i dunno if ill getr dere cos it cod change 15 min
here i am in da moment i wont hold baq im gonna leave it
u cant say it didnt happen u cant say it isnt true
cos im da one dats goin thru dis rite inh front of u
u dunt where this is goin u dunno how hard its gonna be
u get da stars approvin wen u wear ur heart out on ur sleeve
but im still standin here today in ur eyes im still da same and dey can take dat away
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
gah. im depressed i dunno why well maybe i do i have no rite to be thou.
yea i dunno why i feel like dat always its like if things are goin well btu i feel down ill feel guilty like i haf no rite to feel like shit cos things are goin good. well i mean on da surface dey are. i feel as if u noe if i laugh today and tok with frens im considered lucky and therefore i shudent bout other things.
twisted feelins?
definitely
i mean i dunno wat to say here.. cant realli say anythin yea dis is jus me and da whole i bottle everythin up and i dunt like to share my feelins.
am i realli like dat?
okay i dunt wanna noe... i think its da song and wats goin on i mean i guess its good like u noe finally wat ive bin waitin for but its not rite.. and after dis and dat and with me not lettin myself be at peace.
hmm
i dunt sleep well at nite lemme tell u.. and i can tok and laugh but its a strain and wen its not it doesnt go all da way down. its sorta further den da surface but it doesnt warm me up. its still cold.
and wen im alone i feel like cryin.
y?
i realli haf no fuckin clue.. hell if u do id be glad to hear it.. like ill jus sit and feel realli down and den ill do sumthin to try to occupy myself u noe ill sleep at weird times and try to keep busy btu its all such a drag
and its all a screen which im dyin to jus tear up.
but i cant.. it wudent be fair on others. it wud show weakness. it wud show dat im not wat i appear to be. it will make ppl pity me. dammit i dunt need it okay fuck u all!!
and finally and most weighin one, it jus wudent make sense and wud be totalli random and sumthin dat doesnt go on.
and dats wen it all starts. uhuh and i mean yea
fuck it.
i dunno i guess i jus feel like deres no purpose and its jus surreal. and den wen shit happens i hafta make it seem like it doesnt bother me wen it does.. and den i get real casual such dat its obvious dats sumthins wrong.. but dats for a moment and den i check myself andi change such dat im jus at da rite degree of enthusiasm and craziness
god i tell u i shud get a fuckin award.. its like ive bin actin thruout my life
its almost one whole big tv series...
im jsu so good at it it comes naturally and i hafta and now becos of dat i mean okay okay i noe case scenario
a person sittin dere unusually quiet and she suddenly starts sobbin.. ppl start crowdin tryin to make it better askin her wats wrong.. and den finally after a while dey disperse and think wat da hell? wat brought dat on?
shes norm not like dat?
u see i mean idunt like people to pay attention to me at a bad moment.. u noe its like i feel vunerable wen i cry and i dunt like to appear vunerable in ppl's eyes. experience tokin its not good..and i dunt lik people tryin to comfort me.. tellin me itll be okay and askin whats wrong. yea i m=noe it seems mean to say dat i mena deir jsu tryin to help but i dunt like it. and if dey ask wats wrong.. i mean wat da fuck am i supposed to say. i dunno i jus felt like it?
and den dey walk away with a confused opinion of me.
i mean i dunno i jus dunt like dat shit
and always before after sumthin like dat i feel like da world's fool.. no kiddin i feel so stupid and ashamed i wanna crawl up and die.
it jus rotates
my notebk is fillin up its got loadsa doodles in all pretty dark.. i dunno why but i jus like drawin dat... u noe like images of ppl curled up or in a position dat shows protection(?)
fuck i haf no clue aye..
ill blame it on da song
so to continue my superficial life.
u look up and see da birds fly
imagine da elation of bein up dere..
and sometimes wen a gust of wind comes at u u feel as if it wil lift u off ur feet.completely blow u away
and u close ur eyes to totalli let ur other senses guide u. u shake ur head to feel ur hair bin pulled baq and whippin against ur face. the cold on ur cheeks and in ur mind u ARE bein blown away transported, to another time.
me?
i think of the pantai ie jetti ie watever..yea u noe wen u stand at da edge and u look down. u feel da wind in ur face again and u feel so in control and like its u and all da forces of nature against watever is in ur path. and as u sit in silence and gaze out u are truly stuck in da moment and u dunt let go. u jus let ur mind run. thoughs passin u by. emotion washin over u but u somehow feel strangely detached. like waht is runni thru ur mind it doesnt affect u. its sumtin small and insignificant.. jus for dat moment
and wen u reach dat point u are truly soarin. like da birds in da sky u have reached a level of freedom in which u are not wat u think u are; nuthin is and u whizz thru da past present and as u reach da door dat leads to da future, u reach out and grasp da doorknob.
but it disintegrates in ur hand and as u begin to feel again.. surprise and realisation u are jolted baq to reality and the moment- passed;
has such the effect on u that u are flooded by mixed emotion.
fear, doubts, relief, contentedness, remorse..
u think things thru and u actuali feel wen u go over dem in ur head and u realsie dat u are in da future. da door dat u never got to open. has already been opened and dis is what u wud have seen had u looked thru and u realise it has become the past. and u are in da future..
time never stops. every moment is the present of now, the past of the next, and the future of before, there is no capacity for each... they are endless yet last no more then a second.
here i am in da moment i wont hold baq im gonna leave it
u cant say it didnt happen u cant say it isnt true
cos im da one dats goin thru dis rite inh front of u
u dunt where this is goin u dunno how hard its gonna be
u get da stars approvin wen u wear ur heart out on ur sleeve
but im still standin here today in ur eyes im still da same and dey can take dat away
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
gah. im depressed i dunno why well maybe i do i have no rite to be thou.
yea i dunno why i feel like dat always its like if things are goin well btu i feel down ill feel guilty like i haf no rite to feel like shit cos things are goin good. well i mean on da surface dey are. i feel as if u noe if i laugh today and tok with frens im considered lucky and therefore i shudent bout other things.
twisted feelins?
definitely
i mean i dunno wat to say here.. cant realli say anythin yea dis is jus me and da whole i bottle everythin up and i dunt like to share my feelins.
am i realli like dat?
okay i dunt wanna noe... i think its da song and wats goin on i mean i guess its good like u noe finally wat ive bin waitin for but its not rite.. and after dis and dat and with me not lettin myself be at peace.
hmm
i dunt sleep well at nite lemme tell u.. and i can tok and laugh but its a strain and wen its not it doesnt go all da way down. its sorta further den da surface but it doesnt warm me up. its still cold.
and wen im alone i feel like cryin.
y?
i realli haf no fuckin clue.. hell if u do id be glad to hear it.. like ill jus sit and feel realli down and den ill do sumthin to try to occupy myself u noe ill sleep at weird times and try to keep busy btu its all such a drag
and its all a screen which im dyin to jus tear up.
but i cant.. it wudent be fair on others. it wud show weakness. it wud show dat im not wat i appear to be. it will make ppl pity me. dammit i dunt need it okay fuck u all!!
and finally and most weighin one, it jus wudent make sense and wud be totalli random and sumthin dat doesnt go on.
and dats wen it all starts. uhuh and i mean yea
fuck it.
i dunno i guess i jus feel like deres no purpose and its jus surreal. and den wen shit happens i hafta make it seem like it doesnt bother me wen it does.. and den i get real casual such dat its obvious dats sumthins wrong.. but dats for a moment and den i check myself andi change such dat im jus at da rite degree of enthusiasm and craziness
god i tell u i shud get a fuckin award.. its like ive bin actin thruout my life
its almost one whole big tv series...
im jsu so good at it it comes naturally and i hafta and now becos of dat i mean okay okay i noe case scenario
a person sittin dere unusually quiet and she suddenly starts sobbin.. ppl start crowdin tryin to make it better askin her wats wrong.. and den finally after a while dey disperse and think wat da hell? wat brought dat on?
shes norm not like dat?
u see i mean idunt like people to pay attention to me at a bad moment.. u noe its like i feel vunerable wen i cry and i dunt like to appear vunerable in ppl's eyes. experience tokin its not good..and i dunt lik people tryin to comfort me.. tellin me itll be okay and askin whats wrong. yea i m=noe it seems mean to say dat i mena deir jsu tryin to help but i dunt like it. and if dey ask wats wrong.. i mean wat da fuck am i supposed to say. i dunno i jus felt like it?
and den dey walk away with a confused opinion of me.
i mean i dunno i jus dunt like dat shit
and always before after sumthin like dat i feel like da world's fool.. no kiddin i feel so stupid and ashamed i wanna crawl up and die.
it jus rotates
my notebk is fillin up its got loadsa doodles in all pretty dark.. i dunno why but i jus like drawin dat... u noe like images of ppl curled up or in a position dat shows protection(?)
fuck i haf no clue aye..
ill blame it on da song
so to continue my superficial life.
u look up and see da birds fly
imagine da elation of bein up dere..
and sometimes wen a gust of wind comes at u u feel as if it wil lift u off ur feet.completely blow u away
and u close ur eyes to totalli let ur other senses guide u. u shake ur head to feel ur hair bin pulled baq and whippin against ur face. the cold on ur cheeks and in ur mind u ARE bein blown away transported, to another time.
me?
i think of the pantai ie jetti ie watever..yea u noe wen u stand at da edge and u look down. u feel da wind in ur face again and u feel so in control and like its u and all da forces of nature against watever is in ur path. and as u sit in silence and gaze out u are truly stuck in da moment and u dunt let go. u jus let ur mind run. thoughs passin u by. emotion washin over u but u somehow feel strangely detached. like waht is runni thru ur mind it doesnt affect u. its sumtin small and insignificant.. jus for dat moment
and wen u reach dat point u are truly soarin. like da birds in da sky u have reached a level of freedom in which u are not wat u think u are; nuthin is and u whizz thru da past present and as u reach da door dat leads to da future, u reach out and grasp da doorknob.
but it disintegrates in ur hand and as u begin to feel again.. surprise and realisation u are jolted baq to reality and the moment- passed;
has such the effect on u that u are flooded by mixed emotion.
fear, doubts, relief, contentedness, remorse..
u think things thru and u actuali feel wen u go over dem in ur head and u realsie dat u are in da future. da door dat u never got to open. has already been opened and dis is what u wud have seen had u looked thru and u realise it has become the past. and u are in da future..
time never stops. every moment is the present of now, the past of the next, and the future of before, there is no capacity for each... they are endless yet last no more then a second.
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