I hate this shit I’m doing and I hate having to do it.
I don’t know how I manage to get up every morning ( and I mean every morning) and truck off to do all this shit. And for what, some measley pay that does not even cover my living costs?
The thing that really sucks is that I am going to have to stick it out. Going to have to do this, let this continue for a good three months or so. Then again, what is three months. Time flies – not as much when you are not having fun… But just in general.
Lucky Tiara – back in Singapore. Good one, I say. I am so glad she is in a happy place. I know what she means man. Like if and when I go, I will sincerely miss this place. All the fun times we had here. But they were all desperate fun times. We had fun constantly trying to reject society here. And run away into our own little world where we all live inside the bubbles of our imagination, untouchable by the rest of the grittiness that is Auckland.
I want to go back to. There is a tiny, tiny piece of string that is holding me back, saying just stick it out and do things the right way. Don’t just leave like you always do – no good can come of it.
I pretty much sorted myself out (minus the few fuck-ups along the way) I have a job, a car, a place. And now all I want is to spend time with the people I care about and suddenly that is just not an option anymore. Tiara’s gone. EJ works my complete opposite hours, which means I never see him. I am always so busy at work I don’t have time to email anybody, yet surprisingly it feels like the time in that goddamn office dwindles. It’s going to be so hard without Kenny there. Like I can probably still work perfectly fine, but no one there really thinks much of me. I’m just another person and they are all like whatever. There’s no one that I can talk to because all they care about down there is bloody Fords vs Holdens and Rugby =/
It’s raining. Pouring.
I’ve been looking at jobs in Singapore online. There’s heaps of opportunities available. I also wonder if I should just go to University there. Like a real one, not the wannabe ones they have here. SMU looks good and I wouldn’t mind doing a course in Marketing. Just to compliment my current sales skills. I reckon me and Tiara should go halves on a nice apartment, maybe even condominium.
It’s funny it’s what we always wanted as kids. We wanted to stay on our own and be independent and shit. How life turns around huh?
Anyway, things here?
I don’t know, I’m just numbly trudging along I guess. I think I have abandonment issues that are starting to surface. Sometimes I just feel like bursting out in tears, because everything is just so hard.
Kenny’s left the Letterbox channel, which means I lost my smoke buddy and reason to leave the building. He has no job and has lost the company car which means he is definitely not in the happiest of states. He’s worried as well about what to do now. He has a week to get a job, god knows how he is going to work out transport. But for the time being, I am the designated driver. I don’t mind it for now but I think it will really start to bug me soon.
He’s been really supportive of my abandonment issues. I think he knows that I am feeling pretty fucking alone right now. But I think he is too wrapped up in his problems right now.
I’m pretty worried about him. If things don’t pick up it will start looking pretty hard, even more so than expected. Which was not really what I expected at all. So where does that leave us? Where ever it leaves us I guess… And where does that leave me at the end of all this? I don’t know.
I’ll just trudge along for another three months. I’ll hide myself in myself. I am too tired to fight something I have no control of. Too worried about everything to care about anything. I just wanna get rid of my debt and get out of here.
The moment I went back to Singapore on holiday I was thinking that… Was thinking that I really wanted to come back permanently. But of course I needed to wrap everything up here so I can leave it an open option should I wish to return. And then there was Kenny. After we came back though he was thinking about coming to Singapore/Malaysia as well. It would be nice for us to still be together through a relocation of such proportions. He says he’s hanging on until 2009. Originally, I thought that would be alright, I could wait till then. But the days just get drearier and now that Tiara has gone, it’s just so much harder. I was thinking I could wait until 2009, but I am not so sure.
Maybe I’ll just get rid of my debts before the end of this year, go there and if I find something good then I should stay.
If it works, it works and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
And so I just keep walking down the empty streets of my mind. Invincible and broken.
I don’t know how I manage to get up every morning ( and I mean every morning) and truck off to do all this shit. And for what, some measley pay that does not even cover my living costs?
The thing that really sucks is that I am going to have to stick it out. Going to have to do this, let this continue for a good three months or so. Then again, what is three months. Time flies – not as much when you are not having fun… But just in general.
Lucky Tiara – back in Singapore. Good one, I say. I am so glad she is in a happy place. I know what she means man. Like if and when I go, I will sincerely miss this place. All the fun times we had here. But they were all desperate fun times. We had fun constantly trying to reject society here. And run away into our own little world where we all live inside the bubbles of our imagination, untouchable by the rest of the grittiness that is Auckland.
I want to go back to. There is a tiny, tiny piece of string that is holding me back, saying just stick it out and do things the right way. Don’t just leave like you always do – no good can come of it.
I pretty much sorted myself out (minus the few fuck-ups along the way) I have a job, a car, a place. And now all I want is to spend time with the people I care about and suddenly that is just not an option anymore. Tiara’s gone. EJ works my complete opposite hours, which means I never see him. I am always so busy at work I don’t have time to email anybody, yet surprisingly it feels like the time in that goddamn office dwindles. It’s going to be so hard without Kenny there. Like I can probably still work perfectly fine, but no one there really thinks much of me. I’m just another person and they are all like whatever. There’s no one that I can talk to because all they care about down there is bloody Fords vs Holdens and Rugby =/
It’s raining. Pouring.
I’ve been looking at jobs in Singapore online. There’s heaps of opportunities available. I also wonder if I should just go to University there. Like a real one, not the wannabe ones they have here. SMU looks good and I wouldn’t mind doing a course in Marketing. Just to compliment my current sales skills. I reckon me and Tiara should go halves on a nice apartment, maybe even condominium.
It’s funny it’s what we always wanted as kids. We wanted to stay on our own and be independent and shit. How life turns around huh?
Anyway, things here?
I don’t know, I’m just numbly trudging along I guess. I think I have abandonment issues that are starting to surface. Sometimes I just feel like bursting out in tears, because everything is just so hard.
Kenny’s left the Letterbox channel, which means I lost my smoke buddy and reason to leave the building. He has no job and has lost the company car which means he is definitely not in the happiest of states. He’s worried as well about what to do now. He has a week to get a job, god knows how he is going to work out transport. But for the time being, I am the designated driver. I don’t mind it for now but I think it will really start to bug me soon.
He’s been really supportive of my abandonment issues. I think he knows that I am feeling pretty fucking alone right now. But I think he is too wrapped up in his problems right now.
I’m pretty worried about him. If things don’t pick up it will start looking pretty hard, even more so than expected. Which was not really what I expected at all. So where does that leave us? Where ever it leaves us I guess… And where does that leave me at the end of all this? I don’t know.
I’ll just trudge along for another three months. I’ll hide myself in myself. I am too tired to fight something I have no control of. Too worried about everything to care about anything. I just wanna get rid of my debt and get out of here.
The moment I went back to Singapore on holiday I was thinking that… Was thinking that I really wanted to come back permanently. But of course I needed to wrap everything up here so I can leave it an open option should I wish to return. And then there was Kenny. After we came back though he was thinking about coming to Singapore/Malaysia as well. It would be nice for us to still be together through a relocation of such proportions. He says he’s hanging on until 2009. Originally, I thought that would be alright, I could wait till then. But the days just get drearier and now that Tiara has gone, it’s just so much harder. I was thinking I could wait until 2009, but I am not so sure.
Maybe I’ll just get rid of my debts before the end of this year, go there and if I find something good then I should stay.
If it works, it works and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.
And so I just keep walking down the empty streets of my mind. Invincible and broken.
1 Comments:
hey babe.
yeah.things are not going well for you right now.but whatever it is,whatever decision you make, is what you want in life. so just ask yourself what you really, really want alright? hang in thereeee.
love you babe. :)
/fifi.
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