orlando bloom! after dinner den da next day got polar-fleece jackets and polyprops.. went baby shoppin and went to da coast for lunch and had dinner at aunty maries new place... next day was easter had a roast and everone came over.. chocolate..(GaWd~)watched old home videos of us wen we were so little..monday wanted to go sailing and got all ready but it was too horrible weather everone came over to watch but since da sailin was off we stayed home and pigged on more chocs and played cards..(presidents and arseholes=daidee(sp?)) den dey all left and we watched donny darko eatin takeout cambodian food.. 2nd last day went sailin for 2 hrs.. freezin in da boat but got realli far *Mutiara Fell Outta da Boat* den came baq and watched da video made of us sailin by megan who was waitin on shore.. later had dinner at marie's place(fish pie).. tim called chatted for a bit watched queer eye and other stuff..gazed at stars and breathed out smoke.

last day went shoppin in town looked at a bit of baby products and went to da warf again took a shit load of fotos... pretty good i think had ice cream in da 15 degrees weather... walked round more had lunch at mr bun.. met caroline in da hair dresser got info on fashoin courses... everyone left us and we went to watch LOTR again at da embassy...!!!
yea u noe like da actual place it was premiered where all da star were walkin..
I SAT IN SAMWISE GAMGEE'S SEAT!! and i think mutiara was in frodo's u noe like where elijah wood sat in da theatre..yea so dat was cool had dinner wen we got baq and packed to go home..

now im depressed again.. damn la well jus hafta get thru..

we made up a song in da train..
(to the tune of Liquid Dreams by O-Town)
i dream about a guy whose a mix of Good Charlotte
just a little touch of Tom Welling
Viggo Mortensen's smile
throw in a body like Johnny Depp
youve got the star of my liquid dreams
(my liquid dreams)

not bad huh?

2004-04-12T13:43:00.000+08:00

M@tt says:
so that u look good in front of everyone else

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
okay u got me there..
but im sure dat we dunt like bein checked out..
too much

M@tt says:
sure do

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
anyway guys love it too

M@tt says:
love what?

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
so there
bein checked out...

M@tt says:
why not?
of course they do...
considering most of the time its the guy that initiates everyting

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
dats tradision..
old fashoined thinkin

M@tt says:
yah... but i like gals who initiate

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
dat guys hafta initiate everythin
haha..

M@tt says:
i like gals who konw what they want

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
but sumtimes gurls are jus used to da old ways...
not dat dey dunt noe wat dey want...
in faq most if da time they are very sure

M@tt says:
yah and sometimes guys are too shy as well

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
and dey try to get it...like dey initiate da signals to get a guy to noe dat deir interested and wait for da guys to do da askin
gurls are shy too...

M@tt says:
not all

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
haha well it depends on da scenario..
like if dere has bin no interest shown on da guys side da gurls normally wudent dare..
btu if dere was den why not..

M@tt says:
sure... it all dpeends on interest dont it
so how many guys chasing u at the moemnt?

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
haha me?
umm not many i dunt think...

M@tt says:
so many u cant count hey!

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
yea rite...
its more like not enuff to put on fingers..
haha dere are a few but realli not many..
deir all freaks i think...well in mutiaras opinion...
yea
haha da guy i want are all not here..

M@tt says:
why not?

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
or dey dunt even noe my name(i dunt think)
cos dey arent...

M@tt says:
then where are they?

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
left em behind wen i came here...
ummm..
singapore and other places...

M@tt says:
other places
really
all over the world hey

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
haha well ppl travel u noe...

M@tt says:
lucky u

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
haha i wish...
well im off but mutiaras gettin on so u can chat to her..
u take care okay?
and dunt oggle too much!

M@tt says:
will do both
it's inherited

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
haha sure....

M@tt says:
just make sure u find a good one
dont try and change a bad one
see ya

~DeLiMa~ and i so wanted to get a foto of him..! bald guys are cute..no qn bout it and gay guys are real sweet says:
haha ill try
see ya

2004-04-12T13:40:00.000+08:00

okay a quick update im in wellington...for da hols which haf jus started... and i am freezin my ass off.. got a few new jumpers to keep us goin thru da winter... compliments of our dear cousins...

wonderfully sweet ppl... love yall!

yea anyway had easter...finally had a oven cooked meal...THANK DA HIGH HEAVENS!!!
and now im sick of chocolate..bloody 1 kg easter bunny gawd not dat i ate it all id kill myself! haha but it was good and we were playin cards.. dai di(tai ti..or however its spelled!)
cept dey called it presidents and arseholes here..and its a bit different...

well ill be baq soon so dunt worry im not gone...feeellin sick rite now and chattin to matt!!!

im gettin off now... and ill be baq later to admin and shit

dunt haf any muny cos da bitches havent paid me yet!
THANX TIM FOR CALLIN ME!!
kisses to u and fazlie..haha
call again soon ya and enjoy da movie!

2004-04-07T14:35:00.000+08:00

okay to day was realli happenin man.. dere was dis like sorta big fight in sool during interval tween verity and josh..

for those who dunt noe..verity is dis realli adorable and sweet cute guy.. but hes gay..

and josh is da guy in my psychology class..

yea well it started cos like verity flirts with everone girls and guys alike and he was like bein all horny with josh... course he was kiddin.. but josh took it so seriously.. and he told everyone dat verity wanted to rape him... and den he said dat all da gays shud egt chucked outta skool.. which is reali mean cos all of em are realli nice and funny and cute.. yea i mean its liek anyother tyoe of discrimination..
verity found out and he wasnt too happy.. den in interval he was tokin bout it and like josh was jus round da corner.. so he goes up to josh and hes like

"u rapist! whats dis shit bout u goin round da skool tellin ppl dat im gonna rape u??"
and den he pours watter all iver josh and everyone is sorta laughin and gaspin.. but den josh goes mad and he like jumps round and slams verity gainst a wall.. like verity didnt haf any time to react he was so caught off guard...
and den verity pushes back and josh grabs his shirt and like pushes him into da rose bush..and den a teacher came out and like told dem to break it up..

poor thing xia verity.. and it wasnt even a fair fight cos josh jus suddenly lashed out..verity was so unaware of it.. and verity was like covered in scratches all over his face and all

and we all were standin dere and we were still smilin cos we were smilin at him pourin da water on josh and den it happened so fast dat wen it was done we still were all smilin xcept we were all like not thinkin it was funny.. we were all like walkin away and tokin bout it.. it was jus so weird... like i noe josh as havin his problems but no need to do dat rite? cudent stop da image playin in my mind da whole day.. tsk tsk violent xia..
and verity was so nice to me bout it... he was like sayin sorry to me cos he noes dat josh is my fren but he jus doesnt like josh...

and i was like "i think josh was wrong i mean he shudent haf said dat bout u in da first place dat was jus wrong and mean.. damn im on ur side in this man.."

and verity was like "awww... dat deserves a hug.." and he comes and hugs me..haha hes so sweet. but realli ar dunt think josh shud haf said dat i mean verity was onli jokin everyone knew dat.. and sayin stuff like dat is discrimination man..

yea newae part frm dat da day was fun but realli annoyin cos we had like 3 tests to day and we onli haf 4 periods so dere was onli one perion\d which i wasnt workin.. damn and i didnt study for anythin..bin slackin off lately.. havent bin doin any work or anythin i jus cant be bothered la.. yea so we jad a chem test yesterday and da day before i think i did okay for da written one but i didnt finish it.. hope i passed thou.. and today da english one i was quite happy with myself was da onli one dat wrote fuckin 2 pages so dat nes okay... and maths was a bit hard i didnt get da qn cos it was like bout coordinate geo & it was like wirtten as a qn bout a bench and den dere was dis under ground hose and pipe and dese piles and u had to do dis and dat...gawd!

so yea i did da whole thing but im not sure whether i got da last qn correct.. was not dat bad i guess.. could have done worse..and den i had accounts..
WHICH I TOTALLI FUCKED! haha not my fault cos dey do da PNL different cos dey use an inventory and dey do da balance sheet which i cudent do newae cos i didnt noe howta do da PNL.. but i did like da first 2 pages and handed it in with dis nice drawing on da 3 page where da PNL was supposed to be.

wat da hell skools almost out den i can go study and shit.. haha i was so lazy i wasn teven payina atention in physics..dey were like doin sumthin bout momentum but it looked pretty much like evctors so i heck care la

del repeat after me..
"i promise to study and do all my work during da holidays.."

okay and today i went to subway and gave my bank account no.. wen i got dere it was like jus hittin 4 so i think dat deyll pay me tomolo or da day after.. which means ill get it on thursday or on friday.. hopefully itll be tomolo la..
guess im gonna keep dat money so i can actualli say yes to some ppl who invite me out during da hols..
ive already made plans with afra and raluca and kerry...
yea shit

oh yea and on da way home dis like tipsy 17 yr old got on da bus and he sit behind us and he looks at me and goes.. "u haf nice eyes" im like thank u.. and he starts tokin to me.. and den tessa gets off da bus and shes lie u sure ull be okay and im like yea i think so if i dunt come to skool tomolo call my parents and tell dem dat i love dem.. yea but he was realli sweet.. for a half drunk guy.. yea he was like tokin to me and askin me stuff.. his name is junior and wen i said i had to go he was like "but i jus met u" and im like "well ill probably see u around.." and hes like "yea i hope so..can i haf a hug?" so cute rite? yea and den wen im gettin off hes like "i love u" and "i miss u" and his frens are all like bye..

oh and i brought mutiaras fone to skool today so i cud take a few pics of everyone.. u noe its jus my luck i brought my camera and he didnt come today.. but i got a few fotos of raluca and tessa and afra and her fren and i got some of chris but he went and made da dopiest crappiest face ever so spoilt la and also jeff but yea he kept lookin away..damn all da guy are all camera shy..
BUT HE WASNT DERE...
damn

sigh.. i think chris is cute.. not sayin dat i wud date him or anythin besides he has a gf.. yea but hes so nice and funny and adorable its hard not to like him..

haha tessa likes him too.. like she noes bout his gf and stuff but she jus has dis mega huge crush on him since god noes wen.. yea she was like tellin me bout all da guys dat shes liked.. yea sorta kinda told her bout HIM.. haha cant help it.. HES SO FUCKIN CUTE!!

no one else will probably agree with me cos like i haf a thing and da thing da i ahf well wen ppl get things like dat it sorta blinds dem a bit i guess..cos its jus dis thing dat makes me think hes hot even thou hes not which is him bein bald..
gawd i hafta get over it..

yea so part frm dat skools shit la..nuthin much goin on..pretty boring and all..i cant wait to leave leavin tomolo in da afternoon..yay! jus hope i get paid tomolo so we can get stuff to eat on da train.. if not well starve on da way dere..

yup deres still a chance to see him..not dat i think hell come tomolo i mean why wud he want to? and yea it not like hell suddenly notice me any more den he did da last time so why wish.. but well guess it makes for good eye candy...
see la i think im jus not fated la bring camera he never come..dammit. BLINN!!!!! where r u? pls come tomolo.. wanna see u fore da hols.. so at least im not deprived.. =)
not dat it will happen..well nuthin wrong with hopin

so if i dunt update no more dunt think im dead ill jus be in wellington and ill update asap okay? haf fun u guys and 3-8ters dunt study too hard okay?

love me and peace yall