7.25.2007 would you bite the hand that feeds you?

so here i am gazing into the nothingness, the blank screen in front of me that waits for me to pour my heart out... and i can come up with?



Nothing



numbness. so what's new? i've been thinking of doing some video blogging sorta like lonelygirl15 (hehe)just for added flavour. and it's easier...
So what's going on in my life? Nothing. Nothing i care about anyway.
It's like my life is dedicated to everything else.

Work at LBC is busy and getting better i supposed, i am getting used to the role and developing a script that i use when talking to people. i would like to be able to do more though but i guess it has to come slowly, there's just no way with all the stuff i am dealing with at this point.
Going out to meet a whole load of clients this week and next - i think it will be good. i tend to put myself down in my head when talking to other people esp professionals older than me and it is just something i have to get over by getting used to dealing with them, so i suppose it's good practise. i mean people are just people really.
i am so good at saying stupid things though but if it were just a random i wouldn't have a problem, so i'm not sure why i do... But it is time to face the music i guess.

Work at Woosh is barely bearable... Sick of taking and making calls and i'm so knackered by the time i get here that i do absolutely nothing. i just jump onto the net and stare at at it for 4 - 8 hours depending on when i get here.

not unlike now really...

Ryan's back, i think he's staying with EJ. he wants to get a place here and then stay for three months and go back and a whole lot of other shit. it's all a little over my head and i have no idea what is going on. it's almost like i am in my own little bubble. I think he's doing good though but it must suck staying so far away. He asked if i could lend him like $400 for him bond and shit but i am broke as a joke, which is depressing given that i am working two jobs.

EJ just a lip piercing, it looks hot! Haven't seen him in a while either but he seems to be doing ok at work and is having the usual guy trouble. lol. Hopefully should get a chance to meet up with him on Friday evening after work and we can have some good quality time together.

Tiara - well i haven't heard from her. She promised to email but haven't received nothing. Fair enough though i guess. She must be pretty busy with work and all.

Yea... Shit.

Parents decided that they want to organise a whole lot of stuff. They need to sell the house, and get mover and get everything into storage and sell all their shit online (washing machine dryer bookcases etc.)And mummy can't come back because she has to give her passport to the Citizenship Bereau whilst she is in Australia(not like she was going to be coming back anytime soon because as i expected Esquires have pushed the dates forward)

So because i am the only one here that is stable and pretty much everyone's connection to Auckland, i have to sort out all the shit. along with all my own shit.
I constantly have a list of things to do running through my head.

7.01.2007

Check out my daemon!

6.30.2007 boulevard of broken dreams

I hate this shit I’m doing and I hate having to do it.
I don’t know how I manage to get up every morning ( and I mean every morning) and truck off to do all this shit. And for what, some measley pay that does not even cover my living costs?

The thing that really sucks is that I am going to have to stick it out. Going to have to do this, let this continue for a good three months or so. Then again, what is three months. Time flies – not as much when you are not having fun… But just in general.

Lucky Tiara – back in Singapore. Good one, I say. I am so glad she is in a happy place. I know what she means man. Like if and when I go, I will sincerely miss this place. All the fun times we had here. But they were all desperate fun times. We had fun constantly trying to reject society here. And run away into our own little world where we all live inside the bubbles of our imagination, untouchable by the rest of the grittiness that is Auckland.

I want to go back to. There is a tiny, tiny piece of string that is holding me back, saying just stick it out and do things the right way. Don’t just leave like you always do – no good can come of it.

I pretty much sorted myself out (minus the few fuck-ups along the way) I have a job, a car, a place. And now all I want is to spend time with the people I care about and suddenly that is just not an option anymore. Tiara’s gone. EJ works my complete opposite hours, which means I never see him. I am always so busy at work I don’t have time to email anybody, yet surprisingly it feels like the time in that goddamn office dwindles. It’s going to be so hard without Kenny there. Like I can probably still work perfectly fine, but no one there really thinks much of me. I’m just another person and they are all like whatever. There’s no one that I can talk to because all they care about down there is bloody Fords vs Holdens and Rugby =/

It’s raining. Pouring.

I’ve been looking at jobs in Singapore online. There’s heaps of opportunities available. I also wonder if I should just go to University there. Like a real one, not the wannabe ones they have here. SMU looks good and I wouldn’t mind doing a course in Marketing. Just to compliment my current sales skills. I reckon me and Tiara should go halves on a nice apartment, maybe even condominium.
It’s funny it’s what we always wanted as kids. We wanted to stay on our own and be independent and shit. How life turns around huh?

Anyway, things here?
I don’t know, I’m just numbly trudging along I guess. I think I have abandonment issues that are starting to surface. Sometimes I just feel like bursting out in tears, because everything is just so hard.
Kenny’s left the Letterbox channel, which means I lost my smoke buddy and reason to leave the building. He has no job and has lost the company car which means he is definitely not in the happiest of states. He’s worried as well about what to do now. He has a week to get a job, god knows how he is going to work out transport. But for the time being, I am the designated driver. I don’t mind it for now but I think it will really start to bug me soon.

He’s been really supportive of my abandonment issues. I think he knows that I am feeling pretty fucking alone right now. But I think he is too wrapped up in his problems right now.
I’m pretty worried about him. If things don’t pick up it will start looking pretty hard, even more so than expected. Which was not really what I expected at all. So where does that leave us? Where ever it leaves us I guess… And where does that leave me at the end of all this? I don’t know.

I’ll just trudge along for another three months. I’ll hide myself in myself. I am too tired to fight something I have no control of. Too worried about everything to care about anything. I just wanna get rid of my debt and get out of here.

The moment I went back to Singapore on holiday I was thinking that… Was thinking that I really wanted to come back permanently. But of course I needed to wrap everything up here so I can leave it an open option should I wish to return. And then there was Kenny. After we came back though he was thinking about coming to Singapore/Malaysia as well. It would be nice for us to still be together through a relocation of such proportions. He says he’s hanging on until 2009. Originally, I thought that would be alright, I could wait till then. But the days just get drearier and now that Tiara has gone, it’s just so much harder. I was thinking I could wait until 2009, but I am not so sure.

Maybe I’ll just get rid of my debts before the end of this year, go there and if I find something good then I should stay.
If it works, it works and if it doesn’t, it doesn’t.

And so I just keep walking down the empty streets of my mind. Invincible and broken.

6.23.2007 reminicing

nice huh? had a little dig on the Whosgoing website and managed to pull this picture up.
This was shortly after me and Kenny got together. First night on the town clubbing in MOS in Singapore.

i miss Singapore. I miss being on holiday with Kenny, where we can just have fun without all the worries of every day shit.

Travelling a six-hour journey from Singapore to Malaysia. haha, crazy shit. I think it was somewhere along one of those rides that i realised i wanted more from him.

Before then, we worked together and we were all sort of new to the rules of how things should be between us. How to act and all, and i just stayed over at his place so we saw alot of each other. And then the day finally came to go to Singapore. The whole disbelief and denail prior to the actual trip. I must say i manipulated that well - got heaps of sex out of it =)
But i just couldn't imagine being away from him.

And then i left and it was okay, but when i txted him. it all just started again. Like back when we were still courting and mainly txting each other in the night when we were apart and emailing constantly in the day. And then he asked me to cone up to Malaysia. I was like uhhh... Wasn't sure about the whole thing but i knew i wanted to see him and it sounded like such an adventure at the time, so go i did.

And when i saw him...

i was thinking about us all the way to KL and how we were getting closer as time went by, and like how this could possibly be the start of something bigger. But then again i was like... NAH. And then when MeiZi called him, i was just thinking 'i shouldn't be here, i shouldn't be thinking about any of this...' and then we went home and we both sorta decided we had to 'talk'. after all the scary talks we've had i wasn't too confident about it being something good. i was steering the conversation towards me leaving... And he was steering the conversation to our relationship. it was too funny.

(me)... so its just going to get harder from here, and i don't want to be.. you know
(kenny) yea i was thinking that to. So what do you want..
(me) well i can leave if you want...
(kenny) what are you talking about?
(me) uhh... aren't we talking about me and like how i shouldn't be here
(kenny) what??? no i'm talking about us..
(me) oh.

**cant remember the exact coversation but it was something along those lines**

And then we came to the conclusion that we could do one of three things.
Just stop seeing each other
Still be FWB but not see each other as much and date other people
Get together

And then i left to go to Singapore, so we only really figured it out in Singapore. And the arsehole knew what i was on about from the start when i said i wanted to talk to him. So cute. And now we are together. Sometimes i still think that this is a complete waste of time and i should just get over myself and get on with my life as my own person. Other times it's just a real whatever thing, and i don't think of him as my boyfriend. But times like this, he's an absolute darling and i'm glad we decided to go out. I suppose in a way it was always what i wanted from him in the first place. it always made me think that i would get sick of him really fast once we started going out, but it's better. it's not always perfect but it's comfortable.

and what does the future bring????

that is another tale for another time.

**okay enough sentimental bull. im outs**

6.20.2007 Genius

It’s interesting what you can learn on the net. I have learnt a lot I tell you.

I officially have a car and I am going to sit my restricted today. My nerves are in my ears man. Apparently, that is supposed to make me better at driving. I’ll be alright I suppose. Even if I fail, well just sit for it again. It will be a bitch and a waste of time but it has to be done. Just do like my instructor said and book it straight away. Hope I don’t fail though. I’m just going to imagine that I am in the car with him on one of my lessons so I’ll do everything like he taught me, just listen to his voice in my head.

That should get me by… Well, I guess I will have to give you an update once it’s over. Everyone is trying to give me helpful tips. It’s good, but just a little overwhelming. I have to pass. I’ll get such shit if I don’t.

Right now I am like coming up with any and every possible way to get money. Thinking outside the box is what it is all about. I hope to god they re-introduce the incentive scheme at Woosh because I would desperately like to get a 3k payout. Talk about shit timing. I am going to be there for the whole of July and hopefully, if I can handle it the month of August as well. I’m pretty sure I can handle it…

I aim to clear my personal loan by mid-July and one of my credit cards by the end of August. It’s all good saying that of course. It’s a little less easy actually doing it though.

I had another couple of brainwaves.
First, I was thinking of signing up with a modelling agent. Not to do like a whole lot of fashion articles or anything, but what I am really looking for is just one commercial. I was talking to James, who has been in a commercial before, and he got about 3k after tax and then every time the contract rolls over, he gets paid out again. So that’s all I want. Not too keen on doing it long term because it’s too hard with a job. I’m probably not too keen on doing it immediately either because it’s virtually impossible when you are trying to juggle two jobs. It’s better that Woosh though and it means I will have more time out of work, but I just need something steady at the moment.

Maybe I’ll do it next year. When I’m like not working at all. Besides I don’t think my other half would approve of me doing the whole modelling thing (even though it’s not technically modelling) maybe if he saw the cash he would be a little happier about it. I should have auditioned for that modelling job in Singapore though. I mean 10,000 dollars is a lot of money.

That brought me to my next idea. Game shows. And why the hell not. They are all stupid but the money is real and your chances are higher than winning Lotto. Besides, the only reason why these people loose is because they’re greedy. And I’m not. Hell, I’ll take any deal that gives me 5,000+. That is all I really need. Anything extra would be nice but not mandatory. So from the beginning; there is this new game show in NZ called ‘Deal or No Deal’

Basically, there are 26 (or something around that figure) suitcases in front of you. All the suitcases have cash values in them ranging from 50 cents to 200,000 dollars. You pick yourself a suitcase and then proceed to open the other suitcases in front of you. Anything you open, you can’t have. At certain intervals (after you open six suitcases, then maybe after you open another 4) the guy will offer you a deal of a certain cash amount and it is up to you to decide whether to take the deal or not. If you do you get the cash, if you don’t you continue eliminating suitcases until you get to the last one in which case you open your suitcase and claim whatever value it holds.
It works something like that anyway, I have never actually watched it on TV but I am definitely going to start
And then I am going to audition for it.

Hehe. Complete Genuis

6.17.2007 running on empty

my life consists of four walls.
Everyday i work within the four walls.

I have decided to go back to working at Woosh. i desperately want, and i suppose NEED to pay off all the money I owe. I refuse to let the world and it's nasty little loopholes get the better of me. I want to be able to be on top of everything. Seeing the direct benefits of the effort i put out.

Still at the Letterbox Channel as well. So all in all, i am working 60 hours a week. Not to mention all the USANA stuff that i do outside of the four walls. It's been the first week and already i am starting to feel unmotivated. Not like there is any point to doing it. The reason i came back - the commission structure they had for an incentive run where they double your earning for anything over your target, it's gone. So it's back to just the regular. Doesn't mean i won't try grab every opportunity that is out there. Either way it means i just have to wake up early in the weekends and sit inside for the whole day.

I guess it's not really that bad, not like i would have anything better to do anyway.
Tiara is gone - she won't be back for at least six weeks, if at all.
EJ is back at home and he works in the weekend (late hours at that) so i don't get much of a chance to see him. Kenny is constantly wrapped up in USANA so he is always out and about. I guess whatever i do, i always end up right where i started - staring at the four walls that enclose me.
Why not get paid for it. it's not realli as bad as it sounds apart from the tired-ness. And i will definitely stick with this at least till i get my first paycheck. After that, i am banking on the pay i get fuelling me to keep going. I just want to get rid of my debt fast. After it's all done then i can relax and take it easy. it's just hard to feel so good when your at the bottom of a pile of shit.

FUCK TAX THOUGH.
i should technically get $1145 each month from working at Woosh as well as $2002 for working at the Letterbox Channel, but because Woosh is deemed as a secondary income it is taxed at bloody 43% and commission is taxed at 20%

Insane man. i hope they get the other commission structure/incentive back in. i would fucking break my balls on that one. i aim to get about 60 sales a month anyway which is roughly 700 after tax, so that should help.

Apart from that, i am in the midst of getting cars all sorted. Getting my new car tomorrow and i have my restricted on Wednesday. So the next three days are going to be pretty stressful and of couse after that i'll be working so yes everyday is going to be pretty stressful. in addition to all of this, i still have to make sure the man of the house is happy and that his kingdom is in a presentable state. More the worry, but it's good i guess. AT least im not on his back anymore and i have my own stuff to do rather than just drown myself in happiness every spare moment i get.

Now is the time to get everything to gether and make it stick. Hopefully i will stick with this for three months. That is the short term plan anyway. What is that like 12 weeks? i can start the countdown now if i wanted. It is doable.

It's just sad with the timing of everything. I will hardly get to see Kenny anymore, which might be a good thing or might be a bad thing. Not sure which yet. He is terrible at handling stress, so maybe his new job will be less stressful. me? i can take it... So whatever. I am just not sure what all this will do to our relationship and personal lives.
It was his idea though. Do what you got to do to stick it out...And at the moment i am trying to keep the focus on me, how the hell am i suppose to cater to everyone else when i'm in a big mess myself.

Doesn't work that way huh?

Got to go to court as well.. I am worried about it, it just sounds bad. Everyone doesn't seem to think that it will be that big a deal but it still means i'll have one more thing to worry about. ANd it means more money out of the bank. But shit happens i guess.

Can't do nothing about it so might as well curl my toes, pull my head under and trudge along on the lonely road..(the only one that i have ever known...)

Want to go back to Singapore at the end of 2008. Like seriously considering it, and setting myself up over there. i wonder whether that would work out. It would be beautiful to be able to live that life again. SAdly, i feel somewhat naked.

Like i use to have that comfortable life, and it all got ripped away and i had to run around with no clothes on for ages, trying to figure up a game plan. i feel like i know more now, ever than i would have known if i had never left. But it comes with a price.
It's a more solemn, cycnical take on the truly ugliness of life and what it has become.

What does that mean?
Well, i don't know what that means.. I don't know what that means i will have to walk away from, what that means for myself and my future. What that means in the greater sense of things.
But i feel a change in the wind, and i just have to follow my heart. It sounds really lame when in writing but this is what i told Tiara before she left for Singapore, and it is true.


Sometimes you have to get lost to be found. it's just scary losing yourself because it could mean that you will disappear.

I feel like i'm 40 years old and looking after two fully grown kids and a stubborn cat.
Get me out of here

5.23.2007 100 degrees

all men are bastards. its as simple as hat and i refuse to let them torture me anymore. well they don't really most of the time i remain un-affected but not all.

how do you compete with something that is beyond measure? it's just not possible. it's like why even bother trying...if you really think about it, it happened at the time i was most assured that i could be happy. talk about fast turn around.

always the re-bound. i think i have a very self-destructive nature. it's almost like i dig these people up, you know. just so they can torment me. maybe i do need help.. and it's slowly been getting worse. i'm starting to sink. i can feel it.

i feel panicked and claustrapobic, like i can't breathe, can't move, can't turn.
i need a change. i just don't know if i need that sort of change. everything causes a domio effect. loose one, you loose it all and hen the peices come tumbling down. And that is the last thing i need right now. i could always leave and never come back. but i can' do that, it would just be stupid.

i fucking hate secrets, i hate havng to keep them because of the repercussions and i hate being left in the dark. okay so fine, i can completely relate to the whole situation, really i can which really fucks me up. Because on one side it hurts. it really hurts, because i just thought i could stop worrying. Not because it means its me all the way, just that it means i can just be myself and know that that is good enough.

bu it's never good enough right? Me just being me can never match up. And it's true. The other side of me that see from a bird eye view know's its true. i'm so young, what do i have to offer? Why am i better? And i'm not and what he is thinking is perfectly normal, it's almost cliche. it should mean nothing, but why does it feel like it doesn't.

And i'm just supposed to be okay with it, beacuse i'm just here for the ride, and to be piggy-back up the stairs. Because i don't stand on the same level. Because im low. And what happens after a couple of years? After he decides that he's had enough? What then? He just tells me to get lost... I might as well save us all precious time and do it now. But it must have been the same when the roles were reversed. i can just imagine. its always like that, you're always connected.

But i can't, i never could, i've always just waited, waited till i kena halau. Even wen the worst came round, i just waited. i just couldn't tear away. Maybe i like this? this getting hurt... And i always know when it's going to happen i can always feel it, i deny it for a little while, and then it happens and i feel like shit and i tell myself that i told myself and what else could i have expected, really.

So from now on, it's just a wall. i've let down my guard wayy to much lately. I'm becoming soft. What happened to the me who just let go? who lived for herslf and loved those that helped her through and through. instead of fucking living for someone else, walking the line of the leash and keeping quiet when asked for a dance.

A line for every lesson learnt.

Everytime time i want, everytime i become a part of something, everytime i hurt myself, i hurt myself. and now another line over the lines, defining it.

Should i even bothe this time, it's strange but this is so blurry yt it hurts me more than anything could have. why didn't i know apart from what i aready knew from myself. It's crazy how i actually know that these things are going to happen. i almost thought i was wrong for a while there, and yet here i stand righted.

Enough already.
i will stay, i have no choice, but nothing touches me, nothing comes close to my heart. no warmth will reach my eyes. Why do i have to do this. And i'm still waiting, but now my trust is broken. now i'm waiting for the end. maybe it was just a stage but it can happen again. and yes, i am guilty but at the same time i care.

2 peas in a pod.