wow.
its already apriil. it's a little hard to believe i suppose but then again...
school right now seems almost non-existant and my time is spent carelessly, mostly in town drinkin and smoking and drawing.
everyone says im fiending. but im not. we've had numerous discussions about this and i still slidly believe that as long as i have the choice to stop when i want im no fiend. or so i like to believe anyway. well at least i should be a bit more busy then i was wat with me starting work and everything.
i was so proud of myself i applied for 2 jobs and got both one 12 buck and hour one 13. yea im going to be rolling in cash... i did a trial at one and by the time it was over i was ready to keel over. i suppose it didnt help that i was drinkin and smoking the night before.
every few minutes i would check the time counting down the minutes till i could go. now i remember why i hate working so much. but hey its got to be done i just have to stay dedicated
that day in fact was one of the longest i've had in a long while. a 24 hour day. when i finally finished and practically dumped myself in the back of the bus, my eyes were fighting to stay open. i got home nd collapsed on the couch for a little while and then got woken up for dinner. fish. managed a few mouthfuls but that was it. and then i had a shower and we all got ready to go out. armed with what was left of our fifty bag of weed and 4 bottles of spirits, we went back into town to evans' place and started drinking and smoking. the numbness of it all was the best medicine.. we watched an awesome movie.
misery.
it was wonderful. she is one of the best villains i've seen to date and they have and awesome hardcore fighting scene. the ending the last few seconds were the best.
then came the flood of txt messages. so me and ej left for k rd to go meet rory and the gang. we had another sesh in the carpark on k rd, people kept walking in and disturbing us.. so you know i blamed it all on ej not taking his medication.. finally da guys got there all dressed out in their skinny jeans and leather jackets, studds and tears everywhere.
and we walked all the way to the bottom of town, after skulling back the remains of the alcohol. my god it was a long walk.. and it was pouring with rain..
i looked like a drenched chicken i was soaked and everyone was like "arent u cold?"
no.. came the brave reply. i actually had all the drugs in my system to thank for that i didn't feel cold not in the least jus really realli numb. i wore rory's jacketr for a bit which weighed a ton and the jamie's jacket.
everyone had a problem with them seriously so many people offered a fight. i think it was jus the whole punk thing.. one guy took a bag of paper (???) and hit rory over da head like it would hurt him. this was right on queen st and so jr. went up to him and was like "chill out we werent talking about your missus" and da guy still wanted to scrap so jr hooked him pulled his shirt over his head and kept hittin him.. its amazing how fast crowds form when there's something to see. within a minute there was a full circle surrouding them. security came and broke them up and we kept walking.
"fuck you niggas" (or something along those lines) sounded from the inside of a cab. and there low and behold was daniel. everyone sorta crowded round da cab and started talking. then they exchanged numbers. a few guys in a car behind da cab started honking and giving us the finger telling us to get outta the way.
finally finally we got down and into a car, we got a ride back up town and went back to evans' place, have another sesh and finally get up to go at 8 in the morning.
what a night..
i have also just come to the realisation that all the guys i have bin out with are good for nothing loser with no depth to them whatsoever. a bunch of bastard s all of them.
steve is officially over i never ever want to see him again partly the reason for me wanting to feel completely numb. the fucker hit me. he's so violent. we were in his car and he grabbed me. i was like fuck off let me go. but he jus kept holding me. so i paniced and i grabbed his throat. i was like get the fuck off me. i got away and he sticks his face out the car and calls every beautiful name under the sun.. and of course the next day he wants to come over and talk about it like everythings okay and like he never did anything
. i wish i had done more. i wanted to walk back down and break his fucking nose but then his massive sister will probably come knock on my door again and go
"ah.. u fucking hit my bro.. ah.. now im a gonner break u up bro, im gangsta dunt fuck with my fanau. ill call my mongrel mob gangstas to come bash u in ah"
fuck u cunt. fuck u steve. fuck u for hitting me. fuck u for feeling so insecure with me that u have to resort to violence and the need to control me to make me passive so you can completely own me. you dont own me you never did i gave up and tried so much for you but you will never get me. i hate u.
ever since then i've been so on edge with people doing things to me when i tell them not to. sorry ej man.. i didn't mean to slap you so hard, i just hate being slapped no matter how light and all i saw was a red hot white light.. and i just yea. i dont know. sorry
i think i should put up some off my work on deviant art... jus to i dont know, get into the artist circle and see what people actually think of my work
anyway im off to work soon for a trial so wish me luck
its already apriil. it's a little hard to believe i suppose but then again...
school right now seems almost non-existant and my time is spent carelessly, mostly in town drinkin and smoking and drawing.
everyone says im fiending. but im not. we've had numerous discussions about this and i still slidly believe that as long as i have the choice to stop when i want im no fiend. or so i like to believe anyway. well at least i should be a bit more busy then i was wat with me starting work and everything.
i was so proud of myself i applied for 2 jobs and got both one 12 buck and hour one 13. yea im going to be rolling in cash... i did a trial at one and by the time it was over i was ready to keel over. i suppose it didnt help that i was drinkin and smoking the night before.
every few minutes i would check the time counting down the minutes till i could go. now i remember why i hate working so much. but hey its got to be done i just have to stay dedicated
that day in fact was one of the longest i've had in a long while. a 24 hour day. when i finally finished and practically dumped myself in the back of the bus, my eyes were fighting to stay open. i got home nd collapsed on the couch for a little while and then got woken up for dinner. fish. managed a few mouthfuls but that was it. and then i had a shower and we all got ready to go out. armed with what was left of our fifty bag of weed and 4 bottles of spirits, we went back into town to evans' place and started drinking and smoking. the numbness of it all was the best medicine.. we watched an awesome movie.
misery.
it was wonderful. she is one of the best villains i've seen to date and they have and awesome hardcore fighting scene. the ending the last few seconds were the best.
then came the flood of txt messages. so me and ej left for k rd to go meet rory and the gang. we had another sesh in the carpark on k rd, people kept walking in and disturbing us.. so you know i blamed it all on ej not taking his medication.. finally da guys got there all dressed out in their skinny jeans and leather jackets, studds and tears everywhere.
and we walked all the way to the bottom of town, after skulling back the remains of the alcohol. my god it was a long walk.. and it was pouring with rain..
i looked like a drenched chicken i was soaked and everyone was like "arent u cold?"
no.. came the brave reply. i actually had all the drugs in my system to thank for that i didn't feel cold not in the least jus really realli numb. i wore rory's jacketr for a bit which weighed a ton and the jamie's jacket.
everyone had a problem with them seriously so many people offered a fight. i think it was jus the whole punk thing.. one guy took a bag of paper (???) and hit rory over da head like it would hurt him. this was right on queen st and so jr. went up to him and was like "chill out we werent talking about your missus" and da guy still wanted to scrap so jr hooked him pulled his shirt over his head and kept hittin him.. its amazing how fast crowds form when there's something to see. within a minute there was a full circle surrouding them. security came and broke them up and we kept walking.
"fuck you niggas" (or something along those lines) sounded from the inside of a cab. and there low and behold was daniel. everyone sorta crowded round da cab and started talking. then they exchanged numbers. a few guys in a car behind da cab started honking and giving us the finger telling us to get outta the way.
finally finally we got down and into a car, we got a ride back up town and went back to evans' place, have another sesh and finally get up to go at 8 in the morning.
what a night..
i have also just come to the realisation that all the guys i have bin out with are good for nothing loser with no depth to them whatsoever. a bunch of bastard s all of them.
steve is officially over i never ever want to see him again partly the reason for me wanting to feel completely numb. the fucker hit me. he's so violent. we were in his car and he grabbed me. i was like fuck off let me go. but he jus kept holding me. so i paniced and i grabbed his throat. i was like get the fuck off me. i got away and he sticks his face out the car and calls every beautiful name under the sun.. and of course the next day he wants to come over and talk about it like everythings okay and like he never did anything
. i wish i had done more. i wanted to walk back down and break his fucking nose but then his massive sister will probably come knock on my door again and go
"ah.. u fucking hit my bro.. ah.. now im a gonner break u up bro, im gangsta dunt fuck with my fanau. ill call my mongrel mob gangstas to come bash u in ah"
fuck u cunt. fuck u steve. fuck u for hitting me. fuck u for feeling so insecure with me that u have to resort to violence and the need to control me to make me passive so you can completely own me. you dont own me you never did i gave up and tried so much for you but you will never get me. i hate u.
ever since then i've been so on edge with people doing things to me when i tell them not to. sorry ej man.. i didn't mean to slap you so hard, i just hate being slapped no matter how light and all i saw was a red hot white light.. and i just yea. i dont know. sorry
i think i should put up some off my work on deviant art... jus to i dont know, get into the artist circle and see what people actually think of my work
anyway im off to work soon for a trial so wish me luck
3 Comments:
Interesting predicament you've put yourself into. Why not try going a month or two without taking any drugs, or alcohol? You might find it will clear your head and stop your from being so adolescently foolish and irrational. Although then again, perhaps a change of scene and surrounding yourself by people who aren't from a pathetically juvenile background might help influence you slightly better.
And you say that you've never had any good boyfriends? Why not paying the ones you've had a visit and seeing how they are now? You might be pleasently surprised to find that a relationship you had 5 years ago might present you with a friendship worth keeping...
Just a suggestion.
V.
yea isuppose but the drugs and the alcohols is whats getting me through all this so why would i stop? and the only way im going to get over anything is by surrounding myself with ppl that care and support m.. as for seein all my exs.. well i have bin daniel jus showed up and announced that hes goin down to hamilton for how ever long.. steve called up and says hes sick and he misses me.. jakes in london and hates my guts and anyone in between i suppose doesnt realli count.. so i think dats covered thanks for da advice but hey...
im havin too much fun
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