all men are bastards. its as simple as hat and i refuse to let them torture me anymore. well they don't really most of the time i remain un-affected but not all.
how do you compete with something that is beyond measure? it's just not possible. it's like why even bother trying...if you really think about it, it happened at the time i was most assured that i could be happy. talk about fast turn around.
always the re-bound. i think i have a very self-destructive nature. it's almost like i dig these people up, you know. just so they can torment me. maybe i do need help.. and it's slowly been getting worse. i'm starting to sink. i can feel it.
i feel panicked and claustrapobic, like i can't breathe, can't move, can't turn.
i need a change. i just don't know if i need that sort of change. everything causes a domio effect. loose one, you loose it all and hen the peices come tumbling down. And that is the last thing i need right now. i could always leave and never come back. but i can' do that, it would just be stupid.
i fucking hate secrets, i hate havng to keep them because of the repercussions and i hate being left in the dark. okay so fine, i can completely relate to the whole situation, really i can which really fucks me up. Because on one side it hurts. it really hurts, because i just thought i could stop worrying. Not because it means its me all the way, just that it means i can just be myself and know that that is good enough.
bu it's never good enough right? Me just being me can never match up. And it's true. The other side of me that see from a bird eye view know's its true. i'm so young, what do i have to offer? Why am i better? And i'm not and what he is thinking is perfectly normal, it's almost cliche. it should mean nothing, but why does it feel like it doesn't.
And i'm just supposed to be okay with it, beacuse i'm just here for the ride, and to be piggy-back up the stairs. Because i don't stand on the same level. Because im low. And what happens after a couple of years? After he decides that he's had enough? What then? He just tells me to get lost... I might as well save us all precious time and do it now. But it must have been the same when the roles were reversed. i can just imagine. its always like that, you're always connected.
But i can't, i never could, i've always just waited, waited till i kena halau. Even wen the worst came round, i just waited. i just couldn't tear away. Maybe i like this? this getting hurt... And i always know when it's going to happen i can always feel it, i deny it for a little while, and then it happens and i feel like shit and i tell myself that i told myself and what else could i have expected, really.
So from now on, it's just a wall. i've let down my guard wayy to much lately. I'm becoming soft. What happened to the me who just let go? who lived for herslf and loved those that helped her through and through. instead of fucking living for someone else, walking the line of the leash and keeping quiet when asked for a dance.
A line for every lesson learnt.
Everytime time i want, everytime i become a part of something, everytime i hurt myself, i hurt myself. and now another line over the lines, defining it.
Should i even bothe this time, it's strange but this is so blurry yt it hurts me more than anything could have. why didn't i know apart from what i aready knew from myself. It's crazy how i actually know that these things are going to happen. i almost thought i was wrong for a while there, and yet here i stand righted.
Enough already.
i will stay, i have no choice, but nothing touches me, nothing comes close to my heart. no warmth will reach my eyes. Why do i have to do this. And i'm still waiting, but now my trust is broken. now i'm waiting for the end. maybe it was just a stage but it can happen again. and yes, i am guilty but at the same time i care.
2 peas in a pod.
how do you compete with something that is beyond measure? it's just not possible. it's like why even bother trying...if you really think about it, it happened at the time i was most assured that i could be happy. talk about fast turn around.
always the re-bound. i think i have a very self-destructive nature. it's almost like i dig these people up, you know. just so they can torment me. maybe i do need help.. and it's slowly been getting worse. i'm starting to sink. i can feel it.
i feel panicked and claustrapobic, like i can't breathe, can't move, can't turn.
i need a change. i just don't know if i need that sort of change. everything causes a domio effect. loose one, you loose it all and hen the peices come tumbling down. And that is the last thing i need right now. i could always leave and never come back. but i can' do that, it would just be stupid.
i fucking hate secrets, i hate havng to keep them because of the repercussions and i hate being left in the dark. okay so fine, i can completely relate to the whole situation, really i can which really fucks me up. Because on one side it hurts. it really hurts, because i just thought i could stop worrying. Not because it means its me all the way, just that it means i can just be myself and know that that is good enough.
bu it's never good enough right? Me just being me can never match up. And it's true. The other side of me that see from a bird eye view know's its true. i'm so young, what do i have to offer? Why am i better? And i'm not and what he is thinking is perfectly normal, it's almost cliche. it should mean nothing, but why does it feel like it doesn't.
And i'm just supposed to be okay with it, beacuse i'm just here for the ride, and to be piggy-back up the stairs. Because i don't stand on the same level. Because im low. And what happens after a couple of years? After he decides that he's had enough? What then? He just tells me to get lost... I might as well save us all precious time and do it now. But it must have been the same when the roles were reversed. i can just imagine. its always like that, you're always connected.
But i can't, i never could, i've always just waited, waited till i kena halau. Even wen the worst came round, i just waited. i just couldn't tear away. Maybe i like this? this getting hurt... And i always know when it's going to happen i can always feel it, i deny it for a little while, and then it happens and i feel like shit and i tell myself that i told myself and what else could i have expected, really.
So from now on, it's just a wall. i've let down my guard wayy to much lately. I'm becoming soft. What happened to the me who just let go? who lived for herslf and loved those that helped her through and through. instead of fucking living for someone else, walking the line of the leash and keeping quiet when asked for a dance.
A line for every lesson learnt.
Everytime time i want, everytime i become a part of something, everytime i hurt myself, i hurt myself. and now another line over the lines, defining it.
Should i even bothe this time, it's strange but this is so blurry yt it hurts me more than anything could have. why didn't i know apart from what i aready knew from myself. It's crazy how i actually know that these things are going to happen. i almost thought i was wrong for a while there, and yet here i stand righted.
Enough already.
i will stay, i have no choice, but nothing touches me, nothing comes close to my heart. no warmth will reach my eyes. Why do i have to do this. And i'm still waiting, but now my trust is broken. now i'm waiting for the end. maybe it was just a stage but it can happen again. and yes, i am guilty but at the same time i care.
2 peas in a pod.
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