Good morning one and all,
The time passes in a mist of normality. Average Joe, with an average job, with average pay and an average life.
So not what I am looking for. What ever happened to the knights in shining armour come to take me to a far-away land on his dazzling, white stallion where I lead the kingdom as a kind and just princess in the biggest castle there ever was. And naturally, live happily ever after.
Times have changed, the leaves fall. Uncertainties arises, dwindling questions are still left un-answered. I felt it on New Years. This year, 2007, is a year of mental development for me. And it has definitely proven challenging. Things don’t just come and go. They come and tell their friends and so on and so forth. And sometimes it all becomes a bit too much. I am what I have achieved, and what pray tell is that?
I fell to a near-death low not to long ago. Nothing ever changes on the outside, just on the inside. I haven’t been updating my blog because sometimes it is just to painful to stop and reflect on everything, the comings and goings, the problems topped off with more problems. It becomes easier to just not think about it just numbly experience it.
Like a lone swimmer in the middle of the pacific. They don’t know whether they are going to get rescued, how long they have to keep swimming for, where they will end up, what they will do if they do finally reach land, whether they should keep trying. They know they are tired but they don’t even try to swim. They just keep moving their arms, keep floating, because it is the only thing that they can do. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.
Lately, it has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Travelling at the speed of light you can’t really see of hear, you can just feel the pit of your stomach rising and falling as adrenaline surges through your body in warm rushes.
I feel like I need to start from the beginning. Go back to a new, clean slate. Leave everything I know here, well here, I guess. Everything. I have been entertaining that thought. But… (And there’s always a BUT.)
Sometimes, or more that sometimes, I long for the naivety I had. It seems like a lifetime ago, though I cannot even begin to leaf through the pages that hold such drastic changes and abruptions to what I use to know. It’s a lifetime in a snow globe. What I can see or remember is a mere snapshot of the turmoil of emotions contained.
Things are seemingly looking up. Well, I suppose everything looks up when you are standing on ground-zero, in the eye of the storm looking up.
Everything is beginning and ending at the same time. I am standing on shifting ground. I did a painting based on the particular feeling of looking up from the eye of the storm. I am going to call it ground-0.
I’m working at the Letterbox Channel now, an organization that is part of New Zealand Post. I handle a portfolio of clients that would like to use the Letterbox Channel to deliver their unaddressed mailers (junk mail) and they come to meet to sort out their problems and get their upcoming flyer drops booked. It is definitely not a boring job. It is one of those think-on-your-feet sort of jobs. It is interesting (the only word I can ever think of using to describe my line of work.)
The pay packet is not exactly the greatest though.
But you know, one step at a time huh?
Been having a few serious talk.
GUYS=TROUBLE it’s very simple and it’s the way things go. No wonder I stayed away or so long… But I guess you can’t run forever huh? I am happy where I am now. There are a few bumps in the night (all kinds) but nothing unusual. It’s hard because I’m so stressed and he’s so stressed, which doesn’t make for a very stressed-free environment. I’m just taking it day by day. If it ends then it ends. Of course that means I have no place to live and no where to go but I’ll deal with that when it gets to that. Which is hopefully not anytime in the near, near future.
It has always been; What ever goes, goes… Do I really want that? Well see I was thinking about this and originally, I thought, no… But somehow, I just can’t seem to close my eyes and make everything disappear. I don’t want to. And every time I open my eyes, and he’s smiling it just starts all over again. I keep trying to push him to push me away. It feel like a knife hanging over my neck and it’s like ”For fuck’s sake, just chop it off already!”. Anything and everything is a sign that I am unwanted, just because it is me. Because who would want me? Why me…?
I am one big ball of denial. Even on the way to Singapore., I knew it was concrete that I was going, unseen circumstances aside. Even factoring those in, I was still going. I might just be delayed. But the whole time; On the way to the airport, on the plane, in Brunei – the whole way I had no idea where I was going. And I was scared. Scared that things would be different. That every past memory I had known would have magically been wiped out and when I got there, the vision I had would simply be a foggy blur of the city I re-invented in my dream. And the real Singapore would, have become part of what I was used to from living in Auckland. A dank, city full of grey shades and washed-out colours of life.
Still living in denial. Everything of what could possibly mean by this will all crumble and turn into something grey and sour. Something painful that I would be forced to deal with and I am so scared that it will happen again. That it’s not everything else, it’s me. I don’t think I could handle that. Not this time.
I have been dying to let all this out. All the words, be it nonsense or otherwise. I have had no one to talk to and whenever anything wanted to come out I would squeeze it into an air-tight container and lock it away, some where dark and dusty and maybe if I just moved on I would forget that it even existed. And if it doesn’t exist, it can’t hurt you – right?
It has been great though. It has been a wonderful ride. And his eyes are so soft. His appearance so capturing, dishevelled yet composed in a very artistic sort of way. The humour, and the child-like playfulness. The ferocious spirit.
Time is a-wasting and I have no work to do but want to look like I have work to do. And were not allowed to jump on to the internet as much as I have.
Whoops.
The time passes in a mist of normality. Average Joe, with an average job, with average pay and an average life.
So not what I am looking for. What ever happened to the knights in shining armour come to take me to a far-away land on his dazzling, white stallion where I lead the kingdom as a kind and just princess in the biggest castle there ever was. And naturally, live happily ever after.
Times have changed, the leaves fall. Uncertainties arises, dwindling questions are still left un-answered. I felt it on New Years. This year, 2007, is a year of mental development for me. And it has definitely proven challenging. Things don’t just come and go. They come and tell their friends and so on and so forth. And sometimes it all becomes a bit too much. I am what I have achieved, and what pray tell is that?
I fell to a near-death low not to long ago. Nothing ever changes on the outside, just on the inside. I haven’t been updating my blog because sometimes it is just to painful to stop and reflect on everything, the comings and goings, the problems topped off with more problems. It becomes easier to just not think about it just numbly experience it.
Like a lone swimmer in the middle of the pacific. They don’t know whether they are going to get rescued, how long they have to keep swimming for, where they will end up, what they will do if they do finally reach land, whether they should keep trying. They know they are tired but they don’t even try to swim. They just keep moving their arms, keep floating, because it is the only thing that they can do. There’s no rhyme or reason to it.
Lately, it has been a bit of a rollercoaster ride. Travelling at the speed of light you can’t really see of hear, you can just feel the pit of your stomach rising and falling as adrenaline surges through your body in warm rushes.
I feel like I need to start from the beginning. Go back to a new, clean slate. Leave everything I know here, well here, I guess. Everything. I have been entertaining that thought. But… (And there’s always a BUT.)
Sometimes, or more that sometimes, I long for the naivety I had. It seems like a lifetime ago, though I cannot even begin to leaf through the pages that hold such drastic changes and abruptions to what I use to know. It’s a lifetime in a snow globe. What I can see or remember is a mere snapshot of the turmoil of emotions contained.
Things are seemingly looking up. Well, I suppose everything looks up when you are standing on ground-zero, in the eye of the storm looking up.
Everything is beginning and ending at the same time. I am standing on shifting ground. I did a painting based on the particular feeling of looking up from the eye of the storm. I am going to call it ground-0.
I’m working at the Letterbox Channel now, an organization that is part of New Zealand Post. I handle a portfolio of clients that would like to use the Letterbox Channel to deliver their unaddressed mailers (junk mail) and they come to meet to sort out their problems and get their upcoming flyer drops booked. It is definitely not a boring job. It is one of those think-on-your-feet sort of jobs. It is interesting (the only word I can ever think of using to describe my line of work.)
The pay packet is not exactly the greatest though.
But you know, one step at a time huh?
Been having a few serious talk.
GUYS=TROUBLE it’s very simple and it’s the way things go. No wonder I stayed away or so long… But I guess you can’t run forever huh? I am happy where I am now. There are a few bumps in the night (all kinds) but nothing unusual. It’s hard because I’m so stressed and he’s so stressed, which doesn’t make for a very stressed-free environment. I’m just taking it day by day. If it ends then it ends. Of course that means I have no place to live and no where to go but I’ll deal with that when it gets to that. Which is hopefully not anytime in the near, near future.
It has always been; What ever goes, goes… Do I really want that? Well see I was thinking about this and originally, I thought, no… But somehow, I just can’t seem to close my eyes and make everything disappear. I don’t want to. And every time I open my eyes, and he’s smiling it just starts all over again. I keep trying to push him to push me away. It feel like a knife hanging over my neck and it’s like ”For fuck’s sake, just chop it off already!”. Anything and everything is a sign that I am unwanted, just because it is me. Because who would want me? Why me…?
I am one big ball of denial. Even on the way to Singapore., I knew it was concrete that I was going, unseen circumstances aside. Even factoring those in, I was still going. I might just be delayed. But the whole time; On the way to the airport, on the plane, in Brunei – the whole way I had no idea where I was going. And I was scared. Scared that things would be different. That every past memory I had known would have magically been wiped out and when I got there, the vision I had would simply be a foggy blur of the city I re-invented in my dream. And the real Singapore would, have become part of what I was used to from living in Auckland. A dank, city full of grey shades and washed-out colours of life.
Still living in denial. Everything of what could possibly mean by this will all crumble and turn into something grey and sour. Something painful that I would be forced to deal with and I am so scared that it will happen again. That it’s not everything else, it’s me. I don’t think I could handle that. Not this time.
I have been dying to let all this out. All the words, be it nonsense or otherwise. I have had no one to talk to and whenever anything wanted to come out I would squeeze it into an air-tight container and lock it away, some where dark and dusty and maybe if I just moved on I would forget that it even existed. And if it doesn’t exist, it can’t hurt you – right?
It has been great though. It has been a wonderful ride. And his eyes are so soft. His appearance so capturing, dishevelled yet composed in a very artistic sort of way. The humour, and the child-like playfulness. The ferocious spirit.
Time is a-wasting and I have no work to do but want to look like I have work to do. And were not allowed to jump on to the internet as much as I have.
Whoops.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home